The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

Its funny how some things work - seeing you again was like a dream and a nightmare I didn't want to wake up from, and I pictured that moment way too many times in my head.

// I always pictured that if and when we cross paths again, that we would smile at each other and say our hellos, and our how are yous. I pictured us talking and laughing like old times - and my god that was such a long time ago. I pictured you looking happy, light radiating off of you, handsome and dashing as ever. And you were. I pictured us catching up on all the times that we lost. I pictured us reminiscing all the good times we had together, all the "could have beens" that ended in many tears, losses and regrets. We always say that what we picture in our heads, wouldn't happen in real life - even picturing the idea that I MIGHT see you again somewhere is like a dream, completely unexpected. And it was. I could have sworn that in the moment when you appeared a couple of centimetres away from me again that day, my heart had stopped, and everything around us had gone into slow motion. I wanted to call your name, to touch you, to talk to you. But every single sense in me had been lost and I couldn't find my voice. Your eyes glazed over the crowd (and me) whilst you were talking to your friend, then, it was back on me. I saw you doing a double take, as though you couldn't believe it was me in front of you. And in that short moment of eye contact we had, before I looked away from you (as I always do), every single thing that we were, came crashing back down on me again. You were everything good that I had, that I could and should have, but I'd lost, because I wasn't good enough for you, and you deserved (deserve) better. I miss you. It has been more than a year since I last saw you before that eventful day, and you still cross my mind every day (albeit lesser as time passes). It's hard to forget someone who was and will always be so damn special to me. I have replayed that moment when you appeared right in front of me again (all too sudden) way too many times. When I first saw your face again that day, I had to do a double take to make sure that I wasn't seeing things, and you were really there in front of me, within my reach. You were so close, yet so far away. Time has taken many things away from us. I don't think I know you anymore, and I don't think you know me anymore either. So little, yet so much has changed over time. While there's still this sense of familiarity when I looked at you, you also looked very much like a stranger to me. There were so many things I could have done differently that day, and that I should have done differently. But our relationship is one that has been filled with so much unsaid words and undone things, that I'm not sure anything could fix it anymore. I could have walked up to you, and I could have said hi. With that said, maybe I should have - but when that flash of recognition flashed across your eyes during that moment of eye contact we shared, a part of me told me that that's good enough. I guess I just wanted to know that I haven't been forgotten.

Some days, I still feel like I could drown in everything you made me feel, and that you have reaped me of the ability to feel that way for anyone or anything else ever again.

It has taken me a really long while to formulate this blog post (which has been in my drafts since I saw you), because I have been finding the right words to put things across, but I guess I just really wanted to say - you looked happy and well, and I genuinely hope you are. I still believe that you deserve nothing less than that, and I always will X.

"Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you,

But ain't nobody love you like I do.

Promise that I will not take it personal baby

If you're moving on with someone new;

Sat in the corner of the room,

Everything's reminding me of you.

Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself - 

You're happier, aren't you?"