I've been feeling sad in all the nicest places

Maybe in another dimension.

Wondering if I dodged the bullet

Everything is temporary; emotions, thoughts, people and scenery. Do not become attached - they destroy you. //

I guess I overestimated my importance to you and I guess I was wrong but I guess, being confused, mad and hurt is just a temporary state of mind and I will get better. I cared too damn much and I'm a fool for still caring about you because I honestly wanted nothing more than to salvage our once very precious friendship, from whatever damage you and I had created when we crossed the line somewhere someday, ((or whatever little thing that was left for the both of us)), but I guess I'm just not worthy enough to you for that, and so I just sincerely hope you're happy - with the choice you made, and everything else. 

((I think you don't care anymore, but I hope that somewhere, somewhat, whatever I had thought/ assumed of you was wrong, cos I still want to think of you as the best version of you I know, or at least I think I know... sigh))

; Gentle reminder to every girl out there who is getting anxiety over a boy who made you feel so much, yet so little all at the same time -

Free falling

Just a quick update //

I was like doing some reflection mid-studying and stuff cos yeah I need a break from all the econs I've been doing and I realise that my life is really full of like "what ifs" and "I should haves". "What if I had ..." or "I should have ...", and I am honestly sick of that, and sick of my own cowardice (somewhat). It's hard to go for the things we want in life, and it's hard to muster up the courage to seek what we desire, cos there's always this possibility that we end up failing. But I feel like even if things don't end up working out, and going the way we had planned for it to, ultimately, at least we gave our best, and we tried. At least, we can say that we fought for it you know?

"It's a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah but what if it does?"

Obliteration

We were too young to know what love was -
I had built up all the walls,
and you had tried to climb across
but all you found was
thorns and glass shards of a previous hurt;
a previous love.

Time stood still,
as we stood across from each other -
our love frail;
our promises trail-ing
behind us,
memories fad-ing
and we both cried.

This love had died.

//

Our love -
to the world it burns brightly - 

But it died long ago. 

You are your own self worth

I was in the midst of revising for my chem paper 3 on monday, and a random thought crossed my mind so I thought that since I haven't been blogging in awhile, that I'd blog it out.

I feel that confidence is a beautiful thing. And learning to love yourself, should come before you learning to love anything, or anyone else. There're so many people in the world today that claim that they love themselves, but how many of them actually really do? 

Self-esteem is such a controversial topic. So many things out there provoke our self esteem, and the way we define beauty. Pictures of celebrities, photoshopped, and edited has blinded many of us from what true beauty is. Beauty is not perfection. Beauty is knowing that you as an individual, have flaws, and accepting them as a part of yourself. This is something that's so easy to say, but so hard to do. Everyone has self esteem issues - be it body issues, or confidence issues. I do not deny that personally, I go through these struggles. Some days, I think that I am not good enough for anyone, and some days, I feel like I never will be. Some days, I look in the mirror and I nitpick at every bad thing about myself (be it on my face, or at certain body parts - thighs, stomach etc.) 

Self acceptance is not easy, and I'm still trying and learning to do that for myself everyday. Someone once told me to do things for myself, and not for other people, and not to get peer pressured into doing something to please others. I feel that, to a certain extent, those words have kept me grounded to staying true to myself. As a matter of fact, I am not a confident individual. Little things (or what appears as little to others at least) like pimples, or face blemishes in general, tummy fats etc get to me alot. I think my lowest point came when I could barely look at myself in the mirror because everytime I did, I felt so bad about myself - almost worthless. And at that time, I have never felt smaller as an individual. Well, I have not yet learnt to love myself. But I am going to learn how to one day.

Today, I make that promise to myself, that I will make my way towards becoming a self-loving individual step by step.

In all this bitterness, you stay so sweet

"There in the darkest corners of her mind, wildflowers grow." 

Sometimes, on the darker days, I still think of you; And I've been by myself remembering you.

You are my remedy

I turned 18 yesterday!!! WEW✨✨✨

Yesterday was a really gr8 day and it was honestly one of the best birthdays ever cos I got to spend it with some of the really important people in my life, and the most important person ever, planned everything, and he has been planning since a month ago??? I am so blessed.

I met up with Josh yesterday morning at around 11.45am and we went to eat hot tomato and I ate carbonara and it was reallyyy nice hehe. He gave me my first birthday present there which was a really cute bracelet. After that we walked around the mall and shopped cos he said we had free time till like 2plus, according to his plans, so I was like okaaay. He was on his phone almost all the time and being really suspicious LOL but at around 3 plus, he dragged me to OC and we walked around somemore, and I was honestly getting really tired and a little annoyed cos all we were doing was walking in circles LOL. Then he dragged me to the OC roof garden and I was complaining almost all the time cos it was so freaking hot there, and I was wearing long sleeves, and I was sweating HAHAHA. We managed to find this sheltered area, and we sat there, and he gave me my next birthday present which was a really beautiful, and elegant necklace and I loved it, and I was really touched cos I cannot imagine how much sacrifices he had to make, to save up to buy this for me. Awhile back, when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him that I just really want something that I can keep and remember, and not something that'll be worn out one day, and that I'll have to throw away eventually, and he remembered. I was really really touched, and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. After that, he helped me put it on and it was soooo pretty.

He then brought me to the lower floor of the roof garden, and I saw a flash of someone running past, and I realised it was kennee LOL and I shouted at him HAHAHAHAHAHA then a group of them came out with a small tiramisu cake and started to surprise me LOL. Fel and Chan were there again omg and there was Jojo, Chew and Kennee HAHAHA

Josh told me a few others were also involved and were supposed to come but they couldn't make it in the end but still thank u guyz it's the thought that counts :)

We stood in the hot sun for a good 1 hour plus I think, taking photos and stuff LOL then Jojo, Chew and Kennee left first. Me, Josh, Fel and Chan stayed there for a while longer and took more photos before we left LOL, and Chan and Fel went to other places HAHAHA. Me and Josh were supposed to watch Finding Dory but I had like 5 balloons in my hand and it was hitting everyone everywhere I went, and there was a really long queue at the cinema's ticket booth so we ended up not watching. Me and Josh were really tired by then, so we went to Koufu at cineleisure to lepak and drink some drinks. After that, we went to Taka to eat dinner. I had a really bad tummy ache there so I was in the toilet for quite awhile LOL and me and Josh went home earlier than expected. I wanted to send Josh off at bishan but he refused cos he wanted me to go home earlier to get some rest so I went home HAHAHA.

Thank you everyone who wished me (either face to face, through text, ig dedis etcetc), and thank you to everyone who wrote me cards and got me presents. I really appreciate them all alot cos it's really the thought that counts and I am so blessed. Thank you to those who came down yesterday just to celebrate my birthday with me I really really appreciate the extra effort cos yall really didn't have to come down at all so THANK U GUYS❤❤❤

Thank you Fel and Chan for celebrating my birthday with me, for 2 days, even though the first day was kinda a troll LOL. Sorry I looked disappointed at your presents cos I thought they were your legit gifts but they ended up being troll gifts LMAO and thank u so much for your actual gifts HAHAHA. I really love them alot and I am so grateful for the both of you, for being such constants in my life, and for always having my back no matter what happens. LOVE YOU GUYS ALOT❤❤❤

22nd June 2016 HAHAHA :)

23rd June 2016 ((actual day HAHAHA YAY))

And of course, thank you Josh. You are such a blessing in my life. I recieved quite a number of gifts this birthday, and your gifts were of course my favourite, but really, you are the best gift out of all✨✨✨ Thank you for making my 18th such a special one, but as I have told you so many times, you are truly the most special. Thank you for everything you've done for me; for tolerating me and all the nonsense I throw at you. Thank you for always trying your best to make me happy, even when it may be at the expense of yours sometimes; for doing so much for me. Thank you for always accepting me for who I am, even when I'm at my worst, and thank you for reminding me how much you love me, even when we're at our worst, fighting, and being really unreasonable and especially harsh with each other during the bad times. Thank you for loving me and being here for me, through all the thicks and thins, and for staying. Thank you for helping me get through all the really dark days, and for helping me, and teaching me how to open up to people again. Thank you for letting me, let you in. Thank you for everything, really. You make me feel so happy, blessed, and loved, and thank you. Thank you for being my happiness, my blessing, and my love. I love you more than anything else, and I could never thank you enough❤❤❤❤❤❤

The pendant on the necklace represents infinity✨ // Thank you baby I love you X. ❤❤❤

How long will I love you

Just a really quick update cos I haven't updated my blog in more than a month. This month has been crazy hectic. Before the june hols started, I was counting down the number of days till the june hols will start, cos I was getting so tired and drained of school. People in school were tiring me out and draining me so badly, and I really hated going to school. Somedays, I just wanna hide away from everyone and be alone. But thank God I pulled through.

It is now the end of the 3rd week of the June hols which leaves me with one last week, and I won't be studying much this week cos it's my birthday week, and I'm going out quite a few times to celebrate ((sigh)). There is really so much to do, and so little time. I really need better time management skills. I will never understand how some people are able to juggle between work and social life so well, and sometimes, I really envy these over-achievers ALOT.

Yesterday, we had class bbq and I was contemplating for a really long time as to whether I should go, or stay home to study cos I really need to buck up on my studies... but I decided to go and they "surprised" me and chartay ((and supposedly Austin who didn't turn up LOL)) with a cake and they got me the really cute bucket hat I had my eyes on when I went out with the class girls to shop that time, and a distressed denim skirt HAHAHA YAY thank u guys I lav yall alot HEHEHE. I'm really grateful to everyone who put in the time and effort to plan this event and to celebrate our special day with us, but most importantly, I think it's really the thought that counts so thank u guys!!! :)

Photo edit creds seem HAHAHAHA :)

203 girls minus those who are absent WEW

Just as the bbq started ytd, I recieved a call from my mum and she was being really unreasonable over the phone and she just started screaming at me out of nowhere for no reason, and I was so angry and upset I just ran into the toilet and I was ranting to Fel, when Chew and Kath came into the toilet to see if I was okay, and I just broke down and cried and told them what happened, and when I walked out with them, Chew offered me food and I was really touched and I continued ranting to Fel ((this girl never fails to listen to me rant I swear thank God she came into my life)) and I sat there alone cos I really didn't want to interact with anyone at that time. Seem came to give me food too ((thank u seem and chew lav yall hehehe)) and Dames came to talk to me and I told him that if he came to talk to me now I might cry again so he gave me my space HAHAHAHAHA.

When I started to interact w people again after that, I was still feeling kinda upset. Thankfully, Kennee, Jr, Dames and Guang came to talk to me and tried to poke fun at me, and tease me, to make me laugh and yay they succeeded HAHAHAHA I felt alot better after that cos it's really comforting to have people care for you when you're upset, and to know that people care, and I'm super grateful to have them around in my life, and I really hope our friendship will last for many many more years to come hehehe. They never fail to have my backs when I'm upset and be there for me, and listen to me rant when I'm feeling down, give me advice (even if it's stupid advice sometimes LOLOL) and they never fail to make me laugh, albeit by doing or saying stupid things HAHAHAHA. Thank you guys✨✨✨✨ ((1 for 1 of you HAHAHAHA))

And ofc thank u Josh I'm sorry I always always push you away when I'm upset even though supposedly, I'm supposed to turn to you (ironic ik LOL - zzz at my attachment issues HAHAHAHA haiz) but thank you for always watching out for me and being there for me and for knowing right away when I'm feeling off. I love you❤

"How long will I love you? As long as the sea is bound to wash upon the sand"

What is love

I have been really busy recently and I haven't had the time to blog at all but today, I really need to get some things off my chest. The past month hasn't been easy. School has been really hard and I really feel like giving up alot, but I keep trying to push myself to go on, and to try to do better, even though my results right now really seems like it's not gonna get me anywhere.

School is taking a toll on me, and it's making it really hard for me to balance my priorities out. I don't even know what I want anymore... I just rly wanna do v well for A's but there's so much to do and so little time sigh. //

How do you love someone right? And enough?

I wish we met while I was whole;
while I wasn't cold,
but bold
to love. 

I wish I met u before I ever met anyone else.

You deserve better than me and I don't deserve this love as much as you think I do, but thank you. 

Maybe in another life, I'll love you better but in this moment, we're both struggling to breathe, and I'm fighting not to drown. I guess we both are. 

You feel like a dream I never woke up from

"You were the storm that changed the skyline. After the damage and the deluge, I could see things so much clearer. There hasn't been another like you since. // 

In 1953, we began naming hurricanes, So we could remember them beyond the wreckage. So we could try to make sense of the destruction; 

This is the way I remember you."

Happy 18th birthday you // I really hope you're doing well and as always, I wish you all the happiness in the world cos you deserve everything good in this world. 
.
.
.
I used to love you beyond words could ever measure, and I always will X. 

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

"There's hell; then there're days without you"

Today was a pretty gr8 day!! I went out with the study group and it took them like 983737x hours to decide where they wanted to go the day before on the group and I was honestly getting quite fed up cos its kinda pekcek but we FINALLY decided on going to marina barrage. When we reached Marina Bay, we were super confused as to where to go and we ended up going to the wrong bus stop. The guys were using google maps and they wanted to direct us towards marina barrage which was clearly the wrong direction (... reasons why google maps AND GUYS are unreliable !!!) ((Jk HAHAHAHA)) and luckily we managed to ask this kind bus uncle who directed us towards the right bus stop. As we were walking towards the bus stop, we passed by this super big ass tower that looked like an office building and we all thought it was, until we saw the signage that said "Marina Bay Residence" and we were all rly shocked cos wow that place looked rly high end (I wanna stay at a place like this one day???). Awhile later, we saw MBS and we saw some nice benches there, so we kinda gave up on going to marina barrage and decided on just settling down at the benches outside MBS to picnic cos the weather was too damn hot and no cap or sunglasses could help us deal with the heat LOL. While we were eating the food we bought, some birds started coming (yux) and Josh and Kennee were like running everywhere to chase them away but the birds kept coming back, and more and more started coming, and we got scared when crows started coming, cos crows may attack people so we decided to pack up and look for another place to settle down. We found a place right outside MBS which was sheltered ((yay plus point!!!)) and so we decided to settle down there and continued eating our food. We stayed there for like 2hours plus, just talking and saying random stuff before going into MBS to walk around and stuff ((the toilet there is super atas I LOVE IT LOL)). We got bored afterwards so we decided to go to stadium HAHAHA.

We were shopping at sports hub when I saw a rly rly rly pretty off shoulder top at h&m but it was $39.90 and there was no way I was gonna spend nearly 40bucks on an off shoulder top ((no matter how nice it is)) so I left it there ((why do pretty things always come at such expensive prices??? SIGH)). Then we went to f21 and I saw this cuteass bear sock which was only $2 and Josh bought it for me ((yay thanks bby)) and we just walked around somemore before I had to leave cos I have a curfew... ((yes I know my curfew sux ass but guess who's not gonna care once she hits 18??? Dasrite - me lolll))

But yeah today has been a pretty good friday after all and I'm ever so grateful for all of u guys and am also v grateful for 7/7 attendance today cos it's so different with anyone of yall missing!!☺☺

"Seems to me like I'm just scared of never feeling it again"

// I have been rly moody recently as well, and my moodswings have been all over the place but thank YOU for still sticking by me all the time and tolerating with all my shit. It's hard to believe that you're still around after all these time, and sometimes, I feel like I do take you for granted alot, but I am really ever grateful and thankful for you. Thank you for teaching me how to love everyday even though I'm still rly bad at it, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be good at it. They say that time's supposed to heal me, but it has still been really really hard. Thank you though, for sticking by me despite all the mess I made, and thank you for always picking up my pieces after me. I am so unloving on some nights like tonight, cos sometimes I just wanna numb myself and forget what it's like to love, cos love can be such a pain in the ass sometimes, but thank you for reminding me of the beauty of love too from time to time. I know I am a v difficult person to please and love, but thank you for being so willing to do it all the time, and thanks for dealing with all the shit I throw at you. And thank you for loving me even when I'm being unloving as hell, and for tolerating all the times I start having a relapse. Sometimes I really wish I met you first so nothing would be in the way of how I feel and I'd just love you easily and freely without the fear of attachment, but I guess this is what they mean when they say we have to fight rly hard to get the love we deserve. Please trust me when I say I'm still fighting rly hard for the love you deserve ((cos you deserve nothing less than the best)) and when I say I'm still fighting and trying to be, and become better. These days, I have been constantly reminding myself not to have a relapse, and it has been so hard but I AM trying my best. I hate admitting all these to you, and I'd rather blog about this than tell them directly to you cos it's rly so hard to do, but if and when you read this, I hope you know, and I hope it reminds you of how much I appreciate you ((even tho I don't show it much cos I don't rly know how to)), and how much I love you despite my unloving and unfeeling cold nights.

"Under the half moon and its half-light, you found me."

// And to all of you out there who feel rly bad about yourself on some or most days, and are always constantly reminded of your own flaws ((not by others but mostly by yourself)) please know that you're not alone, and please also rmb to constantly surround yourself with positivity and with people who constantly reaffirm you and teach you ways to love yourself. Leave everyone who brings about negativity to your life or those who say things to try to bring you down, cos you of ALL people do not need to deal with shit like that. Self love is as important, no, it's MORE important than the love of others. I really do agree with the statement that "you can only love the people around you when you learn to love yourself" and though I'm so bad at loving myself and everything, I'm learning to, and I'm trying my best. But yas self love is vvv impt guys!!! Please rmb to be kind to yourself, to be gracious and to love yourself ((this is not only a note to myself but to everyone out there who's still struggling with this))☺

((P/S selfie cos yas self love is impt HAHAHAHAHA JK I just wanted to share the things this cute ass app I found can do hehehe okay till next time X.))

You radiate in me what the sun cannot

Blurred were the lines
of our memories
as we trample across them
whilst they lay upon the vast ocean -

We were fighting to drown.

//The day we met//

Blurred were the lines
of our love -

We were two separate entities;
now we're one.

Your light burned through
the holes
that once was my broken soul
and gradually, I became whole //

You radiate in me what the sun cannot.

I can't give you my soul

"Our love has gone cold;

You're intertwining your soul with somebody else."

You're spilling like an overflowing sink

We're living in a shattered world -

Full of broken glass;
And crystals.

We are so fragile,
and such sublime
individuals;
yet so moulded -

So similar.

Right now, we're fighting a battle
that we're trying so hard to tackle;
Every step of the way,
I hear the cackle
of the hindering obstacles,
and silently wish things were better,
as I try my best
to not be consumed by the fears -

Like the glass burnt in the fire.

All the roads, they lead me home

Wow, today is the 2nd last day of February, and with that said, nearly 2 months has gone by. Time really flies. This year is a really important year for me and my friends (and everyone who's taking A's) cos it basically determines where we're headed in the future, and what we'll be doing for the rest of our lives (kinda) and it never feels like we're doing enough no matter how much we seem to be studying (not that I've been doing alot of that which is pretty bad).

Anywayyy, I went out to study with Felicia ytd and we were pretty productive together I guess HAHAHA ((until my productivity got ruined by my mum's 9982958329x phone calls that got me rly pissed)) Nowadays, I get random surges of stress, out of nowhere, due to the hectic schedule and never ending pile of "work to do" I have. School is getting really mundane, and I'm starting to dislike school more and more as the days pass. It is only 2 months into school and I alr can't wait for the school year to end. Everything about school is starting to get really tiring and sickening (to the point where they feel poisonous) and I'm so tired of the shit everything and everyone in school keeps throwing at me. // Half way through studying with Felicia ytd, I tele-ed Josh and jokingly asked him to deliver some sushi to me cos he was also at nex (which was where I was), and I didn't think he would really do it, but suddenly as I was studying, someone poked me in the back, and when I turned around, he was there with my fave tamago sushis in his hand, and it felt like he was delivering so much love to me HEHEHE❤❤❤ Afterwards, me and Felicia went to popular to walk around before she left, and I went to find Josh who came to send me home hehe :)

Had brunch in the morning before heading for econs tuition, and after coming home for awhile, I headed out to get a hair cut. Chopped off like 4.5 inches of my hair today yay (!!!), and I just came back home from dinner and stuff. Am supposed to be doing GP opinion article but I'm just so sian of school zzz. Speaking of GP, I really cannot stand GP lessons wtf. I mean yes Mrs Guna is a really good GP teacher, but her lessons are so boring and rigid, and there is a complete lack of interactivity (esp since she just sits there and drones on and on about her lesson in this super monotonous tone without using the board), sometimes, it feels like I could die listening to her speak sigh... There is also an endless pile of GP homework every single week and I feel like the school is only starting to pay attention to GP in J2 when they should have started doing this in J1 so we don't have to be rushing the GP syllabus now??? Gdi. I absolutely detest school now - can the school year just fking end already?!?!?! UGH.

But anyway, to end off my blog post on a lighter and happier note ((note to self)) - PRESS ON and DON'T let any form of negativity get to you. You are STRONGER than you think; and the bad times WILL pass X.

Angel of the morning

"Our bodies are made of celestial light; and we are hurtling through space and time, towards the most beautiful collision"

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONEEE :)

The past 2 weeks have been draining and exhausting. School has been the same old mundane routine but IT'S CNY YAY so I managed to collect quite abit of angpao and I went bainian-ing at many places this year HEHEHE

I went to malaysia on cny eve to eat reunion dinner, and I was back in SG in the afternoon of day 1. On day 2, people came to my house to visit. Leo, Kath and Josh came over in the morning on day 2 to visit, and Felicia came a little later, so they all met. Felicia and Josh were primary school classmates for 2 years so they alr know each other, and leo and kath have heard of Felicia before so they alr know of her existence but it was still kinda awkz, though it became better and was actl less awkz than I expected it to be, esp when we were playing UNO together HAHAHA. They left my house at 12 and I went to Felicia's house to bainian and I met her friends from her OG and they were rly funny and friendly, and made me laugh alot HAHAHAHA. After going to her house, I went to visit my paternal grandma to bainian and I stayed there for an hour or so before I headed to Josh's house for the class reunion dinner.

Class reunion dinner was really fun and I had a really good time cos many good things happened and I was just really happy generally and I think it's the best time my class has had together with each other in awhile, esp when 17/23 people attended HAHAHA :)

Yesterday, I went out with Josh to celebrate vday and  he treated me to ramen and got a me a bear/ fake rose bouquet and also wrote me a nice card, and I got him a starwars mug (cos he is a starwars nerd and he broke his mug awhile back) and made him a card hehehe :) We also made an impromptu decision to go to Garden's By the Bay and we went to watch "the future of us" exhibition and it was quite cool, and I had a gr8 time with him hehehe❤ Also, tomorrow will be our 6th month together and I can't believe how fast time has passed omg. But through the past 6 months, and through all the ups and downs we've been through together, I'm only learning more things about myself, him and us everyday, and I'm only learning to love him, and every bit of him more and more each day, and for that, for him and his presence, I'm ever grateful❤❤❤ X.

We were in screaming colour

"The world was black and white, but we were in screaming colour"

Hello everyone :) The past week was pretty tiring and boring and I was rly moody for a few days cos I was pmsing pretty badly but today was a rly gr8 day HEHE

Okay so this morning me and felicia met each other at tamp mall at 10.30am to prep for all the stuff we needed for christine's bday, and we were pasting photos onto the notebook we got her and writing our notes for her HAHAHAHA. We then went to get the cake and stuff before going to her house. When we reached her house, me and felicia started to prep the candles and sparklers at the stairs there, trying to make as little noise as possible so that no one would come out to see what was going on. The wind was pretty strong so we wasted quite a number of matches and we failed to light up all the sparklers cos by the time christine came out to her door, 2 of the sparklers had burnt out. But it was a pretty successful birthday surprise for her HEHEHE. We had to celebrate 8 days early cos her birthday happens to fall on the first day of cny this year and we would be busy with our families and stuff so we won't be able to celebrate for her then. BUT YAS HAPPY EARLY 18TH BIRTHDAY MY DEAR FRIEND HEHEHE YOU'RE FINALLY LEGAL SO PLS GROW UP AND STOP ACTING LIKE UR 8 HAHAHAHAHA BUT I LAV U VVV MUCH EITHER WAY HEHE❤

Afterwards, I went with felicia to some random block in bedok to alter her school skirt with her before going all the way to somerset to shop for cny clothes and shoes HEHE. We were at scape and I found a dress that fits me pretty well and felicia found her shoe so we headed back to somerset 313 to walk around. While we were at TEMT, something rly funny (and cringe worthy) happened cos I got hit on, and the guy said some stuff that was rly funny LMAO apparently felicia whispered "jesus" and I thought it was a dare at first but I realised it wasn't when I saw his friend's face cos his friend was cringing too LOLOL but yeah shan't go into much detail except the fact that I was just repeating "what the heck is going on" in my head over and over again HAHAHA

But after that, me and felicia left to the mrt and went home and I had a rly gr8 time catching up with her and chan today and I'm so lucky to have such gr8 friends in my life who are also such constants :)

Used to hold on to you so tight

"We don't talk anymore like we used to; 

we don't love anymore"

Loss //
oh it's such a shame...

We were friends,
now, we're strangers again - lessons learnt

We were almost lovers,
it was us against the world;
but the world turned its back on us - thought we'd be permanent

oh it's such a shame for us to part

Standing with an army

Hi guys!! I survived week 1 of school WOOHOO

Okay tbh this week was tiring and mentally draining and its only the first week gdi and there were some good and bad moments hmm...

First day of school wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Our class met our new CT and lets just say we all miss Mdm Lim vvv much sigh she was so kind and soooo not anal and so lovely AND SO VERY LOVABLE and the new CT is like everything she's not even though he's still nice I guess... He is v anal about punctuality and code of conduct though which is pretty annoying sometimes cos like gdi stop being so anal about everything omg it is pretty unecessary sometimes. And also, I wanted to stay invisible from the new CT for like as long as possible, but guess who failed!!!! He remembered my name by the first day (...) and made me share with the class what was the most interesting thing I did in the hols and what I want to achieve at the end of this year. I talked about turkey and the hot air balloon ride, and I said that I wanna get good results for A's (which is obv my priority this year).

Day 2 of school was open house and I saw a few familiar faces at the open house (including some dhs juniors LOL). Guitar had to perform as well and we did a wonderful job yay!!! ... jk we pretty much screwed up big time cos our main player wasn't there and yeah wtf LOLOL ((me and chartay were pretending to play cos we're rly unfamiliar with that piece LOL but okay some of our friends said we faked well so that's good I guess HAHAHAHA))

Wednesday onwards, we started lessons proper and that's when things started to get rly tiring and I was exhausted by the end of the week. I was also pmsing pretty badly so my mood wasn't v good and I had quite a lot of uncertainties about many things. Some days with him weren't v good as well cos I just didn't feel like interacting or talking to people so I drew away and I rly hope this won't be a constant behaviour for myself this year.

I went out with Felicia ytd and we spent quite alot LOL and we (surprise) visited Christine at the ice-cream shop she was working at and she gave us more ice-cream than she should have and we tried more ice cream than we should have HAHAHAHA. I had a gr8 time ytd and I rly needed that break from that first week of school (gdi I sound so melodramatic but school is so draining though it's only the first week im not even kidding sigh). I kinda abandoned my work to go out though so I should rly start doing now instead of blogging sooo I shall end of my blog here and I hope I don't start lagging behind for my work this year omg (!!!)

Somebody I used to know

3rd Jan //

That night, as I lay in my bed, I figured that I no longer know you as much as I did. 

I figured that maybe I never knew you as well as I thought I did.

I figured that you've changed, and so have I. We've both changed, I guess. As the years pass, the distance between us seems to grow, and we just keep drifting further and further apart. 

I guess that's something that's bound to happen since it's been 10 months and 20 days since we last talked.

Right now, you're someone that I'm becoming very foreign to, and maybe one day, you'll just be a stranger to me. 

How are you now?

I guess I've lost the right to ask you this.

"Goodbye love; you flew right by love"

You were everything good to me, but I guess, it's time to stop being so hung up over everything that was in the past.

2015's Reflection Post & 2016's New Year's Resolution

Hello friends :) I was re-reading my new year's resolution for 2015 and out of the 51 things I wanted to achieve in the year of 2015, I achieved 25 of them and even though it's only half and quite little, I'm happy for what I've achieved, and for those that I haven't, I have decided that either I no longer see the point of achieving them, or I will continue to put them into my New Year's Resolution this year HEHE.

Firstly, let me reflect on the last year - 2015.

To be honest, 2015 has been one heck of a ride. I wouldn't say it's the best year, but it's also not the worst. It taught me many things, like all the other previous years, and I've learnt alot.

In 2015, I met many different kinds of people, and everyday, I'm still learning how to deal with different people differently. Like I mentioned, I met many fake and pretentious people this year, and even though this is kinda unfortunate, thanks to them, I was able to identify who my true friends are, and I have learnt to cherish them more, so hey guys, thanks for the blessing in disguise (?!?!?!)

In terms of stress level, I must say that 2015 was definitely one that was made up of high stress levels. I don't think I have ever been more panicky or stressful over my work/ results, and I have definitely never rly been near to having a panic attack before (not even pre O's) until this year. This year was tough esp during the period where we had to juggle with promos prep and PW WR at the same time. I don't think I've ever felt more stressed out in my entire life, but I guess it's a good thing (in some twisted way LOL) cos at least it shows that I have some expectations for myself, which is something I've always lacked before JC. This year, I'm rather happy with myself cos even though I could have worked alot harder than I did, I must say that I have been rather consistent with my work, and rather motivated in some way. Ofc, this motivation has got to stay and reach even higher points this year, so that I can achieve what I would like to achieve at the end of the year, and help me to chase my dreams (yas wow) for the future.

In terms of personal growth, I think that many people have made some pretty damn gr8 impact in my life in 2015, and I hope they cont to be a vvv important part of my life in the many years to come. I guess I drifted from some friends this year, BUT I also became closer to other friends. I guess that's what life is about - people come and people go. Even though not everyone might agree with this, I believe that everyone who enters our lives, enters for a reason (be it good or bad) and they all make an impact on our lives somehow. And some of these people who enter our lives, might leave one day due to many unforeseen reasons, and I'm not saying that those who leave weren't worthy enough to stay cos some really were, but hey, I guess sometimes, some things just aren't meant to be, and what will be, will be, right?

This year, I've learnt many things. I have learnt to be more focused, to be more on task. I have learnt that sometimes, we have to learn to ignore the people around us; we have to learn to ignore the things they say. Sometimes, it's not always the need to prove people right, but the need to believe in our own beliefs, and to just listen to ourselves more, and to know that, if this is what you think is right, what anyone else says, should not and does not matter.

In life, we'll always meet different people who mean different things to us. Some would come into our life and make such a huge impact, and you'd think that they'd stay for good, cos that's what you would like them to do, but, they leave. Sometimes we make mistakes in life, and we blame ourselves so much for it, but we forget to learn from the mistakes. I have learnt that not everyone who enters my life are meant to stay, and instead of crying and wallowing over the fact that I've lost them, I'll pick up the gr8 memories we once had and shared together, and use them to bring me to a further destination in life. I have learnt to take a break in life sometimes, and to just stop and reflect on what went right/ wrong, and to learn from the victory/ mistakes, and to grow as a person from there.

This year, I learnt that sometimes, it's easy to say that when you want something better to come, you have to let go, but in reality, letting go is harder than it really seems. I learnt that sometimes, we really have to bare our hearts and be vulnerable, and to open up the freshest wounds, in order for better things to come. Sometimes, it is in our hands, whether or not we choose to accept the good things that are out there for us.

"Baby looks as though we're running out of words to say, and love's floating away"

Sometimes, you meet people who'll mean the world to you. They leave, and we feel broken, cos it feels like they took a part of you with them. It's no one's fault, but you can't help but feel like everything that was ever right for you, is now all wrong. I was detached, and I guess I was in pieces, even though, ironically, you were also the person who fixed me, and put me back together. I'm still trying to heal from everything that we were, and I'm still trying to become better, but I'm also learning to just think of the good times that we shared, instead of the times, when things started turning bad. Sometimes, these people end up becoming the people who meant the world to you. Sometimes, even after they've left, you still miss them like crazy cos you'll always love them. But I've learnt that, that doesn't mean you haven't let go of them. I'm still trying to figure out what it is, but I just hope that you'll find your own happiness one day. Maybe, if things are meant to be, you'll be a huge part of my life again, one day. Meanwhile, I hope you're doing good X.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." 

Sometimes, we just have to take that first step out, and just let ourselves fall, and let things be. 10 months ago, this guy entered my life. A month later, we were at camp together, and he sat in front of me on the bus, and I thought he was fun to tease so I started to tease him and 'bully' him HAHAHA. We started getting closer and closer to each other. In June, somehow, we started talking everyday through text and stuff, and we told each other alot of stuff. I didn't think much about it, but he became a very good friend to me, and I enjoyed his company and talking to him alot. In July, on the youth day holiday, we went out alone together for the first time. We watched paper towns and tbh for me, I still only saw him as a friend. We continued talking to each other everyday, and naturally, we became closer and closer. Somewhere at the end of July/ start of August, something began to change. 7th August, we went out together again for the 2nd time, and things were indeed different. Something had changed and I was honestly scared. 8th August, he hinted at me and kinda told me how he felt. I was confused. My fear of attachment due to past incidences was eating at me, and I wasn't sure how things were gonna be, and I was afraid of getting hurt if things didn't work out. I talked to Felicia about it and I remember her telling me and I quote "IF U WANNA FEEL HAPPY AND SHIT, U GOT TO BE VULNERABLE TO LIKE LET URSELF FEEL THINGS" and it honestly kinda struck a chord in me. The fear of attachment, of hurt, and of losing a person had caused me to forget what it meant to be vulnerable. But she reminded me of that again. Of course, I told him about all my fears. I told him what had happened in the past, and what had caused the fears, because I felt that he had enough rights to know. He understood and I remember him saying this to me "Idk how to put it across but, I can't promise that things will always be perfect, cause it never is. But what if we can be happy and not hurt?" It took alot in me to put myself out there, so raw and vulnerable, but I took that first step out and decided to give it a try. 15th August, he asked me out and I said yes. Over the past 4 months, he taught me to open up my heart again, and he taught me so many things tbh. Ofc out of the many things he taught me, he taught me to love someone again, and he taught me to be happy. We've had our share of ups and downs (more ups than downs thank God), and everyday, I'm still learning to love him more, but he has been such a blessing. He has made me feel so loved, and everyday, I'm getting better and better. I am so grateful for him - for always caring, for always being around, for always tolerating and accepting me, and ofc, for loving me.

"Thank you for making me feel so blessed and loved all the time"
"Thank you for letting me do it"

I'm sorry I haven't been the easiest person to deal with, but thank you for staying, and thank you for always trying your best to be understanding. Thank you for giving in to me so much. Thank you for always trying to make me happy. Thank you for always being around to listen to me rant even when I feel like I'm getting annoying. Thank you for tolerating and accepting all my flaws. I'm still learning how to love a person better everyday, but thank you for bearing with me. I'm sorry for not always loving you enough (or at least that's what I feel somedays), but thank YOU for letting me love you. I love you, and thank you thank you thank you, for everything. 2015 would definitely not have been the same without you, and I hope you stay in my life for a vvv (x93882935986239248) long time XXX.

And of course, thank you felicia for always listening to me rant to you about anything and everything. Thank you for trusting me with so much stuff, and thank you for letting me trust you with so much too. Thank you for being one of my best and closest friends, and for being that one friend I can say so much shit, and do so much shit with. Our friendship is possibly the only friendship I have that is a joke cos we're full of shit all the time omg HAHAHAHA, but at the same time, also v genuine and serious and real. I lav u so much friend and thanks soooo much for being such a constant in my life. I am ever grateful for u HEHEHE *virtual hugs* cos u will never let me hug u irl for no reason HAHAHAHAHAHA LAV U V MUCH U SHITZ.

And thank you chansan, kelly and joy for being 3 other (rather) constants in my life. Yall are significant to me in your own ways and I'm super grateful to have u guys in my life and as I said I hope yall stay in my life 5eva hehehehe LAV YALL V MUCH TOO and thank you for being such wonderful friends YAYZ.

And okay I've done enough dedis here and on my ig PA so yuppp time to move on to RESOLUTIONS (!!!)

Firstly, let me kick off the things I have managed to achieve from my 2015 Resolution List.

1) Grab a few good books (aka book shopping!!!)
2) Get a hair cut (I have been pretty damn lazy to get one hahaha) ((chopped off more than 8 inches of my hair this year YAY))
3) 放天灯with Joy!!!☺❤
4) Have a movie marathon (!!!)
5) Get contact lens
6) Go café hopping!!!☺☺
7) Get rid of bad habits
8) GET FIT (run regularly HAHAHA) ((have been working out regularly!!!))
9) Buy more new clothes!!! (They are never enough idk hahaha fml)
10) Buy more new shoes!!!
11) Go pinicking☺☺
12) Have a sleepover at someone's house (!!!)
13) BAKING☺☺☺
14) Ramen and sushi with Felicia omggg HAHAHA☺❤ ((wanna cont doing this tho so I'll put it up again HAHAHA))
15) Keep in contact with chem tuition friends and meet up with them occasionally☺
16) No more binging on food (aka eat healthier!!!) ((have been doing less of this so I guess its counted?))
17) Stop procastinating and start being more focused, and more on task (!!!) ((will put this in again ofc HAHA))
18) Give myself some quality time a few times in a week, and do some self reflection☺ ((will cont))
19) Go to the movies alone
20) Be a happier person (You have the ability and choice to make yourself happy - you choose your own happiness)
21) Be more positive and be a less negative person!!!
22) To find love and to be loved (I mean this in so many ways) ☺ ((I hope this stays hehe))
23) To be contented with what I have in life, and learn to appreciate & cherish the people around me more (You never know what's gonna happen in the next minute) ((I'm still learning))
24) To be a stronger and more resilient individual
25) To be more independent
26) To be more outgoing as a person - learn to talk to strangers and make friends, and stop being so socially awkward
27) Step out of my comfort zone occasionally
28) Take roller coaster rides and try not to puke HAHAHA
29) Face my fears and watch a horror movie (MAYBE)
30) Stop being so afraid of getting hurt and the idea of attachment, and detaching myself from someone, ruining that relationship I have with the person everytime I start to get a little deeper and closer to the person ((still learninggg omg))
31) Be a cleaner and tidier person
32) Stop being so lazy
33) Be more tolerant and patient
34) Be a better friend, a better person and THE better person
35) Save up more money (!!!!!!)
36) Get a pair of sunglasses LOL IDK HAHAHA
37) ✨HAVE A BLAST ON MY 17TH BIRTHDAY YAS✨
38) Be brave and be courageous
39) Try to live with no regrets
40) Blog more often ((will contttt))
41) Listen and observe more in conversations
42) Buy a polaroid instax printer!!!
43) Sign up for cooking classes☺
44) Spend more quality time with my family (!!!) ☺
45) Try to lessen/minimise the amount of time spent on my phone
46) Keep faith in what I think is right personally, and not be wavered by peer pressure
47) Learn that it's okay to make mistakes, and learn from the mistakes made
48) Find work in the holidays and earn more money, and not give up so easily LOL
49) Know my self-worth and what I deserve, and not take anything less than that (You are the love you think you deserve)
50) Be a more accepting person and accept people's flaws along with their good sides, but at the same time, take no bullshit from others and learn to stand up for myself (!!!)
51) Live 2015 to the fullest (and the years to come) and complete my 2015 New Year's Resolution!!!☺☺❤

2016 New Year's Resolution
What I hope for myself:
1) To be more determined and focused
2) To be more motivated
3) To be a stronger and more resilient individual
4) To be more positive, and not let the negative vibes around me affect me
5) To listen more, and talk less
6) To have a blast on my 18th cos I TURN LEGAL YAY ✨✨✨
7) To become a better person
8) To learn to fill myself with more happy vibes
9) To be more tolerant and accepting, and get annoyed/ affected less
10) To spend more quality time with my loved ones (both friends and family)
11) To set my priorities right
12) To save up more and have better control over my money/ expenses
13) To try to get a balance between studies-friends-boyfriend-family
14) To be more contented with what I have instead of always pining for more and making comparisons with other people
15) To be more careful and cautious of people
16) To be more organised
17) To become a better person, and THE better person
18) To be less lazy
19) To learn to open up my heart even more
20) To learn to love the people who are closest to me in my life more
21) To be healthier emotionally and physically
21) To learn to take care of myself more
22) To learn to take care and care for the people around me more
23) To love myself more so I can love the people around me better (learn to love yourself first, before you are capable of loving the people around you)

What I want to do:
1) 放天灯 with Joy (ahh we have put this off for like more than a year omg)
2) Baking (!!!!!!)
3) Learn to cook better
4) Spend less time on electronic devices and spend more time with people face to face
5) Go out to work after A's and earn $$$
6) Do well for A's and get into either Psychology/ Sociology in NUS
7) Aim for all the As in A's (U CAN DO IT IF U WORK FOR IT YAS U CAN)
8) Dye the ends of my hair/ highlight my hair ash gray with tints of purple
9) Travel around Singapore and explore places I have never been to before / travel to other places out of Singapore (!!!)
10) Perm my hair (???)
11) Buy makeup with the money I earned from work
12) Go swimming more and eat less unhealthy food (!!!)

And yay okay I hope to achieve the things I have in my 2016 new year's resolution list, and here's to a definitely stressful (cos A's) but hopefully gr8 year ahead!!!☺☺