This Sem flew by, and while Year 1 Sem 1 was pretty awful because I was having such a hard time adapting to uni life, and trying to get myself used to the rigour and regime of the uni timetable, I was also having a hard time opening up to the people around me because I found it really hard to relate to the people there, and it was pretty suffocating, trying to fit in as best as I could. Thank God, Sem 2 was so much better. I found like-minded friends in class who were really fun to hang out with, and they filled my Sem 2 life with so much laughs, it got gradually easier to open up to them, and subsequently to other people.
In about 2 weeks time, I will be headed to my next attachment. This time, it'll be at an acute hospital, and once again, I feel nervous, scared, yet excited at the same time for what is to come because so many things could happen, and I truly have no idea what to expect from an acute hospital. This nursing journey has truly not been an easy one, but it has been filled with so much surprises. Sometimes, I really wonder and I question myself about this a lot - is nursing really for me? Am I on the right path? I feel like this career is overly underrated for how much there is to it, and many people genuinely do not understand how much it takes to be able to persevere in this. This career isn't simply "taking care of patients" because many people do not understand how much goes into the care of the patient. It is not simply cleaning the patient, giving them their food when it is breakfast/ lunch/ dinner time, and it is not simply feeding them their medication when it is time as well. So much passion is required in this, and sometimes I really don't know if I have what it takes. Then there are times, when certain incidents happen, and I get reminded of the passion I was started with.
A few weeks ago, I was on the MRT. I'd had a really bad day, and I was feeling really upset and was drowning myself in my own music, and trying to just get myself through the rest of the day with that. While listening to my music, and in the midst of feeling really sorry for myself, I noticed this old granny sleeping in her wheelchair. Her wheelchair was parked in the handicap spot of the train carriage, and her frail body was leaning against the MRT wall. For many stops, she did not wake up, and I was observing her because she wasn't really moving, and there was a name tag hanging around her neck. I got increasingly worried because she was alone, and I thought that she might have fainted, or that she had dementia and had forgotten her way home. Finally, about 1 stop before the stop that I would get off at, she woke up, much to my relief. She then proceeded to try and remove the cardigan she was wearing because the train was pretty warm, and I noticed that she was struggling with that because her arms could not bend backwards. She started looking around to see if anyone could help her. Nobody was paying attention to her except me, and another woman who was sitting in the priority seating a distance away, and staring at her. The granny saw me looking at her, and smiled at me sheepishly, as if asking if I could do her a favour and help her remove her cardigan. I smiled at her and nodded my head, and went up to help her remove her cardigan. In the past, before I was in nursing, I would have pretended to not have seen anything, and I would have pretended to be really busy on my phone, but since my first nursing attachment, my fear of talking to the elderly, and approaching them to help them do stuff has greatly decreased, and so I went up to help her without any hesitation. She thanked me, and when she got off the MRT, she turned around, waved at me and said byebye to me very loudly. Everyone in the MRT turned to look at her, then me as I waved back to her. She was really really cute, and that really turned my bad day upside down. Giving is truly a greater blessing than receiving, and I was reminded of my passion for helping people again. Sometimes, it truly takes the smallest things to remind you of the bigger things in life.
I can't believe that my year as a freshman is coming to an end, and soon, I'll be a year 2 in NUS. I can't believe that in about 2 months, I'll be hitting the big 2. I am growing up way too fast, and I honestly don't wanna grow up so fast anymore. When I was young, in my primary/ secondary school days, I constantly had the wish of growing up as soon as possible because I did not want to be bound by my parents, and I did not want to be a student anymore. Little did I know that with freedom, only comes more responsibilities and subsequently burdens, and lots of stresses. Adulthood is not as fun as I had thought it would be, because there are many days when I feel seriously worn out, and just really tired with life, and people in general. Sometimes, I really wish that time would slow down a little, so I can attempt to catch up with it, but life is a race, and I feel so breathless running this race sometimes. Despite that, we all know we just gotta keep going, and pushing. God has given me so much strength over the past few years to get through all the obstacles that have been thrown my way.
"希望你以后，不会后悔没选择我，也相信，你有更好的生活"
Last year, this time, I was absolutely broken by a friend I trusted way more than I should have, a friend I had wanted to keep in my life for as long as I possibly can. I said that I'd gotten over it, that I'd gotten the closure I needed (and I guess to a certain extent, that's true), but to say that I have fully gotten over all the hurt he caused me would be a lie, because it's still pretty obvious that when I talk about him, my words are still laced with a certain degree of hatred and a certain degree of venom. I despise him for how he abandoned me the way I know I never would have him, and I despise him for how he broke my heart into a million pieces. I never thought that friends could break my heart, but he did what I once believed to be impossible, because he'd played me real good. Despite all these, I despise him the most, for I know, I could never truly stop caring for him, while he has completely stopped caring for me, since he decided to walk away from the friendship which we had both put in so much effort, at the start, to build up.
Today, this time however, I am a lot less broken and depressed than I was, and I am more whole again. I lost myself to a darkness that was really great, and the darkness loomed on for many months after that - I was drowning in self pity and negativity. I no longer knew happiness, but today this time, I've found my way back to myself a little more. There'll still be days where I'll have my relapses, where I'll sink into those negative depths again, but they're never as bad as the days I had last year.
God, You gave me so much strength. All those times when I was in my darkest place, and when I forgot who I was, it was You that gave me the strength to pull through every time I prayed to You. You gave me a sense of peace I never thought I would ever feel, and on my darkest days, it was You that brought me back up to my feet again. You let me see the light in my days, and in myself, and You gave me a wonderful person who never once left me through my worst worst worst days. Thank You God, You are truly wonderful and I truly truly appreciate You.
--
April is when Spring is due.
Colours of different hues,
erupt onto the earth
in the form of flowers,
and birds.
As the snow melts away,
her cold heart gives way,
to warmth it once knew,
for things anew.
An ache still resonates,
in her youthful heart of gates
built up in her darker days
when all she felt was sorrow and pain.
But Spring is due now,
so with the ache she tows,
away from her soul,
Slow(ly),
but surely,
She knows,
It was all for her to grow.
{LQ.W}
It was all for her to grow.
{LQ.W}
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