Wondering if I dodged the bullet

Everything is temporary; emotions, thoughts, people and scenery. Do not become attached - they destroy you. //

I guess I overestimated my importance to you and I guess I was wrong but I guess, being confused, mad and hurt is just a temporary state of mind and I will get better. I cared too damn much and I'm a fool for still caring about you because I honestly wanted nothing more than to salvage our once very precious friendship, from whatever damage you and I had created when we crossed the line somewhere someday, ((or whatever little thing that was left for the both of us)), but I guess I'm just not worthy enough to you for that, and so I just sincerely hope you're happy - with the choice you made, and everything else. 

((I think you don't care anymore, but I hope that somewhere, somewhat, whatever I had thought/ assumed of you was wrong, cos I still want to think of you as the best version of you I know, or at least I think I know... sigh))

; Gentle reminder to every girl out there who is getting anxiety over a boy who made you feel so much, yet so little all at the same time -

Free falling

Just a quick update //

I was like doing some reflection mid-studying and stuff cos yeah I need a break from all the econs I've been doing and I realise that my life is really full of like "what ifs" and "I should haves". "What if I had ..." or "I should have ...", and I am honestly sick of that, and sick of my own cowardice (somewhat). It's hard to go for the things we want in life, and it's hard to muster up the courage to seek what we desire, cos there's always this possibility that we end up failing. But I feel like even if things don't end up working out, and going the way we had planned for it to, ultimately, at least we gave our best, and we tried. At least, we can say that we fought for it you know?

"It's a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah but what if it does?"

Obliteration

We were too young to know what love was -
I had built up all the walls,
and you had tried to climb across
but all you found was
thorns and glass shards of a previous hurt;
a previous love.

Time stood still,
as we stood across from each other -
our love frail;
our promises trail-ing
behind us,
memories fad-ing
and we both cried.

This love had died.

//

Our love -
to the world it burns brightly - 

But it died long ago. 

You are your own self worth

I was in the midst of revising for my chem paper 3 on monday, and a random thought crossed my mind so I thought that since I haven't been blogging in awhile, that I'd blog it out.

I feel that confidence is a beautiful thing. And learning to love yourself, should come before you learning to love anything, or anyone else. There're so many people in the world today that claim that they love themselves, but how many of them actually really do? 

Self-esteem is such a controversial topic. So many things out there provoke our self esteem, and the way we define beauty. Pictures of celebrities, photoshopped, and edited has blinded many of us from what true beauty is. Beauty is not perfection. Beauty is knowing that you as an individual, have flaws, and accepting them as a part of yourself. This is something that's so easy to say, but so hard to do. Everyone has self esteem issues - be it body issues, or confidence issues. I do not deny that personally, I go through these struggles. Some days, I think that I am not good enough for anyone, and some days, I feel like I never will be. Some days, I look in the mirror and I nitpick at every bad thing about myself (be it on my face, or at certain body parts - thighs, stomach etc.) 

Self acceptance is not easy, and I'm still trying and learning to do that for myself everyday. Someone once told me to do things for myself, and not for other people, and not to get peer pressured into doing something to please others. I feel that, to a certain extent, those words have kept me grounded to staying true to myself. As a matter of fact, I am not a confident individual. Little things (or what appears as little to others at least) like pimples, or face blemishes in general, tummy fats etc get to me alot. I think my lowest point came when I could barely look at myself in the mirror because everytime I did, I felt so bad about myself - almost worthless. And at that time, I have never felt smaller as an individual. Well, I have not yet learnt to love myself. But I am going to learn how to one day.

Today, I make that promise to myself, that I will make my way towards becoming a self-loving individual step by step.

In all this bitterness, you stay so sweet

"There in the darkest corners of her mind, wildflowers grow." 

Sometimes, on the darker days, I still think of you; And I've been by myself remembering you.

You are my remedy

I turned 18 yesterday!!! WEW✨✨✨

Yesterday was a really gr8 day and it was honestly one of the best birthdays ever cos I got to spend it with some of the really important people in my life, and the most important person ever, planned everything, and he has been planning since a month ago??? I am so blessed.

I met up with Josh yesterday morning at around 11.45am and we went to eat hot tomato and I ate carbonara and it was reallyyy nice hehe. He gave me my first birthday present there which was a really cute bracelet. After that we walked around the mall and shopped cos he said we had free time till like 2plus, according to his plans, so I was like okaaay. He was on his phone almost all the time and being really suspicious LOL but at around 3 plus, he dragged me to OC and we walked around somemore, and I was honestly getting really tired and a little annoyed cos all we were doing was walking in circles LOL. Then he dragged me to the OC roof garden and I was complaining almost all the time cos it was so freaking hot there, and I was wearing long sleeves, and I was sweating HAHAHA. We managed to find this sheltered area, and we sat there, and he gave me my next birthday present which was a really beautiful, and elegant necklace and I loved it, and I was really touched cos I cannot imagine how much sacrifices he had to make, to save up to buy this for me. Awhile back, when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him that I just really want something that I can keep and remember, and not something that'll be worn out one day, and that I'll have to throw away eventually, and he remembered. I was really really touched, and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. After that, he helped me put it on and it was soooo pretty.

He then brought me to the lower floor of the roof garden, and I saw a flash of someone running past, and I realised it was kennee LOL and I shouted at him HAHAHAHAHAHA then a group of them came out with a small tiramisu cake and started to surprise me LOL. Fel and Chan were there again omg and there was Jojo, Chew and Kennee HAHAHA

Josh told me a few others were also involved and were supposed to come but they couldn't make it in the end but still thank u guyz it's the thought that counts :)

We stood in the hot sun for a good 1 hour plus I think, taking photos and stuff LOL then Jojo, Chew and Kennee left first. Me, Josh, Fel and Chan stayed there for a while longer and took more photos before we left LOL, and Chan and Fel went to other places HAHAHA. Me and Josh were supposed to watch Finding Dory but I had like 5 balloons in my hand and it was hitting everyone everywhere I went, and there was a really long queue at the cinema's ticket booth so we ended up not watching. Me and Josh were really tired by then, so we went to Koufu at cineleisure to lepak and drink some drinks. After that, we went to Taka to eat dinner. I had a really bad tummy ache there so I was in the toilet for quite awhile LOL and me and Josh went home earlier than expected. I wanted to send Josh off at bishan but he refused cos he wanted me to go home earlier to get some rest so I went home HAHAHA.

Thank you everyone who wished me (either face to face, through text, ig dedis etcetc), and thank you to everyone who wrote me cards and got me presents. I really appreciate them all alot cos it's really the thought that counts and I am so blessed. Thank you to those who came down yesterday just to celebrate my birthday with me I really really appreciate the extra effort cos yall really didn't have to come down at all so THANK U GUYS❤❤❤

Thank you Fel and Chan for celebrating my birthday with me, for 2 days, even though the first day was kinda a troll LOL. Sorry I looked disappointed at your presents cos I thought they were your legit gifts but they ended up being troll gifts LMAO and thank u so much for your actual gifts HAHAHA. I really love them alot and I am so grateful for the both of you, for being such constants in my life, and for always having my back no matter what happens. LOVE YOU GUYS ALOT❤❤❤

22nd June 2016 HAHAHA :)

23rd June 2016 ((actual day HAHAHA YAY))

And of course, thank you Josh. You are such a blessing in my life. I recieved quite a number of gifts this birthday, and your gifts were of course my favourite, but really, you are the best gift out of all✨✨✨ Thank you for making my 18th such a special one, but as I have told you so many times, you are truly the most special. Thank you for everything you've done for me; for tolerating me and all the nonsense I throw at you. Thank you for always trying your best to make me happy, even when it may be at the expense of yours sometimes; for doing so much for me. Thank you for always accepting me for who I am, even when I'm at my worst, and thank you for reminding me how much you love me, even when we're at our worst, fighting, and being really unreasonable and especially harsh with each other during the bad times. Thank you for loving me and being here for me, through all the thicks and thins, and for staying. Thank you for helping me get through all the really dark days, and for helping me, and teaching me how to open up to people again. Thank you for letting me, let you in. Thank you for everything, really. You make me feel so happy, blessed, and loved, and thank you. Thank you for being my happiness, my blessing, and my love. I love you more than anything else, and I could never thank you enough❤❤❤❤❤❤

The pendant on the necklace represents infinity✨ // Thank you baby I love you X. ❤❤❤

How long will I love you

Just a really quick update cos I haven't updated my blog in more than a month. This month has been crazy hectic. Before the june hols started, I was counting down the number of days till the june hols will start, cos I was getting so tired and drained of school. People in school were tiring me out and draining me so badly, and I really hated going to school. Somedays, I just wanna hide away from everyone and be alone. But thank God I pulled through.

It is now the end of the 3rd week of the June hols which leaves me with one last week, and I won't be studying much this week cos it's my birthday week, and I'm going out quite a few times to celebrate ((sigh)). There is really so much to do, and so little time. I really need better time management skills. I will never understand how some people are able to juggle between work and social life so well, and sometimes, I really envy these over-achievers ALOT.

Yesterday, we had class bbq and I was contemplating for a really long time as to whether I should go, or stay home to study cos I really need to buck up on my studies... but I decided to go and they "surprised" me and chartay ((and supposedly Austin who didn't turn up LOL)) with a cake and they got me the really cute bucket hat I had my eyes on when I went out with the class girls to shop that time, and a distressed denim skirt HAHAHA YAY thank u guys I lav yall alot HEHEHE. I'm really grateful to everyone who put in the time and effort to plan this event and to celebrate our special day with us, but most importantly, I think it's really the thought that counts so thank u guys!!! :)

Photo edit creds seem HAHAHAHA :)

203 girls minus those who are absent WEW

Just as the bbq started ytd, I recieved a call from my mum and she was being really unreasonable over the phone and she just started screaming at me out of nowhere for no reason, and I was so angry and upset I just ran into the toilet and I was ranting to Fel, when Chew and Kath came into the toilet to see if I was okay, and I just broke down and cried and told them what happened, and when I walked out with them, Chew offered me food and I was really touched and I continued ranting to Fel ((this girl never fails to listen to me rant I swear thank God she came into my life)) and I sat there alone cos I really didn't want to interact with anyone at that time. Seem came to give me food too ((thank u seem and chew lav yall hehehe)) and Dames came to talk to me and I told him that if he came to talk to me now I might cry again so he gave me my space HAHAHAHAHA.

When I started to interact w people again after that, I was still feeling kinda upset. Thankfully, Kennee, Jr, Dames and Guang came to talk to me and tried to poke fun at me, and tease me, to make me laugh and yay they succeeded HAHAHAHA I felt alot better after that cos it's really comforting to have people care for you when you're upset, and to know that people care, and I'm super grateful to have them around in my life, and I really hope our friendship will last for many many more years to come hehehe. They never fail to have my backs when I'm upset and be there for me, and listen to me rant when I'm feeling down, give me advice (even if it's stupid advice sometimes LOLOL) and they never fail to make me laugh, albeit by doing or saying stupid things HAHAHAHA. Thank you guys✨✨✨✨ ((1 for 1 of you HAHAHAHA))

And ofc thank u Josh I'm sorry I always always push you away when I'm upset even though supposedly, I'm supposed to turn to you (ironic ik LOL - zzz at my attachment issues HAHAHAHA haiz) but thank you for always watching out for me and being there for me and for knowing right away when I'm feeling off. I love you❤

"How long will I love you? As long as the sea is bound to wash upon the sand"