And baby if you hold me, then all of this will go away

How do you fight for the people who mean the world to you when you're struggling to keep them in your life yet you don't know how to? How do you fight to keep them in your life?

This must be some kinda sick twisted joke.

Tonight is horrible. I can feel myself being at one of my lower points again, and I hate that. I hate feeling so out of control of my life, like I can't control what's happening, and how things are about to turn out. I hate knowing that I want everything but to lose this person, yet I don't know how to stop it - as if having to deal with this loss just a while back wasn't enough. I can't believe I'm about to go through this again. I see the signs, and I know it's happening, but I just don't know how I can stop this.

All I had was 6 months of being able to be at peace with myself. All I had was 6 months of not having the same things running through my head over and over again. I was clean for 3 months or so, and I guess I should be happy for that short lived period of happiness, but I really wanted that to last.

There is so much negative vibes here right now, and it's so hard to handle. I feel that pressure I have in my chest again and I hate this feeling. I want to run into a hole and hide there forever, and never come out. I don't want to deal with the world. I don't want to face anyone. I am so sick of interaction with people somedays, and I just really wanna be alone sometimes.

I thought that I was stronger, that if I had to deal with this again one day, maybe I'd be able to manage it better. But maybe, I thought wrong. I hate feeling that gap. I hate seeing the signs. I hate thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about, and I hate that I'm losing my focus. I hate that I get so affected so easily because I know that I probably shouldn't.

I hate that losing people who enter my life seems to be the best thing I'm at. I just hate this so much, and I just want to cry it all out but I can't.

I hate that I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, and I feel so suffocated inside cos I really wanna tell someone about it, but I'm not sure who'll fully understand, and that's possibly one of the worst feelings ever. I hate bottling things up to myself. But, that's probably the next thing I'm really good at.

My life just can't stop having it's ups and downs.

I can feel myself going to one of my lower points in life again in a really short period of time, and I remember how I was like back then - lost, confused, distracted; and I just never want to go there again.

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I am stronger than this and I will not go back to that state again. I don't hate what happened back then cos I learnt and grew so much from it, and I guess I was to blame then, but I just never want to have to go through that ever again.