Shipwreck

I should be studying or preparing to go to sleep cos it has been a longgg day after going back to school while it's recess week to complete up my project, but instead, I'm on here thinking of how I should consolidate my very messy thoughts.

It has been 6 weeks since uni begun, and this week is our recess week so that makes it 7 weeks into the school term, which is insane given how it has been nearly 49 days since we started school officially, and it doesn't even feel like it has been that long?! Time really flies and this scares me more and more as I grow up. But this isn't what I came on here to talk about.

Tonight, I came on to my blog because this year has been a real shitty ass year for me, and truth be told, I am not happy nor am I whole. This year has been really rough for me, and while I may appear to be fine physically, I am a complete emotional wreck on the inside, and it truly sucks to say this, much less admit this to myself, but I am not in a right mind or place.

2017 started off with me feeling like I had sunk to rock bottom. I was going through many things and the most significant one that hurt me the most was me losing my best friend (I never really spoke about this openly on this particular platform, or any other social platform actually, and I'm not about to, but I had to kick start this somewhere). There was not one particular factor (other than one I think neither of us wishes to bring up ever again) that stood out to me every time I thought back on what went wrong between our friendship because everything happened all too sudden. One day, we were really happy, and xxxxx made me really really happy, but the next, our friendship had been completely shattered, along with my already very vulnerable heart. The loss had hit me like a truck, and I lost myself completely. All of a sudden, I stopped feeling like I was good enough for anyone, and I was hollow and extremely bitter. Nights after nights, I just kept crying myself to sleep, and I felt like a complete shipwreck. What made matters worse, was the release of my A level results, and having the shock of my life at my Math results. I had expected to do a lottt better for math, but I really screwed it up, and for awhile, it felt like my life was ending because it felt like I had reached a dead end. It took me nearly 5 months to be somewhat okay again. One day, I woke up, and I decided that I have had it with feeling like a broken mess every single day, and I decided that I had to be the one to make things okay for myself again, and so I did. I broke out of that stupor and for awhile, I was okay. I wasn't happy, but at the very least, I didn't feel like a mess I couldn't fix.

Throughout this period, there was another situation that really bothered me and hurt my self esteem and my self worth. This is yet another situation I haven't spoken about openly on any social media platform (other than like 1 rant every blue moon on my private ig account). Ever since pre A's (say like prelims period?), my face has been breaking out non-stop and because I had such itchy hands that couldn't stop popping those irritating breakouts, I aggravated my face situation, and made my face really inflamed, and though it has been more than a year since the breakouts, my face is still full of left over scars, and hyper-pigmentations that refuse to leave my face, and it has brought my self-esteem to almost non-existent, and it sucks cos it has come to a point where I feel disgusted with myself every time I look in the mirror. Also, social media like instagram doesn't help cos for some reason, there has been an increase in the number of influencers around lately, and like everyone just looks so freaking flawless on there - smooth skin, flat stomach with abs etcetc, and I will not lie that it makes me feel even worse about myself. To feel uncomfortable in your own skin, is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world because I have forgotten how to love myself, and somedays I don't even wanna leave my house simply because I feel like I don't look good enough. Of course, there has been significant improvements in my skin, but I have grown so used to feeling disgusting and gross in my own skin, that it has come to a point where I no longer know how to be comfortable in it. Also, it didn't help that when my skin was at its worse, people I do not know (yes, complete strangers) actually came up to me to offer me facial brochures etc, and it really made me feel extremely self-conscious about myself, and I always wanted to hide my face in a hole. I no longer know how to love myself, and I struggle with my self-worth every day, and trust me when I say I try to love myself every single day, but who knew that learning to love yourself, could be harder than learning to love others?

Lately, as uni has started, it feels like I am slipping right back into that period of time when I was broken and depressed. Since I am being so candid about many things now, I shall also be candid about the fact that I have anxiety. I mean I'm not clinically diagnosed or whatever, but I tend to feel breathless, and I tend to experience chest tightness. Such experiences used to surface only when I am in the face of stressful situations, but it has gotten to the point where it just hits me out of nowhere - like I could literally be doing absolutely nothing, and all of a sudden, it'd hit me. I have tried out online counselling because I get to remain as an anon, and the counsellor is also an anon (ec2.sg) and it was pretty helpful for awhile, but I grew lazy and stopped signing up for it because I also (honestly) felt like I was burdening the anon counsellor with my stupid irrelevant problems. My closest friend, who is also the only person in my life that knows all the real shit I am going through, says that I am no longer the girl he knew when he first met me, and I am now depressing as shit, and it hurts him to see me like this. He also says that it's quite fucked up watching myself hurt myself like this, by letting myself stay in this slump of depression, because no one can help me other than myself. And he isn't wrong because it IS true that no one can help me other than myself. He asked me if I control life, or if life controls me, because right now, it seems to him that I am letting life control me. I can't say that he is wrong, but I honestly do not know how to let myself control life. All I feel in me is a whole vessel of emptiness, and I do not feel like a whole human being. It sucks because I am indeed letting myself slip right back into my slump of depression, and it's as if I'm stuck in quicksand - no matter how hard I try to pull myself back up, as soon as I seem to succeed a little, I slip right back in. I am a stuck, lost soul that needs a hella lot of fixing - fixing that can only come from myself, but I do not know how. It feels as though a part of me is missing, and I do not know what exactly it is that can fill me up again. This feeling of depression, and anxiousness, is one I absolutely do not wish upon anyone. I hate feeling like the only thing I am capable of, is crying myself to sleep every night, and trying to cry out all that sadness, because it honestly doesn't help at all. The only thing that all that crying does, is give me red puffy eyes which makes me look even uglier than I am. (And there I am doing it again, putting my own self-worth down, and as you can see, I am very aware and conscious that I am doing this, but I do not stop myself because I do not know how, and I do not feel like I have a reason to.) Also, uni life has been extremely challenging for me, because this wasn't how I envisioned my uni life to be like. I had really wanted to stay in hall, but I signed up for hall too late, and when I did, I wasn't offered the one I wanted, and instead got the hostel. I also found out too late that I could actually directly email the hall comms to appeal in to stay in hall, but I also did not want to add an additional burden to my parent's shoulders cos hall is really kinda expensive. Ironically, I am now regretting not appealing for hall because I have not made much new friends in uni, and my life bubble is so tiny now, I absolutely hate it. It also doesn't help that I became even quieter than I already was post A's, and I do not know how to approach people to make friends with them. It also doesn't help (third time I'm saying this in this blogpost I think) that people in my class do not really approach me to talk to me (maybe cos I seem unapproachable and all I don't even know) and it makes me feel even worse about myself cos while I know this shouldn't be the case, how other people react to me/ treat me now, really affects the way that I feel nowadays. I hate feeling like I am stuck in this unmovable bubble, and I just really wanna get out of it. Looking at everyone else's uni life, and comparing it to mine, makes me feel like something is horribly wrong with my life, and trust me when I say that I am extremely good in picking up all the negative shit in my life, and letting them pile up together. I don't even see the positive anymore, so I just become this depressing fat ball of sadness. Ha ha I hate feeling like I am so broken and shit. God I just wanna be happy again please help me.

I am also very angry tonight because one of my closest friends (who I think I am drifting from already because we are starting to be on really different frequencies from each other) has forgotten about her old friends that has been around for her for many years, after finding new friends, and it makes me really upset because I am trying to put in the effort here to like organise meet ups and all, but she isn't really putting in the effort, and I have become a 2nd choice all of a sudden, and I am sick of being people's 2nd choice, and being so easily replaced by people. This just makes me feel (once again) like I am not good enough for them, and that there's something wrong with me, because the only thing I am freaking good at is losing the people dearest and closest to me, no matter how hard I try to hang on to them. I am good at nothing else (and I know everyone who reads this is gonna say like "oh dear liqi, this ain't even true" "can you please start treating yourself and seeing yourself for who you really are" but I DON'T KNOW HOW AND GOD I AM TRYING BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW AND I AM JUST A LOST SOUL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO LIVE EACH DAY AS IT IS AND NOT FEEL LIKE I WANNA KILL MYSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY AND GOD THIS IS SUCH A DEPRESSING POST BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BECOME). I am just honestly so utterly sick of being taken for granted by the people around me, especially when I really let them in, because it feels like they had taken a look at what's inside of me, and had then decided that they no longer want anything to do with me. Well, that made me feel extremely shitty about myself again.

To be honest, I also do not know if anyone even keeps up with this blog anymore cos I don't even have this blog link up anywhere other than my twitter and my askfm, but both of which are so dead, because I don't really use them anymore other than to check on what other people are up to, but I guess it also doesn't really matter to me cos I am just blogging to let some steam out from my brain, lest I suffocate from the increasing level of negativity within me. I have become a complete negative blob, and I forgot when was the last time I could tell myself that I am truly happy (which seems like such a long time ago), but to be happy and contented, and to feel like I am good enough, and I am worthy enough is all I really want in life now, and all that I really ask.