My sanity, insanity

Shipwreck

I should be studying or preparing to go to sleep cos it has been a longgg day after going back to school while it's recess week to complete up my project, but instead, I'm on here thinking of how I should consolidate my very messy thoughts.

It has been 6 weeks since uni begun, and this week is our recess week so that makes it 7 weeks into the school term, which is insane given how it has been nearly 49 days since we started school officially, and it doesn't even feel like it has been that long?! Time really flies and this scares me more and more as I grow up. But this isn't what I came on here to talk about.

Tonight, I came on to my blog because this year has been a real shitty ass year for me, and truth be told, I am not happy nor am I whole. This year has been really rough for me, and while I may appear to be fine physically, I am a complete emotional wreck on the inside, and it truly sucks to say this, much less admit this to myself, but I am not in a right mind or place.

2017 started off with me feeling like I had sunk to rock bottom. I was going through many things and the most significant one that hurt me the most was me losing my best friend (I never really spoke about this openly on this particular platform, or any other social platform actually, and I'm not about to, but I had to kick start this somewhere). There was not one particular factor (other than one I think neither of us wishes to bring up ever again) that stood out to me every time I thought back on what went wrong between our friendship because everything happened all too sudden. One day, we were really happy, and xxxxx made me really really happy, but the next, our friendship had been completely shattered, along with my already very vulnerable heart. The loss had hit me like a truck, and I lost myself completely. All of a sudden, I stopped feeling like I was good enough for anyone, and I was hollow and extremely bitter. Nights after nights, I just kept crying myself to sleep, and I felt like a complete shipwreck. What made matters worse, was the release of my A level results, and having the shock of my life at my Math results. I had expected to do a lottt better for math, but I really screwed it up, and for awhile, it felt like my life was ending because it felt like I had reached a dead end. It took me nearly 5 months to be somewhat okay again. One day, I woke up, and I decided that I have had it with feeling like a broken mess every single day, and I decided that I had to be the one to make things okay for myself again, and so I did. I broke out of that stupor and for awhile, I was okay. I wasn't happy, but at the very least, I didn't feel like a mess I couldn't fix.

Throughout this period, there was another situation that really bothered me and hurt my self esteem and my self worth. This is yet another situation I haven't spoken about openly on any social media platform (other than like 1 rant every blue moon on my private ig account). Ever since pre A's (say like prelims period?), my face has been breaking out non-stop and because I had such itchy hands that couldn't stop popping those irritating breakouts, I aggravated my face situation, and made my face really inflamed, and though it has been more than a year since the breakouts, my face is still full of left over scars, and hyper-pigmentations that refuse to leave my face, and it has brought my self-esteem to almost non-existent, and it sucks cos it has come to a point where I feel disgusted with myself every time I look in the mirror. Also, social media like instagram doesn't help cos for some reason, there has been an increase in the number of influencers around lately, and like everyone just looks so freaking flawless on there - smooth skin, flat stomach with abs etcetc, and I will not lie that it makes me feel even worse about myself. To feel uncomfortable in your own skin, is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world because I have forgotten how to love myself, and somedays I don't even wanna leave my house simply because I feel like I don't look good enough. Of course, there has been significant improvements in my skin, but I have grown so used to feeling disgusting and gross in my own skin, that it has come to a point where I no longer know how to be comfortable in it. Also, it didn't help that when my skin was at its worse, people I do not know (yes, complete strangers) actually came up to me to offer me facial brochures etc, and it really made me feel extremely self-conscious about myself, and I always wanted to hide my face in a hole. I no longer know how to love myself, and I struggle with my self-worth every day, and trust me when I say I try to love myself every single day, but who knew that learning to love yourself, could be harder than learning to love others?

Lately, as uni has started, it feels like I am slipping right back into that period of time when I was broken and depressed. Since I am being so candid about many things now, I shall also be candid about the fact that I have anxiety. I mean I'm not clinically diagnosed or whatever, but I tend to feel breathless, and I tend to experience chest tightness. Such experiences used to surface only when I am in the face of stressful situations, but it has gotten to the point where it just hits me out of nowhere - like I could literally be doing absolutely nothing, and all of a sudden, it'd hit me. I have tried out online counselling because I get to remain as an anon, and the counsellor is also an anon (ec2.sg) and it was pretty helpful for awhile, but I grew lazy and stopped signing up for it because I also (honestly) felt like I was burdening the anon counsellor with my stupid irrelevant problems. My closest friend, who is also the only person in my life that knows all the real shit I am going through, says that I am no longer the girl he knew when he first met me, and I am now depressing as shit, and it hurts him to see me like this. He also says that it's quite fucked up watching myself hurt myself like this, by letting myself stay in this slump of depression, because no one can help me other than myself. And he isn't wrong because it IS true that no one can help me other than myself. He asked me if I control life, or if life controls me, because right now, it seems to him that I am letting life control me. I can't say that he is wrong, but I honestly do not know how to let myself control life. All I feel in me is a whole vessel of emptiness, and I do not feel like a whole human being. It sucks because I am indeed letting myself slip right back into my slump of depression, and it's as if I'm stuck in quicksand - no matter how hard I try to pull myself back up, as soon as I seem to succeed a little, I slip right back in. I am a stuck, lost soul that needs a hella lot of fixing - fixing that can only come from myself, but I do not know how. It feels as though a part of me is missing, and I do not know what exactly it is that can fill me up again. This feeling of depression, and anxiousness, is one I absolutely do not wish upon anyone. I hate feeling like the only thing I am capable of, is crying myself to sleep every night, and trying to cry out all that sadness, because it honestly doesn't help at all. The only thing that all that crying does, is give me red puffy eyes which makes me look even uglier than I am. (And there I am doing it again, putting my own self-worth down, and as you can see, I am very aware and conscious that I am doing this, but I do not stop myself because I do not know how, and I do not feel like I have a reason to.) Also, uni life has been extremely challenging for me, because this wasn't how I envisioned my uni life to be like. I had really wanted to stay in hall, but I signed up for hall too late, and when I did, I wasn't offered the one I wanted, and instead got the hostel. I also found out too late that I could actually directly email the hall comms to appeal in to stay in hall, but I also did not want to add an additional burden to my parent's shoulders cos hall is really kinda expensive. Ironically, I am now regretting not appealing for hall because I have not made much new friends in uni, and my life bubble is so tiny now, I absolutely hate it. It also doesn't help that I became even quieter than I already was post A's, and I do not know how to approach people to make friends with them. It also doesn't help (third time I'm saying this in this blogpost I think) that people in my class do not really approach me to talk to me (maybe cos I seem unapproachable and all I don't even know) and it makes me feel even worse about myself cos while I know this shouldn't be the case, how other people react to me/ treat me now, really affects the way that I feel nowadays. I hate feeling like I am stuck in this unmovable bubble, and I just really wanna get out of it. Looking at everyone else's uni life, and comparing it to mine, makes me feel like something is horribly wrong with my life, and trust me when I say that I am extremely good in picking up all the negative shit in my life, and letting them pile up together. I don't even see the positive anymore, so I just become this depressing fat ball of sadness. Ha ha I hate feeling like I am so broken and shit. God I just wanna be happy again please help me.

I am also very angry tonight because one of my closest friends (who I think I am drifting from already because we are starting to be on really different frequencies from each other) has forgotten about her old friends that has been around for her for many years, after finding new friends, and it makes me really upset because I am trying to put in the effort here to like organise meet ups and all, but she isn't really putting in the effort, and I have become a 2nd choice all of a sudden, and I am sick of being people's 2nd choice, and being so easily replaced by people. This just makes me feel (once again) like I am not good enough for them, and that there's something wrong with me, because the only thing I am freaking good at is losing the people dearest and closest to me, no matter how hard I try to hang on to them. I am good at nothing else (and I know everyone who reads this is gonna say like "oh dear liqi, this ain't even true" "can you please start treating yourself and seeing yourself for who you really are" but I DON'T KNOW HOW AND GOD I AM TRYING BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW AND I AM JUST A LOST SOUL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO LIVE EACH DAY AS IT IS AND NOT FEEL LIKE I WANNA KILL MYSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY AND GOD THIS IS SUCH A DEPRESSING POST BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BECOME). I am just honestly so utterly sick of being taken for granted by the people around me, especially when I really let them in, because it feels like they had taken a look at what's inside of me, and had then decided that they no longer want anything to do with me. Well, that made me feel extremely shitty about myself again.

To be honest, I also do not know if anyone even keeps up with this blog anymore cos I don't even have this blog link up anywhere other than my twitter and my askfm, but both of which are so dead, because I don't really use them anymore other than to check on what other people are up to, but I guess it also doesn't really matter to me cos I am just blogging to let some steam out from my brain, lest I suffocate from the increasing level of negativity within me. I have become a complete negative blob, and I forgot when was the last time I could tell myself that I am truly happy (which seems like such a long time ago), but to be happy and contented, and to feel like I am good enough, and I am worthy enough is all I really want in life now, and all that I really ask.

Collateral Damage

"Waiting here for someone,

Only yesterday we were on the run,

You smile back at me and your face lit up the sun -

Now I'm waiting here for someone.

And oh, love, do you feel this rough?

Why's it only you I'm thinking of?

My shadow's dancing,

Without you for the first time.

My heart is hoping,

You'll walk right in tonight.

Tell me there are things that you regret,

'Cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet.

It's all I'm asking,

Is it too much to ask?

Someone's moving outside,

The lights come on and down the drive.

I forget you're not here when I close my eyes.

Do you still think of me sometimes?

And oh, love, watch the sun coming up -

Don't it feel fucked up we're not in love?"

To the one I never forgot no matter who came into my life, or who I was with, no matter how much time seemed to have passed --

For me, there's always only you.

Loving you is my greatest "sin" // 搁浅

I barely (or should I say never) blog in chinese, but this song《搁浅》sung by Jay Chou and covered by Rainie Yang (the version I fell in love with and that I have been putting on repeat continuously over the past few days) resonates with me a lot and it speaks volumes about many things I have been feeling and wanting to say over the years, but never really knew how to put into words. //

久未放晴的天空
依旧留着你的笑容
哭过
却无法掩埋歉疚

风筝在阴天搁浅
想念还在等待救援
我拉着线
复习你给的温柔

暴晒在一旁的寂寞
笑我给不起承诺
怎么会怎么会
你竟原谅了我

我只能永远读着对白
读着我对你的伤害
我原谅不了我
就请你当作我已不在

我睁开双眼看着空白
忘记你对我的期待
读完了依赖我很快就离开

//

希望 -- 希望是可怕的 ；
希望你会再度出现在我的生命里
希望你会重新回返我的生活
希望我们还会有重逢的一天。

记忆就像一张渔网，捕捉了生命中点点滴滴的回忆。许多回忆与情感随着一天一天的过去而渐渐地淡化了，但今天（和昨天与明天），我又在想你了。你仿佛一个影子，总是隐约地在我最预想不到的时刻浮现在我脑海之中。这么多年都已如岁月的过去而流逝，但你一直都烙印在我脑海里的最深处，总是缓缓地随着一首伤感的情歌，一张旧照片，或在人山人海生活迷茫之处 - 也许有机会再次遇见你熟悉的面空的地方，而出现。好奇怪，原本以为我只要努力着，就能将你取代，甚至曾尝试过把你忘掉 - 至今才知道，我永远都做不到。

--

I see your face in every crowd, and I look for pieces of you in everyone I meet. I know I probably no longer cross your mind like you cross mine, but somewhere deep down, a teeny tiny part of me still hopes that I do, and that our paths will cross and meet again someday, so you could stay for good this time. ;

So many years on, and you're still always in the deepest darkest corners of my mind. Funny I thought I could replace you if I just tried hard enough, but now I know I could never.

Untitled

I've been going through a phase where I'm constantly re-evaluating my life because so much has happened and so much has changed over the past months/ years. A lot of the things that I wanted and that I intended for to happen, didn't happen, while the things I never expected to happen in life on the other hand, ended up taking place. Well.

I guess that's another blog post for another day. //

An open letter to my friends (either within my close social circle, or not):

In life, we will all meet a bunch of sweet talkers - the ones who sugar coat their advices to you even when they KNOW you are wrong, and who try to empathise with you, even when they do not exactly agree with the way you are feeling. I am guilty as charged for the above mentioned, because it's simply easier to agree, to disagree. Why try to contradict the other party, and end up making them (and maybe even yourself) unhappy, when you can choose to make everyone happy right?

Wrong.

That, to me, is what you make to SEEM like a real friendship, but is actually a superficial one.

One day, if and when my actions no longer reflect the person I could potentially be, and if and when my actions make you question if I am still the person you used to know, do not let me be. I want a friendship that is straight up honest, one where you're able to tell me right off the bat how you feel. I want a friendship where both parties are able to express themselves truly and freely. Do not be afraid to share your views and opinions with me. I may get upset, but that's only a normal reaction when you get contradictory views as opposed to your own. At the end of the day, I would like you to know that I still (very much) respect your views, and I'll still accept your criticisms and varying opinions. This to me, is what would make up a true and genuine friendship.

With that said, I would also like to say this - if you're looking for a friendship where you'll only be able to accept opinions that are on par with your own, you're not looking in the right place with me. I had an encounter recently where I have been sugar coating my own opinions for way too long, because I know the other party would not be able to accept it. The truth is, while simply agreeing with the other party will make both of us happy due to the lack of conflicts (the most ideal situation), I have grown tired of that friendship (which has shown me that we're both people with increasingly different frequencies).

//

To be honest, I have no idea where this blog post is going (as usual) because my thoughts are always all over the place, but these are just a few random thoughts that I wanted to put out here.

I feel like as people grow up, people either grow closer together, or they grow further apart. We could have been really really close friends, who could once talk to each other about anything and everything under the light, but that could very much change over time as well. I guess growth causes people to develop different wavelengths of either very similar or very different frequencies.

I am about to enter a really new phase of life, with only 10 days left before university starts officially, and I am feeling so many things all at once - mostly excitement and fear. This fear arises not just from the fact that I'll be in a completely new environment, with new people (which means that I'll have to step out of my comfort zone again, and stop being such a turtle, and try to make new friends), but also from the fact that I may very well end up losing some of my very dear friends due to the distance (both physically and mentally). If you know me well enough, you'd know that one of my greatest fears is losing the people dear to me. Loss is not foreign to me, and neither is the underlying hurt. 

This path that I am about to go forth in, is one I never expected myself to take. When I was younger, I always aspired entering NUS FASS, and then going on to take the psychology course. That was (and is) my dream, but life took a turn and I ended up in the NUS Nursing course, a course I never ever thought I'd enter. I had never seen myself as a nurse, and up till today, I am still (honestly) very unsure if I had chosen the right path. Everytime I tell somebody that I am in the nursing course, they all ask me the same question - "Why nursing?" This question seems like such a simple one, but no exact answer comes to my mind. Often enough, I ask myself the very same question. "Why nursing?" It is not an easy course to study, and it is not an easy job to handle. It is a job that is demanding and challenging, but it is also rewarding and fulfilling. I do not have an answer for that question yet, but I hope that as I go through this course, I'll be able to find an answer true to myself. Whilst I never saw myself to be in this course, much less a nurse, and while I am still full of uncertainties for the future that is to come, I also believe that everything happens for a reason. As such, while I know that I'll face many obstacles in the years to come, I hope to eventually learn to see every obstacle as a stepping stone in life for me to grow into a better and more mature individual. I have faith that God will be there with me every step of the way, and I believe that with this faith, I'll be able to gather enough strength to get through the really bad and tough days that are yet to come, and help me make the best out of my upcoming journey.

With this, I shall end off my lengthy (unusually planned or rather, unplanned) blogpost. 

Till next time X.

Hush now baby

"If I can't find the cure, I'll fix you with my love.

No matter what you know, I'll fix you with my love.

And if you say you're okay, I'm gonna heal you anyway."

Hello friends I am back from my long ass unplanned blog hiatus and it is almost 6 months post A's (this was unplanned btw it kinda just struck me that it'd be 6 months post A's tmr just as I begun writing this blog post o my) !!! I shall forewarn that there will be no proper structure/ flow in this blog post cos I have lost touch with some of my writing skills after not using them for so long, but I just needed to get some thoughts out of my system so here goes nothing!!!

I remember writing down this long ass list of "things to do post A's" before A's actually ended, but I'm not sure how many of those things I have managed to accomplish since then, especially when my life revolves mainly around work nowadays, so I just wanted to post it up here on my blog, and do a quick check on how much I have actually accomplished in the past 6 months (speaking of which, time really flies?????):
1. Go to lazarus island (this has been on my todo list since post O's n it is still on here..... rly rly tragic)
2. go see xmas lights at gardens by the bay and at orchard?????
3. go WWW and adventure cove
4. sushi buffet pls (done n dusted but I will never have enough of this tbh?????)
5. go tree top walk
6. go coney island
7. cycling!!!
8. movie marathon wew
9. visit some pub for fun LMAO  (have been to so many I have lost count LOL)
10. travel w friends!!! Like go JB or sth
11. wanna try clubbing also for the experience LOLOL (kinda changed my mind about this because I realised that it's something I doubt I will enjoy very much??)
12. attend a xmas party
13. go for a countdown party!!!
14. read inferno by dan brown and also lang leav's latest book of poems hehe (I honestly forgot this was on my list but I actually completed it afterall wowz!!! But I have also lost count of the number of books I have read over the past 6 months because it's all I do ((other than scrolling through my ig feed countlessly in the day)) when I'm bored n have nothing better to do at work)
15. explore new food places wew (done!!! but I'm not gonna strike this off because we're never gonna stop discovering new food places in our life??? I literally discover a new food place every single week LOL)
16. perm my hair??? (uhhhh am having second thoughts about this so we shall see)
17. eat ikea meatballs (rly wanted to go for this when they had that huge ikea food discount last month or sth but I MISSED IT :-( )
18. go furniture hunting at ikea to look for bigger boxes to store all my notes and letters from friends and to refurnish my room a lil huehue
19. night walk at the singapore river cos the view there at night is beautiful!!! (all the times I went to timbre man.......) ((me n some other people from 203 went there n spent a total of $350 just last week :-) but okay I guess my heart is full even though there's a hole in my wallet))
20. go to the railway tracks thingy in sg!!! (sadly, I think this has closed down.... :-( )

Soooo I don't think I accomplished a lot from my list afterall??? LOL o well at least it's something am I right!!! HAHAHAHA dammit.

Anywayyy for those of you who were wondering, (if any cos tbh I don't even know if anyone still reads this blog??? It's so dead n all except for my occasional updates LOL), I am currently working at CPF Board in the Self-Employed Scheme & Workfare Department as their Temp admin, and life has pretty much been revolving around my work there ever since I began in Jan. My social life kinda ended right there too cos I don't really have the time to go out anymore since work began, except on fri nights and weekends, but I guess this is better than staying at home and feeling like I'm rotting my life away, doing nothing but sleep and eat. I mean... sure my work isn't the most interesting because seriously, how interesting can a temp staff's job - that consists of adhoc duties, bank runs, photocopying and printing stuff get, right? But well at least, I'm getting paid, and I feel like I'm learning how to be more financially independent, especially since my parents have stopped giving me allowance completely. While this wasn't a part of my todo list, I feel accomplished spending my own money and being able to take some form of ownership over my own life. My colleagues are really nice too and they (often enough) treat me to nice food, and while there is an inevitable age gap, because most of them are in their late 20s/30s/40s (I am the baby of my department HAHAHAHA), I am glad that they aren't hostile towards me, and are really nice to me? I have seen various characters in my office and it's kinda amusing sometimes. Honestly, due to the age gap at my office, I have been granted a lot of alone time because I can't really fit into adult conversations, and people are mostly (like 70% of the time) engaged in their own work there, and it has given me alot of insight to how adults think (some still think like kids tbh), and it has taught me to talk less and listen more. I would say that this is a good and bad thing because I am able to get alot of recuperation from all the socialising I have done over the past 2 years, plus the drain from A's zzz, but at the same time, I can feel my socialising skills deteriorating as I begin to adapt to life on my own (man I sound lonely when I put things this way), and I can feel myself being pulled into my own shell, albeit slowly.

Also, in my "solitude", I have discovered that in my studying for A's and all, there were many things that I have neglected. For instance, I forgot about my love for reading because reading while I was doing literature and GP became a chore, and my passion for it kinda dissipated over time. However, during my free time at work (which is quite alot tbh), I have rediscovered that love, especially when I came upon "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom (and basically all of Mitch Albom's books). I fell in love with that particular book because I have never felt such intense emotions whilst reading, and it really made me smile/laugh/cry??? I felt like I was on an intense rollercoaster ride that I never wanted to end. I got lost in that book, and I lost touch with my surroundings when I was reading that book. It was soooo intriguing, and I was so immersed in it. I felt like I was right there in the book with the main character, and that's how you know you're reading a damn good book???

It's funny though, I feel like I have had a lot of time to replenish my body with all the rest I lacked previously, but honestly, I still feel so drained and tired on some days, from work and personal thoughts/ emotions and all. Jan to March was filled with a shit ton of negativity and hatred over people that USED TO matter (clearly, they shouldn't and don't really anymore), and some day over the past month, I just woke up and decided that I was tired of being so sad all the time, and I got over it. Thank God I did, because I was really wearing myself (and the people closest to me) out emotionally, and I was wasting a lot of energy on people that no longer matter. Hatred is a tiring thing, and forgiveness is so damn difficult, but I'm just glad that that's another incident I am able to put behind me. No matter how much I wished time would just stand still and wait for me, while I tried to catch up with it, life moved right along, and me and my mindless thoughts moved right along with it. Here's an excerpt from The Five People You Meet In Heaven that I found really relatable, so I thought I'd share it here:

I also realised during the past 6 months, just how much my life is being consumed by social media (especially instagram/ telegram/ whatsapp). I literally spend hours on my phone nowadays, scrolling through my instagram feed every few minutes (like I'm not even kidding), and it has become such a mundane routine. Another random thought that struck me is that, with school being the only common thing me and my friends had (like back when we actually had school), it's kinda hard for us to actually keep in contact now that we have graduated, so this is where real effort comes into play. Sadly, but honestly, I haven't really been bothered to keep in contact with many people, except for like my few constants and all (cos it's pretty much effortless with them), but I also don't really feel much? It's not that they don't mean anything to me, but I guess I just feel too tired to care nowadays. Also, I actually forgot the existence of some of my friends until someone brings their name up again, and I'll give the "oh right!!! They existed in my life once!!!" reaction LOL. Well, what can I say? Growing up sucks, and I do not want to hit the big 2 next year :-(  I just wanna stop adulting and I kinda wanna stay 18 (or 19 because I am turning 19 in 2 months) for awhile... In the adult world, the adult stress is a whole new experience, and while there are pros such as increasing freedom and all, a shit ton of responsibility also comes along with it.

With all that said, I still wanna say that I do feel relatively content with the way life is now, and for what is worth, I am grateful.

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To the best friend I wanted so badly to stay, but that hurt my soul and broke my heart instead - Happiness is a choice, and everything else is just a state of mind. I'll choose to remember you by all the good times we shared, and I hope you never forget them, because I don't think I ever will (I know I never will). Here's the closure I have been struggling to put on our chapter for the longest time. Thank you X.

The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

Its funny how some things work - seeing you again was like a dream and a nightmare I didn't want to wake up from, and I pictured that moment way too many times in my head.

// I always pictured that if and when we cross paths again, that we would smile at each other and say our hellos, and our how are yous. I pictured us talking and laughing like old times - and my god that was such a long time ago. I pictured you looking happy, light radiating off of you, handsome and dashing as ever. And you were. I pictured us catching up on all the times that we lost. I pictured us reminiscing all the good times we had together, all the "could have beens" that ended in many tears, losses and regrets. We always say that what we picture in our heads, wouldn't happen in real life - even picturing the idea that I MIGHT see you again somewhere is like a dream, completely unexpected. And it was. I could have sworn that in the moment when you appeared a couple of centimetres away from me again that day, my heart had stopped, and everything around us had gone into slow motion. I wanted to call your name, to touch you, to talk to you. But every single sense in me had been lost and I couldn't find my voice. Your eyes glazed over the crowd (and me) whilst you were talking to your friend, then, it was back on me. I saw you doing a double take, as though you couldn't believe it was me in front of you. And in that short moment of eye contact we had, before I looked away from you (as I always do), every single thing that we were, came crashing back down on me again. You were everything good that I had, that I could and should have, but I'd lost, because I wasn't good enough for you, and you deserved (deserve) better. I miss you. It has been more than a year since I last saw you before that eventful day, and you still cross my mind every day (albeit lesser as time passes). It's hard to forget someone who was and will always be so damn special to me. I have replayed that moment when you appeared right in front of me again (all too sudden) way too many times. When I first saw your face again that day, I had to do a double take to make sure that I wasn't seeing things, and you were really there in front of me, within my reach. You were so close, yet so far away. Time has taken many things away from us. I don't think I know you anymore, and I don't think you know me anymore either. So little, yet so much has changed over time. While there's still this sense of familiarity when I looked at you, you also looked very much like a stranger to me. There were so many things I could have done differently that day, and that I should have done differently. But our relationship is one that has been filled with so much unsaid words and undone things, that I'm not sure anything could fix it anymore. I could have walked up to you, and I could have said hi. With that said, maybe I should have - but when that flash of recognition flashed across your eyes during that moment of eye contact we shared, a part of me told me that that's good enough. I guess I just wanted to know that I haven't been forgotten.

Some days, I still feel like I could drown in everything you made me feel, and that you have reaped me of the ability to feel that way for anyone or anything else ever again.

It has taken me a really long while to formulate this blog post (which has been in my drafts since I saw you), because I have been finding the right words to put things across, but I guess I just really wanted to say - you looked happy and well, and I genuinely hope you are. I still believe that you deserve nothing less than that, and I always will X.

"Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you,

But ain't nobody love you like I do.

Promise that I will not take it personal baby

If you're moving on with someone new;

Sat in the corner of the room,

Everything's reminding me of you.

Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself - 

You're happier, aren't you?"

Eyes

Warm, brown and round

were your eyes that stared

into me, as you dared

me to love you.

Deep, dark and striking

were your eyes as you held

on to my face - your breath heavy and lingering ;

my mind running

Your gaze - affixed on me

Empty, hollow and broke

were my eyes

when your heart turned to ice

and you became cold.

You had left me

hanging with a broken soul

as I gave you my all -

whilst you left me in sorrow.

Digging and tugging

were the mindless hands in my mind,

that frantically struggled to burrow

all thoughts of you in a d

                          e

                            e

                              p

                                           

                                dark hole.

Glossy, glistening

hardening

were my eyes as I searched for you -

in every crowd of faces I saw,

in every voice I hear.

As every memory of you fades away,

my heart gives way,

and the only thing that stays,

are those

pure, puppy, innocent eyes

that grasped me tight,

when you first said hi.

Your eyes - they sparkled so bright,

yet a darkness hides.

--

The day you said hi to me, our eyes met for the very first time. Your gaze affixed on me, as every single cell in my body erupted into butterflies. Every warning in my head blared at me. You're a dangerous human being, but your gaze, so soft yet so deep - it was alluring. With each passing day, our love burned bright, till that fateful day. As the blinds came up, and the lights shone through every dark intention of yours, I should have known that a human, so terribly beautiful, is too good to be true.

Your heart and you being broken are not mutually exclusive

The sound of my heart pounding
Is resounding

The ache in my chest is dull

My heart - no longer full

All the sleepless nights
Leave me in fright
As I grip my chest - tight.

Tears flow down my face

Heart agape

Chest open ;

Heart broken

My whole world is torn -

Deeply forlorn

//

An open letter to myself (and to anyone else who needs this) ; I hope this makes you feel better even if it's just minutely so --

We all have those nights where we feel so broken and lonely. Deep down, we know that there're some/ few people who genuinely care for us, but somewhere in the darkness, we tend to forget as darkness consumes us. We hear nothing, and we see nothing.

Here's to all the nights we cry ourselves to sleep, thinking we'd wake up feeling a little more whole, or a little less broken. Here's to all the nights we don't. And here's to everyone out there who feels like the pain in your heart might just kill you. It won't.

I know some nights, we all tend to think that the whole world has turned its back on us, and that everyone potentially hates us. Here's a reminder that those are just your demons playing tricks with your mind. You are worth so much more - even when you think you are worth nothing.

Yes, your heart and you being broken are not mutually exclusive. When your heart gets broken, so do you. But let's not all forget that when your heart is full (of happiness), so are you.

Forget about the ones who forgot about you, and remember the ones who chose to stay, even when there were so many times they could have chosen to leave. Also, do not forget to constantly be kind and generous to yourself. Self love is the most important love in the whole world because nobody can love you, like you.

To the thoughts that constantly come back to haunt me, and to the nights that I constantly lose sleep to - please be kind to my aching soul and my broken heart. Please be kind to my chaotic and anxious mind. Please drown away my mindless thoughts - of sadness, anger, hatred, resentment, and loneliness. Please dry away my tears.

I honestly just wanna feel whole again.

X.

2016 - done and dusted!!!

Hellu guys it's 2017!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE WEW

2016 has been one hell of a ride and it honestly doesn't even feel like one whole year has passed, cos the past year just flew by. 2016 was definitely not the best year, and in fact, it was a pretty bad year given the immense amount of stress I had to experience due to A's and all the other shit that happened, but I'm really glad it's over. With the new year comes new resolutions I want and hope to achieve, and as we get done and dusted with 2016, we all come out with people lost (and gained), lessons learnt, and experiences gained. 

It's funny because as every year comes to an end, I always tend to know very clearly what lessons I have learnt and stuff, but as 2016 comes to an end, I don't really know what I've learnt. I guess I learnt that it's okay to let toxic people go. In fact, we SHOULD let toxic people go, and not let their negativity affect us. I guess I also learnt that we should never let anyone or anything get in the way of our goals, and we should always stay focused and on task. I learnt that it is important to know what we want in life, and to work and fight for it. In 2016, I've lost a few friends, some more dear to me than others. I've learnt that even the people who were closest to you, and who meant the world to you, can and will hurt you. They will disappoint you. I've learnt that pain is a back and forth thing, and sometimes, I really wish it'd just cease to exist. I've learnt that resentment is extremely unhealthy, and it's better to just let bygones be bygones ((even if it's just easy to say, but hard to do)). I've learnt that no matter how deep your wounds, time really does heal you, no matter how long it takes. And with that, I've learnt that pain is temporary. You may not forget, but with time, one day, you will really learn to move on. Maybe because of somebody, or something, or maybe it's simply because of yourself. Regardless, you will. With that said, I've also learnt that the people who help you move on, can end up becoming the ones to hurt you all over again. Pain is a constant cycle, and the only person who can truly help you, is yourself.

//

I just wanna take this chance to say how damn grateful I am for these 2 friends (chan n fel ofc) who have stayed throughout everything - the good times and the bad. Thank you - for seeing the best parts of me and the worst parts of me, and accepting me wholly for who I am. Thank you for sticking by me through the thick and thins of my life, for being so damn understanding, and for always listening. I'm sorry for all the times I was a really inadequate friend, but I'm learning everyday to become a better person (and friend) and I hope you all know how much I freaking love you guys. We've known each other for 3 years now (time seriously flies) and here's to so many more years of friendship!!!❤

To Josh, thank you. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I am so damn grateful for you. It's so rare for couples to stay as friends, much less as close friends, after they break up, but I am so very grateful that we're still as close as ever. Thank you for being so damn forgiving through everything, and for always tolerating me. I haven't been the best person to you and I always tell you that you deserve more than me (because I truly think that you do) but thank you for not abandoning me hard and cold, and for staying in my life, even after we've seen each other at our worsts. I don't really care how (almost) everyone thinks it's weird that we're still so close even though we've already broken up, because really, their opinions are invalid as hell to me, but thank you for being such a true special gem with such a kind heart. You are such a good person, and thank you for being my best friend and I love you, always X.

"Part of what we shared has already vanished, and no amount of crying is going to bring that back."

To you. I really wish I could name you, and I really wanted to because there was so much for me to be thankful for, but it's such a pity that our friendship never ever works out no matter how hard I seem to try. I would like to think that you tried too, and I guess you really did at some point, but I guess I just am never good enough for you. I don't know what is going through your mind, and I guess I never will since you never will explain to me, but despite all the pain you put me through (I bet you don't even know much you broke my heart and hurt me because you just stopped trying), I just wanna thank you for all the good times we shared, and all the happy moments you gave me (even if it was only for a while). Thank you for all the nights you stayed up to talk to me when I was dealing with my panic attacks and anxiety. Thank you for all the times you tried to cheer me up when I was feeling really down, and for cheering me on and encouraging me to study when I was really unmotivated to study. Thank you for letting me open up to somebody again. You may not know how hard it is for me to open up to people because I know I look like I open up to people really easily, but the truth is that I don't. I hate and fear attachment because everyone and everything that I get attached to, somehow always leaves me (which is true for our case again...) and I hate dealing with losses. So thank you, for letting me learn to open up to somebody again, albeit it was only for a short period of time. Thank you for letting me in (somewhat) and for sharing with me things you said you only told me. I sincerely hope you weren't lying because I really appreciated every single thing you shared with me, no matter how small. I wish I could hate you for all the pain you caused me, for making me feel so small and empty (almost like I was nothing), for making me feel so easily replaced, for being so damn lazy ass irresponsible, and for just cutting me out like I never meant anything to you (even as a friend), but I could never. Deep down, like I said before, I still want to think of you as the really really good person I think (or thought) I know. Many people have told me to cut you out from my life completely, but they don't know that I could never do that especially when I promised you that I'll never cut you out from my life again, since the first time I did. I don't know if your promises to me meant anything, but at least by my own principles, the promises I made to you will always stand. Either way, I still wish you all the best, and like I told you before, I strongly believe that one day, you'll be really successful as long as you keep working hard, and as long as you stop being such a goddamn coward, and not knowing what you want. Thank you, for the good because they made me really really happy at some point, and for the bad. Take care, stay safe, and I hope you're happy.

To the timely advice I JUST got from person X, thank you. I wasn't expecting myself to get any advice from you, but I really just wanna say a vvv big thank you. Your advices are always damn legit and never with a pinch of biasness, and you really knocked some serious sense into me. It was like a cold ass blow to my heart, but it really woke me up. Thank you for always being so forthcoming with me, for not sugar coating anything, even if you know it's something I may not want to hear, and thank you for being so damn understanding, for not judging, and for always being really objective. We may not be the closest, but for all the few random heart to heart talks we have, I am thankful :-)

For my new year's resolutions in 2017, I just want a simple happy life I guess. So here are 10 things I hope to achieve in the new year!!!

1) Be happy

2) Be healthy and safe

3) Be a better person and be more understanding

4) Be more patient and kind

5) Talk less, listen more

6) Be more outgoing and adventurous

7) Be more calm, and less panicky (and get less anxiety attacks)

8) Learn to love myself more and not feel so inadequate all the time

9) Do things more for myself than for others

10) Learn to be contented

Have a really great new year ahead everyone!!! Let's make this coming year a really great one WOOOO :-)