Hey guys so... I've been away for awhile haven't I? HAHAHA sigh I've been wanting to blog about this for awhile, because it was a new experience that I had never experienced in my life (both physically and emotionally) but I've wanted to keep those very precious feelings to myself for awhile because I've never felt so passionate and inspired in my life before, and never so touched I guess you could say? But I also wanted to blog down these feelings that I had felt when I had my first ever clinical attachment, so that I will not forget about them in the future, when the going gets tough, and if I ever begin to forget what first inspired me to remain in this course, and in this career. I wanna be able to have something that I can always look back on, to remind myself of what I began with, and why I had decided that it would be something I could possibly do, and could possibly make worthwhile.
In December 2017, after the end of my first semester in uni, I was allocated to be attached to Ang Mo Kio Thye Hwa Kuan Community Hospital for 2 weeks, and man, I feel like it's been the best thing that has happened to me thus far, over the past 5 months-ish that I've been in the nursing course? On my very first day, I remembered going there feeling very lost, nervous, anxious and scared more so than excited, because I did not know what I was going to be expecting, or what I would be doing, and how dealing with real life patients would be like, because the only patient experiences that we've had in school were those with fake simulated patients, which means that they were very scripted, and did not feel like how the real thing would be. I was very skeptical and doubtful of myself, because since young, through all the CIPs I did in nursing homes and whatever events that we had with the elderly, I had always thought that I was afraid of old people, and I always felt like I did not really know how to communicate with them, nor did I really understand what they were feeling. What I had failed to realise at that time was that, it wasn't about whether I knew how to communicate with them, or whether or not I could understand what they were feeling, because I have only come to realise recently that instead of focusing on me and what I know (or rather do not know), I should just focus on them, and their needs, as well as their well-being. I also discovered that I am actually not afraid of old people, because the only thing that I was afraid of, was approaching them, but once I break the ice with them, things are good!!!
Over the 10 days of attachment (because we don't need to work on weekends), I really felt that I learnt more in AMK THK than I did in the 4 months I was in school? Not only did I gain more knowledge, but I also gained a lot more experiences, and a lot of incidences there that I had with the patients really made me reflect upon myself, and the way that I perceive different things. Before I begin talking about the patients, I just wanna say that I am super thankful and grateful that I had a really nice clinical instructor (CI), Sister Fauz, there to guide me and my friends when we were taking care of our patients, and I am very grateful that my ward cubicle mates, turned good friends (Nat and Ivy), were super supportive, and they really made the whole process of working in the ward much more pleasant. Having the support of your friends in the ward is extremely important, because their help would be really useful when you are in face of challenges, and any obstacles. For instance, I accidentally spilled medicine on 1 particular patient, while I was feeding her via the NGT tube, and not only did my CI not scold me, but she even helped me out, and just asked me what went wrong when I was performing the procedure, because it was my first time feeding a real patient, and I was REALLYYYYY nervous. Nat and Ivy were also super nice and supportive, and it honestly helped me a lot, because they did not make me feel like I was a loser who can't do simple things properly (because I've met people who have made me feel like this before......) so yeah I was really really grateful and I am so happy that I found a friend in them (oh and Jeremy too!!) cos I miss our yongtaufoo lunch outings at the YCK hawker centre, almost everyday, and all the laughs the 4 of us had together, talking about the different patient interactions we had, and the procedures that we partook in. What an experience it was!!! And I am so happy to have done it with all of you!!!
Of course, the attachment would (obviously) not be complete without the patients that I got to take care of in AMK THK. I had learnt the most from them. I know, ironic right? I went there thinking that I was gonna be the one educating the patients and taking care of them, but I left the place realising that the patients can do a lot more for you than you have ever imagined. In the not very short, but not very long 10 days that I was attached at AMK THK, I learnt that it doesn't take a lot to show your care and concern for somebody, and in fact, all it takes is a very simple "how are you?" or "have you eaten your lunch?" or "how did you sleep last night?" or "do you need any help?", to make somebody's day. From being really guarded towards us initially, as we attempted to care for them over the days, the patients slowly began to open up and warm up to us. I saw the way their eyes lit up when I asked them if they needed any help, or if they had already eaten, or if they wanted me to help them refill their water container. Even simply listening to them talk about anything and everything, was enough to make them happy, and their happiness was really contagious, because I felt warm and genuinely touched when I see them feeling happy. It feels good simply knowing that I had somehow managed to make an impact on their day. There was this particular aunty who I remembered being really grumpy at the start, and neither of my friends really dared to approach her at the beginning, because she always looked like she was ready to scold us if we went close to her. On our second week of attachment, me and my friends started to take things slow with her, and we started asking her 1 very simple question everyday, "aunty have you eaten your lunch?" - it was the only conversation we had with her every single day for the rest of the week. On the first day that we had asked her that, she frowned at us, and nodded her head grumpily as if she wanted us to just leave her alone. We continued trying, and on the third day, she warmed up to us and started smiling at us. Although we had a language barrier, we could tell that she was finally opening up to us through her facial expressions, and I kid you not, we were really happy. I realised then (and in many other incidences) that we only really need to do a very small thing, to make or break someone's day. Sometimes, it's really not about whether or not you are able to understand why a patient is behaving the way they are (of course that is important), but more so, I think that simply putting in the effort to try and understand, is a very good way to start. It is so easy to tell people how you should care and show concern towards somebody, but it is so hard to actually perform it. During this attachment, I also did the things that I was the most reluctant to do before attachment, because I felt that it was really gross and disgusting, and I was kinda repulsed by it. Yes, you guessed it - I had to clean the patient's private areas after they pooped, and I had to bathe them. To be honest, bathing wasn't really a problem for me, because the only thing I had to get over was seeing strangers' naked bodies (both males and females). I was "lucky" in the sense that I was placed in the female ward so I didn't really have to see much of the males until the last 2 days, when me and my friends went over to the male wards to help out with their trolley bathing, and bed sponging. However, like I said. that wasn't really much of a problem for me because there's no reason for me to be repulsed by the human body??? My biggest challenge was having to clean the patients' private areas after they pooped, because I am the type of person who really hate bad smells, so you can imagine my horror when I first tried out diaper changing, and I did not have a mask with me. I remember my CI asking me if I was okay, and she told me that if I didn't want to do it, I can choose not to. But I told myself that I had already expected myself to face such a situation one day, when I go for my attachments, so I told my CI with a laugh that I'll still have to do it at the end of the day, so I just did it. Me, kath, and seem said from day 1 when we joined nursing, that nursing would be a course that is all about "sucking it up". That motto is really one that I live by in this course, because we don't really have much of a choice sometimes, so we really just gotta suck it up. However, with that said, while cleaning poop and all is really gross and disgusting, I have learnt to see this challenge from another perspective, and after getting over this process from that very first time, things started to get better, albeit slowly. I realised that instead of seeing cleaning poop as a disgusting process, that I could instead see cleaning their perineal area as a very private and personal thing to do, something that we have all known how to do by ourselves in our own privacy for a very long time (because it's human nature). And for the patients to no longer have such control over such a private thing in their life, and for us to now have that control to do it, we should instead respect the process, and see it as an "honour" that we are able to help them clean up, because being clean and well-groomed, is a way to help the patients maintain their dignity and self-worth, and I think it is extremely important that we help our patients uphold their dignity, and personal image.
At the end of the attachment, I had thought that I wouldn't feel much because it was only a mere 2 weeks attachment, and that saying goodbye to my patients wouldn't feel that hard, but when Nat, Ivy and I made our last round around our cubicle to say our goodbyes to the patients, it was hard to not cry, and my eyes welled up so many times, I had to keep forcing myself to swallow that burn at the back of my throat. This patient told us that she would miss us, and she will think about us when we were gone, and I WAS SO SAD WHEN I HEARD THAT and I really didn't want to leave :-( There was another patient who also nearly made me cry because she taught me a lot about patients with her condition. I cannot divulge much because I have to respect the patient's privacy, but this patient really made me realise that patients with such conditions, are so much more than they seem to be. And then there was this other patient that I constantly talked to because she always seemed so lonely, and she always looked so tired, so I always helped to feed her, and to just accompany her, and make sure that she is comfortable, and she shared with me many stories about many things, and on that last day when we were leaving, I remember going up to say goodbye to her, and she reached out her hand to shake mine. After shaking her hand, I was about to leave with a heavy heart, when she suddenly raised her hand very weakly as if she was calling me over. I went over and asked her what she needed, but without a word, she placed a cold hand on my left cheek to caress my face, as she looked at me very adoringly, like how my grandmother/ my mum would look at me. Whilst her touch was cold, the touch in my heart was so so so warm, and I really almost cried right there and then. Instead, to prevent her from seeing me cry, I quickly took her hand, and said bye to her one last time, and ran out of the cubicle, and stood outside drinking water for a long time, to try to swallow all the tears down. That moment made everything so worth it. I know this sounds like some drama, but wow it was really such an emotional moment for me, and it was right there and then that I realised, that I had made an impact on someone's life, and how important it was for me to know that I had done something like that. Those 10 days taught me to not only cherish the people around me more, and care for them more, but it also taught me more importantly, that I should always remember to count my blessings, and to learn to be contented (something that I'm always always trying to work on).
When I was working in CPF, and I was doing that admin job every single day from 8.30am to 6pm, I was really bored, and by the end of my 6 month contract, I was so sick of doing the same old things every single day. I knew then, that I did not want to do an office job for the rest of my life, and although I had no idea back then what exactly I wanted to do, I would like to think that I am beginning to find out what I want to do in the future, with my life. It is so crazy to think that, just less than over a year ago, I was really worried about which uni I would get into, then I was worried about whether or not nursing would be the course for me, because I did not know if I would have the strength and courage to overcome all the challenges I knew were going to be present for me. My parents, and my best friend ever, Josh, have been such huge supporters for me throughout the whole of last year (and the many more before that of course... I think I am only starting to realise how important their support is to me recently, but it is better late than never right?). If not for my parents constantly encouraging me to go into nursing, especially after I got my A Level results, and if not for my mum always telling me that "I can do it", I really would not be able to get through all the challenges. Even when I thought that I had screwed up my interview to get into the course, they never stopped believing in me, and I am so thankful for that. Them believing in me, gave me a little reason to actually begin believing in myself. Also, Josh, who has been there for me through every low in my life, when I lost myself, and on the days where I am the most insecure, and the most depressed. I thank God everyday (or at least constantly) for letting me keep you in my life as my dearest and closest friend. We have been through a lot, from strangers to friends to more than that, but I am so happy that we have reached a status quo, where we are both happy with the way we are now. We definitely had our lows after our break up, and there was a time where I thought I might lose you, but I am so glad that we made it through the toughest part of this uniquely special relationship and bond that we share, and that we have come to a consensus. You have seen me at my ugliest (literally and non-literally) and I know I say this soooo much, but I truly mean it when I say that I'm so very grateful that you have stayed through all the worst and bad times that we have shared together, and you are one truly special person to me.
And of course, I am the most grateful and most very thankful to my one and only God - for always being here everyday, to listen to me talk about my challenges, the things that I fear, the things/ people that I love, the things that I hope to eventually achieve, the situations I hope/ want to be in one day, and just anything that I could possibly talk about under the sun. I am so grateful that He has instilled in me strength and courage to overcome all the various challenges that have come my way, for making me a more resilient individual, and for constantly giving me some form of hope on the very very bad days that I get occasionally, by showing me the good. Though things do not always go the way that I had intended for it to, things always work out in the end, because God has a plan for us all. While I might/ may not have seen the reason for some things working/ not working out the way they have, I know and have faith that I will, eventually. God, You are so good, and You have been so good to me, and I thank You everyday, my Holy, Heavenly Father for being my one true supporter, supporting me through everything that I do, and for being here for me when I felt like I was at my lowest, and when I felt like I had nobody to rely on. When I felt like I had reached a dead end in my life, You were there to lead me and guide me to new beginnings, and You were there to help me keep my head up high, and to show me the way forward. I still have so much things in life to learn, and to experience, and I know that there are many obstacles in my life that I am yet to encounter, but with You, I Trust that You can, and so I can, and in You, I Trust.
"His grace is sufficient."
