Papertowns

"Maybe the strings inside of him broke." // Papertowns

Yesterday, I finally went to catch the movie papertowns. I am yet to read the book, and after watching the movie, I really wanna borrow or get the book or sth just so that I can read it, because I'm pretty sure the book will be a hella lot better than the movie, cos the movie was pretty good though it was boring at some points. (It was generally alot better than the TFIOS movie LOL)

I met up with Joy to have a quick catch up with her over breakfast and we talked about alot of stuff, and I now constantly find myself being able to be alot more honest with her and people about alot of things, and I kinda like that, cos I just feel that it is so important that people are honest to themselves, cos that's like one of the least things anyone could ever do for themselves. After breakfast, we just sat in burger king and we talked for quite awhile more before we both left for our respective plans, mine being to meet Josh.

I was pretty early when I left Joy so I reached somerset 313 earlier than expected. Meanwhile, Josh reached alot later than expected cos he got held up by his food at lunch with his family, which took way longer than he expected to arrive at his table LOL so I waited for him at 313 for an hour plus before he finally appeared, panting and sweating cos he ran to the mrt, and from the mrt when he reached HAHAHA. He promised he would buy me sth or treat me to sth to make up for being late hehe. We went to cineleisure the moment he arrived and we went to get the tickets for papertowns, and we got assigned the couple seat LMAO but we took it anyway, before we went to Cheers downstairs to get some snacks for the movie. Afterwards, we just lepaked outside the theatre for an hour or so before the movie started, and we just sat there and talked, and we took pictures, and we just had fun talking to each other hehehe :) During the movie, while we were focusing on the movie, from time to time, we would look at each other and laugh at the comments made by the girls sitting a row behind us cos they were gushing over how cute Quentin and Margo's relationship was, and how cute the other characters in their respective relationships were, and they were literally spazzing and squealing when Ansel Elgort made a guest appearance in the movie starring as this random cashier in the convenience shop at some petrol station LOL. After the movie, being the cutie pie he was, he took the long way to go to nex with me by taking the red line before transferring at bishan, though he could have taken the direct purple line all the way to nex HAHA.

I had a really gr8 day yesterday, and it is always a good time with Josh aka best piggy cos he is such a lovely human being and I adore him alot, and I just wanted to say that I am really grateful he came into my life. Last night, he suddenly told me "I just realised, that we've only known each other for 5 months, near 6. Feels like we've known each other forever." And I asked him "yeah it feels like a really long time huh hahaha but isn't that good?" and he replied "yup it's good". And it really is good cos he makes me feel really comfortable when I'm with him, and I feel safe, and I know that he is true and genuine, and I trust him alot. Like ALOT, cos I know that he means what he says, and that he wouldn't lie to me. And I love that he can make me feel that way cos out of the people I've met in my 17 years alive, there's only ever been that few people who have been able to make me feel this way, say like 2 or 3, maybe 4. And I am so grateful for his presence in my life. //

Josh, if you ever read this, thank you. Thank you for lighting up my life in so many ways, and thank you for being such a lovable human being. Thank you for being you, and thank you for making me so happy. Thank you for always being there for me, always thinking of ways to make me happy when I'm upset over the silliest things, when I'm tired, when I'm just sad for no reason at all or when I'm sad over stuff, when I'm angry, when I'm stressed up, and when I'm just simply a mess that hardly anyone can be bothered dealing with. When it feels like no one out there gives a freaking damn, you do. And I love that. Thank you for being such a wonderful and kind person, and for being my best piggy. We promised we would always be there for each other, and this is a promise I hope we'll never forget. Lav youuuu❤❤❤ X.

You're the colour of my blood

Today went pretty well hehe.

I met up at lunch time to have lunch with my fave and best piggy cos he just ended his physics tuition and I was gonna go study alone at bishan library. I was walking from the basement gantry area with him to go and find a place to eat when I saw a group of people sitting inside this ramen shop wearing very familiar looking shirts, then I saw this familiar face in the group whom I don't know personally, before I scanned the group for the one I would know, and when I saw her I kinda panicked cos I was a little shocked to see her there, and I was like thinking "should I just go with josh cos she might start asking questions... or should I say hi" but I obviously said hi cos I'VE MISSED HER SO MUCH and it was really great seeing her again (hi karyn if u ever read this HAHAHAHA)

Me and Josh went to eat macs afterwards and he treated me to twister fries hehe and we were kinda playing with our food by throwing it at each other LOLOL then he went for his next tuition, so I went to bishan library to study by myself. I talked to felicia on the phone for 1hour and 12mins tho HAHAHA but it was really good talking to her and I just wanna say that this girl is having a really hard time now and I hope she feels better soon cos she deserves all the good things in this world and I hope she is constantly reminded of all the love she has in the world❤❤❤ Okay so after ending my call with felicia, I started to do my work, and at around 3.40pm, josh came to find me and we headed down to orchard together cos I dragged him to go to joy and her group's yfc streetsales today HAHAHA. He was complaining about how tired he was and how much he wanted to go home but he still stuck with me throughout and though he is awkward and shy around people he has never met, he still went with me :') BEST PIGGY I SWEAR HEHE

Also, joy and josh met each other and it was really funny cos josh told me to ask her to follow him on ig so I was like trying to make them less awkward with each other by saying "he asked u to follow him on ig!! hahahaha" It was really funny cos me and joy were laughing alot while josh was being a shypie esp when I tried to pull him over to meet joy and he took out his phone and pretended that he recieved a call when HIS PHONE PAGE WAS STILL ON WAPP LOLOL I LAUGHED SO HARD AT THAT HAHAHAHA

But yay I'm really happy that 2 out of the few of my fave people met up with each other hehehe :)

ALSO, yesterday, my cousin became a daddy and I am soooo proud of him. I couldn't stop gushing over how cute my niece is and omg I swear she is such a precious and cute little thing I adore her already hehehe

See you again

"Funny how losing someone ruins your ability to love anyone else just as deeply."

Awhile back, during lit class, we were discussing about the topic loss and regret, and I think my teacher brought up a very important and interesting question (which was pretty damn thought provoking to me) - "If this loss is a conscious loss, can we still regret? Do we still deserve to regret?"

This question that he brought up in class while going through The Remains of The Day, and the love between the 2 main characters in the book (Stevens and Miss Kenton), really struck a chord in me. And I asked myself "Do we?", and I guess if the loss was conscious, if we saw it coming yet didn't do anything to stop it, to try to save that loss from happening, then I guess we don't really deserve to regret the loss after all, cos we kinda made the choice to let the loss happen.

Lit is an interesting subject. When we were going through this particular chapter in ROTD, many important life pointers came up.

"One should realize one has as good as most, perhaps better, and be grateful."
We should all learn to appreciate the things that we have in life, and cherish the people we have around us. We never know when might be the last time we see them. Life is full of surprises. It is unpredictable, and things always happen at the most unexpected times.

"When you relate and articulate yourself and somebody else with life, that's love."
I, out of so many other things that I wanted, wanted most for you to stay in my life, but I let you go. And I guess you deserve a love way greater than the only love I was capable enough of giving you, showing you. This week was rough, and during my lowest points in the week, my mind couldn't help but wander to you, and I haven't missed you this much in a while. I'm being presented with the chance to see you tomorrow after having not seen you in 5 months and 11 days, but I don't know if I'm even going to be able to make it, and honestly, I'm not even sure if I wanna go I guess. I hate this. I miss you. It scares me that I can't really remember your voice, and I just need to hear you say my name again. I need to feel you around again. But, I'm supposed to be okay without you. //

Emotions are complex.

I'm scared that if I were to go tomorrow, and if I see you again after so long, I might just fall for you all over again, like the very first time I did, even though I don't love you that way anymore. // 

"Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it."

Those words they sound so sweet, coming from the lips of an angel

Update: I am officially in love with the song Lips Of An Angel by Hinder and I don't care that it's an old song cos it is SO NICE and I love the lyrics and everything about it, I hope I NEVER get sick of this song HAHAHA. Felicia sent me a piano version of the song and omg I love it so much.

The past week wasn't the best week. It was tiring and hectic and everything that makes school, school. There were few highs and a little more lows, and I don't really remember what happened from mon to wed cos I feel like the week's highlights only started on thursday. Thursday was a really eventful day filled with many highs and lows. The lows made me feel kinda disappointed and angry, but the high that day had me smiling for quite a long time, and it made me feel alot better, and I was actually pretty happy for awhile, though I was kinda ndkndkndgiweg (that's the only way I can describe how I was feeling) in that moment LOL. Also, I was ranting to quite a few people about the lows that happened to me that day, and I love my friends, cos they're so genuine and kind and lovely, and I love that they just listen to me go on and on ranting, and they're always there for me, comforting me, and trying to make me feel better - main shoutouts to Damain, Cher, Felicia and Josh hehe :)

Friday was a pretty good day cos me, Josh, Chartay and Kennee met up to watch Antman at bishan GV before we met up with JR (who couldn't wake up in time for the movie LOL) to go to the various hawker centres to interview the hawker stall owners. Antman was an okay movie, like I wouldn't say it's very nice like I did for Fast And Furious 7, but I wouldn't say it's bad either. Antman kinda gave me the Kingsman vibe idky HAHAHA. After the movie, we coincidentally met Josh's family at bishan and his bro is such a cutie I swear omg. After meeting up with jr, we headed to Old Airport Road's hawker centre to interview the hawkers there, and we kinda only started interviewing during our last hour together, and we really should have started earlier cos it was really interesting listening to the hawkers talk, and by the time we decided to get our shit together to interview (instead of lepaking there and buying lots of different food to eat like rojak ((kennee finally tried rojak after 17 years of his life omg)) , char kway teow, mochi and sugarcane drink), it was nearing dinner time, so we could only interview a few stalls. Then we headed home from mountbatten mrt, and we were hobo-ing at the stairs there and chartay was helping the guys take step photos LOLOL (I swear we were getting judged by the people in the train when the train entered the station LOL)

Planned an impromptu study date with Felicia on friday night, so we met up on saturday, and we had ramen for lunch. I swear my love for ramen will NEVER die cos it is sooooo good. We went to nex library to study afterwards and I saw josh's cutie bro with his cousin and sister, and then I met kath through the window cos I was sitting on the floor next to it, and we said hi through the window HAHAHA, and then I saw the guys' PE teacher standing beside the book return machine and he looked like a kopi uncle LOLOL it was quite funny hahahaha. Me and Felicia attempted to study but we were updating each other on our lives though we just saw each other 2 weeks ago, and we kinda didn't do much LOL (no surprise there actually sighhhh hahahaha we can't study together I swear LOLOL), and we just casually gave up afterwards and we started going to shop HAHAHAHA. I met up with Cher, Leo and Josh afterwards and we did some shopping together ((shhhh I'm not telling what it's for ;) )), and I went back to Cotton On to get the tote bag I put down when I was with Felicia cos I wanted to "save money" LOL FML HAHAHA. I left earlier at around 5.45 and Josh went with me to send me off and he sent me all the way to bishan and waited with me till my train came, before heading back to nex to find Cher and Leo. He is such a cutie, nice and sweet piggy I swear hehehe :) ❤❤❤

My super lovable and fave piggy hehehe :')

((Piggy promised to go to lazarus island with me after promos cos I said it's really pretty and that I really wanna go, and he also promised that he would go to Singapore Arts Museum aka SAM with me and I AM REALLY EXCITED HEHEHE))

Syncopate my skin to your heart beating

This week has been pretty tiring. It's only the second week of school after the June hols and it's hard to believe that I am already beginning to feel so tired cos there's still 8 more weeks to go before my next short sept hols, and 4 more months to go before the long or 'long' december hols.

I got back my results for my BTs recently, and I won't say that I did exceptionally well, but at least I did okay (well except for econs which is clearly my weakest subject right now) although I feel like I could have done a lot better esp for maths and chem. It has been 2 weeks into school, and I feel like I haven't really been doing much, and my motivation level has been pretty low, which is a pretty bad thing cos I know that the next 2 terms are gonna get even more tiring than the first half of the year, and I really need to buck up if I wanna do well for my promos which is just 2 months away.

I can feel the stress rolling in.

Also, I broke down in class the day I recieved my econs results, after my teacher left cos I really studied for the test but I just CANT SCORE and I honestly have no idea what went wrong, and my teacher said some stuff to me in front of the class and I was just really affected by what she said. I was telling myself in my head over and over again to not cry, to not cry, to not cry, but my traitorous tears just escaped from my eyes and started rolling down my face, and the more I was angry with myself for losing control of my tears, the more I started crying. I was really trying to hide my face and I was lying with my head down on the table, but my friends sensed that I was crying and the girls came over to hug me, and to comfort me. And I swear my class girls GIRL POWER is so strong cos we're always there for each other. :') I realised after, that the guys were all quite shocked and unsure of what to do when I was crying so they kept a distance and gave me my space, and Cher told me the next day that they were actually really worried at that time, but they just didn't know how to show it. I am so grateful for my class, and I really felt the warmth that day esp at night when quite a few people texted me to ask if I was okay, and to encourage me, and support me. I'm especially grateful to (in no particular order) Josh, Jr, Damain, Gq, Chartay, Seem, Jojo and Lu cos they were really there for me when I was really upset, and they were being really encouraging.

--
I don't know if this is a bad thing, but sometimes when I feel like I'm not okay, I still kinda wish you were here with me. 

Somedays, I miss you more than the others, and maybe one day, our paths will cross again.

You haven't left my mind, and if I had to choose someone right now, I'd choose you over and over again.

Seventeen

This is a throwback post to my seventeenth birthday.

It's funny cos I don't really feel that great of a difference after turning 17 though 17 and 16 sound like they're worlds apart, but my 17th birthday has been pretty gr8 to me hehehe :)

I'm not gonna start doing some reflection post on how I've grown over the past 17 years or how things've changed for me cos I think I do that pretty often, so I'm just gonna blog about the things I did for my 17th birthday and how blessed, and loved some people have made me feel.

Firstly, 103.

I cannot express how much I love you guys. From the girls shopping session we had in the morning where we had more chance to bond with each other, to the class bbq in the afternoon till late at night. I had so much fun that day. I didn't know what to expect though I knew that you guys were doing something for my birthday, but when you guys appeared with like 2 head bands for me and chartay (not sure what you guys got for Austin cos I didn't see) I thought that that was it. Then there was this sudden rampage of people (esp the guys) being pushed into the pool one after another, and we were laughing like mad. Then jr came back drenched too, and we were all confused as heck cos he wasn't pushed into the pool, and we only realised afterwards that he actually FELL IN HIMSELF and I laughed so hard HAHAHAHA but okay let's give this guy some credit cos I quote him "I was running back for your bday celebration okay!! Idk how I just slipped and fell into the pool" LOLOL. The next thing that happened was me being dragged and pushed into the pool with the bimbotic head band on my head, and I was cold and drenched when I came back up and I remember Cher throwing her shirt over my head, and jr saying "wow this princess. You even need somebody to wear the shirt for you" PFFT HAHAHA, and then suddenly me, chartay and Austin were surrounded by our class people and I saw a few of them holding on to big plastic bags, and they started singing the happy birthday song and they passed us the bags afterwards, and idk but we started to take a lot of photos, and this kind stranger in the tennis court came out without us asking, and offered to help us take our class photos. Then my pw group came and gave me another bag and they took out the gay flower clip and clipped it onto my head, and made me look like an even bigger bimbo, and we started to take even more photos. I don't remember the exact details of the night, but I remember us blasting music, I remember me bbq-ing for the class, and chartay bbq-ing, and gq making his sambal fish, I remember the many in and side of pool activities, and the photos and flashes from the camera. But most importantly, I remember how happy I felt spending time with this group of people, and though the night was a mess, and it's a little blurry now, I had alot of fun, and I really love them so much cos though they celebrated my birthday a day early, they started my 17th off with a blast😊😊💕💕💕

103 (part 2)
On the actual day of my birthday, I won't lie and say that I wasn't feeling sian that day cos I slept pretty late the prev night and woke up pretty early the next so I was really tired. Then I met up with some of the guys and we went to bowl, and I felt really sian cos I was guttering 5 freaking times in a row, and people were cancelling on me all of a sudden due to their own impromptu issues, and I just really wanted to go home. But things started looking up when lu's group finished their pw meeting and finally came to find us. Damain saw how sian I was being and he offered me cookies and cream kitkat and they were so good I SWEAR and he started saying and doing alot things to make me laugh, and my mood lightened a little (or by quite alot) and having some girl presence there finally made things alot better too, so my day with them bowling, ended on a pretty high note😊🙆

Family
We didn't do much on the day itself and my mum was being a nuisance at night scolding my bro who still isn't acting his age wtf, and they were kinda ruining my mood though I was trying really hard not to let them do that cos I didn't want them to ruin my day. Then my dad came home with 2 boxes of 2 slices of cake and so we ate that though the mood/ atmosphere was kinda sour and guess who didn't blow any candles for her bday this year? Me yay life wtf.

Friends
So, many of my friends from dhs and yjc wished me happy birthday and I really appreciate the long messages they took their time to type for me cos I always appreciate short notes and messages/ long letters and cards. Shoutout to Shikai and Angeline who celebrated my birthday for me a week early by surprising me cos it was just supposed to be our meetup and I wasn't expecting anything from them at all then BOOM they appeared with donuts and balloons, and I was so touched though I didn't really know how to react when I saw them HAHAHA🙆🙆💕💕💕

I have no idea why this post is so abstract but okay I'm just typing whatever comes to my mind now cos I'm feeling pretty detached in some sense idek😂😂😂

And baby if you hold me, then all of this will go away

How do you fight for the people who mean the world to you when you're struggling to keep them in your life yet you don't know how to? How do you fight to keep them in your life?

This must be some kinda sick twisted joke.

Tonight is horrible. I can feel myself being at one of my lower points again, and I hate that. I hate feeling so out of control of my life, like I can't control what's happening, and how things are about to turn out. I hate knowing that I want everything but to lose this person, yet I don't know how to stop it - as if having to deal with this loss just a while back wasn't enough. I can't believe I'm about to go through this again. I see the signs, and I know it's happening, but I just don't know how I can stop this.

All I had was 6 months of being able to be at peace with myself. All I had was 6 months of not having the same things running through my head over and over again. I was clean for 3 months or so, and I guess I should be happy for that short lived period of happiness, but I really wanted that to last.

There is so much negative vibes here right now, and it's so hard to handle. I feel that pressure I have in my chest again and I hate this feeling. I want to run into a hole and hide there forever, and never come out. I don't want to deal with the world. I don't want to face anyone. I am so sick of interaction with people somedays, and I just really wanna be alone sometimes.

I thought that I was stronger, that if I had to deal with this again one day, maybe I'd be able to manage it better. But maybe, I thought wrong. I hate feeling that gap. I hate seeing the signs. I hate thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about, and I hate that I'm losing my focus. I hate that I get so affected so easily because I know that I probably shouldn't.

I hate that losing people who enter my life seems to be the best thing I'm at. I just hate this so much, and I just want to cry it all out but I can't.

I hate that I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, and I feel so suffocated inside cos I really wanna tell someone about it, but I'm not sure who'll fully understand, and that's possibly one of the worst feelings ever. I hate bottling things up to myself. But, that's probably the next thing I'm really good at.

My life just can't stop having it's ups and downs.

I can feel myself going to one of my lower points in life again in a really short period of time, and I remember how I was like back then - lost, confused, distracted; and I just never want to go there again.

--
I am stronger than this and I will not go back to that state again. I don't hate what happened back then cos I learnt and grew so much from it, and I guess I was to blame then, but I just never want to have to go through that ever again.