The best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others

Hey guys so... I've been away for awhile haven't I? HAHAHA sigh I've been wanting to blog about this for awhile, because it was a new experience that I had never experienced in my life (both physically and emotionally) but I've wanted to keep those very precious feelings to myself for awhile because I've never felt so passionate and inspired in my life before, and never so touched I guess you could say? But I also wanted to blog down these feelings that I had felt when I had my first ever clinical attachment, so that I will not forget about them in the future, when the going gets tough, and if I ever begin to forget what first inspired me to remain in this course, and in this career. I wanna be able to have something that I can always look back on, to remind myself of what I began with, and why I had decided that it would be something I could possibly do, and could possibly make worthwhile.

In December 2017, after the end of my first semester in uni, I was allocated to be attached to Ang Mo Kio Thye Hwa Kuan Community Hospital for 2 weeks, and man, I feel like it's been the best thing that has happened to me thus far, over the past 5 months-ish that I've been in the nursing course? On my very first day, I remembered going there feeling very lost, nervous, anxious and scared more so than excited, because I did not know what I was going to be expecting, or what I would be doing, and how dealing with real life patients would be like, because the only patient experiences that we've had in school were those with fake simulated patients, which means that they were very scripted, and did not feel like how the real thing would be. I was very skeptical and doubtful of myself, because since young, through all the CIPs I did in nursing homes and whatever events that we had with the elderly, I had always thought that I was afraid of old people, and I always felt like I did not really know how to communicate with them, nor did I really understand what they were feeling. What I had failed to realise at that time was that, it wasn't about whether I knew how to communicate with them, or whether or not I could understand what they were feeling, because I have only come to realise recently that instead of focusing on me and what I know (or rather do not know), I should just focus on them, and their needs, as well as their well-being. I also discovered that I am actually not afraid of old people, because the only thing that I was afraid of, was approaching them, but once I break the ice with them, things are good!!!

Over the 10 days of attachment (because we don't need to work on weekends), I really felt that I learnt more in AMK THK than I did in the 4 months I was in school? Not only did I gain more knowledge, but I also gained a lot more experiences, and a lot of incidences there that I had with the patients really made me reflect upon myself, and the way that I perceive different things. Before I begin talking about the patients, I just wanna say that I am super thankful and grateful that I had a really nice clinical instructor (CI), Sister Fauz, there to guide me and my friends when we were taking care of our patients, and I am very grateful that my ward cubicle mates, turned good friends (Nat and Ivy), were super supportive, and they really made the whole process of working in the ward much more pleasant. Having the support of your friends in the ward is extremely important, because their help would be really useful when you are in face of challenges, and any obstacles. For instance, I accidentally spilled medicine on 1 particular patient, while I was feeding her via the NGT tube, and not only did my CI not scold me, but she even helped me out, and just asked me what went wrong when I was performing the procedure, because it was my first time feeding a real patient, and I was REALLYYYYY nervous. Nat and Ivy were also super nice and supportive, and it honestly helped me a lot, because they did not make me feel like I was a loser who can't do simple things properly (because I've met people who have made me feel like this before......) so yeah I was really really grateful and I am so happy that I found a friend in them (oh and Jeremy too!!) cos I miss our yongtaufoo lunch outings at the YCK hawker centre, almost everyday, and all the laughs the 4 of us had together, talking about the different patient interactions we had, and the procedures that we partook in. What an experience it was!!! And I am so happy to have done it with all of you!!!

Of course, the attachment would (obviously) not be complete without the patients that I got to take care of in AMK THK. I had learnt the most from them. I know, ironic right? I went there thinking that I was gonna be the one educating the patients and taking care of them, but I left the place realising that the patients can do a lot more for you than you have ever imagined. In the not very short, but not very long 10 days that I was attached at AMK THK, I learnt that it doesn't take a lot to show your care and concern for somebody, and in fact, all it takes is a very simple "how are you?" or "have you eaten your lunch?" or "how did you sleep last night?" or "do you need any help?", to make somebody's day. From being really guarded towards us initially, as we attempted to care for them over the days, the patients slowly began to open up and warm up to us. I saw the way their eyes lit up when I asked them if they needed any help, or if they had already eaten, or if they wanted me to help them refill their water container. Even simply listening to them talk about anything and everything, was enough to make them happy, and their happiness was really contagious, because I felt warm and genuinely touched when I see them feeling happy. It feels good simply knowing that I had somehow managed to make an impact on their day. There was this particular aunty who I remembered being really grumpy at the start, and neither of my friends really dared to approach her at the beginning, because she always looked like she was ready to scold us if we went close to her. On our second week of attachment, me and my friends started to take things slow with her, and we started asking her 1 very simple question everyday, "aunty have you eaten your lunch?" - it was the only conversation we had with her every single day for the rest of the week. On the first day that we had asked her that, she frowned at us, and nodded her head grumpily as if she wanted us to just leave her alone. We continued trying, and on the third day, she warmed up to us and started smiling at us. Although we had a language barrier, we could tell that she was finally opening up to us through her facial expressions, and I kid you not, we were really happy. I realised then (and in many other incidences) that we only really need to do a very small thing, to make or break someone's day. Sometimes, it's really not about whether or not you are able to understand why a patient is behaving the way they are (of course that is important), but more so, I think that simply putting in the effort to try and understand, is a very good way to start. It is so easy to tell people how you should care and show concern towards somebody, but it is so hard to actually perform it. During this attachment, I also did the things that I was the most reluctant to do before attachment, because I felt that it was really gross and disgusting, and I was kinda repulsed by it. Yes, you guessed it - I had to clean the patient's private areas after they pooped, and I had to bathe them. To be honest, bathing wasn't really a problem for me, because the only thing I had to get over was seeing strangers' naked bodies (both males and females). I was "lucky" in the sense that I was placed in the female ward so I didn't really have to see much of the males until the last 2 days, when me and my friends went over to the male wards to help out with their trolley bathing, and bed sponging. However, like I said. that wasn't really much of a problem for me because there's no reason for me to be repulsed by the human body??? My biggest challenge was having to clean the patients' private areas after they pooped, because I am the type of person who really hate bad smells, so you can imagine my horror when I first tried out diaper changing, and I did not have a mask with me. I remember my CI asking me if I was okay, and she told me that if I didn't want to do it, I can choose not to. But I told myself that I had already expected myself to face such a situation one day, when I go for my attachments, so I told my CI with a laugh that I'll still have to do it at the end of the day, so I just did it. Me, kath, and seem said from day 1 when we joined nursing, that nursing would be a course that is all about "sucking it up". That motto is really one that I live by in this course, because we don't really have much of a choice sometimes, so we really just gotta suck it up. However, with that said, while cleaning poop and all is really gross and disgusting, I have learnt to see this challenge from another perspective, and after getting over this process from that very first time, things started to get better, albeit slowly. I realised that instead of seeing cleaning poop as a disgusting process, that I could instead see cleaning their perineal area as a very private and personal thing to do, something that we have all known how to do by ourselves in our own privacy for a very long time (because it's human nature). And for the patients to no longer have such control over such a private thing in their life, and for us to now have that control to do it, we should instead respect the process, and see it as an "honour" that we are able to help them clean up, because being clean and well-groomed, is a way to help the patients maintain their dignity and self-worth, and I think it is extremely important that we help our patients uphold their dignity, and personal image. 

At the end of the attachment, I had thought that I wouldn't feel much because it was only a mere 2 weeks attachment, and that saying goodbye to my patients wouldn't feel that hard, but when Nat, Ivy and I made our last round around our cubicle to say our goodbyes to the patients, it was hard to not cry, and my eyes welled up so many times, I had to keep forcing myself to swallow that burn at the back of my throat. This patient told us that she would miss us, and she will think about us when we were gone, and I WAS SO SAD WHEN I HEARD THAT and I really didn't want to leave :-( There was another patient who also nearly made me cry because she taught me a lot about patients with her condition. I cannot divulge much because I have to respect the patient's privacy, but this patient really made me realise that patients with such conditions, are so much more than they seem to be. And then there was this other patient that I constantly talked to because she always seemed so lonely, and she always looked so tired, so I always helped to feed her, and to just accompany her, and make sure that she is comfortable, and she shared with me many stories about many things, and on that last day when we were leaving, I remember going up to say goodbye to her, and she reached out her hand to shake mine. After shaking her hand, I was about to leave with a heavy heart, when she suddenly raised her hand very weakly as if she was calling me over. I went over and asked her what she needed, but without a word, she placed a cold hand on my left cheek to caress my face, as she looked at me very adoringly, like how my grandmother/ my mum would look at me. Whilst her touch was cold, the touch in my heart was so so so warm, and I really almost cried right there and then. Instead, to prevent her from seeing me cry, I quickly took her hand, and said bye to her one last time, and ran out of the cubicle, and stood outside drinking water for a long time, to try to swallow all the tears down. That moment made everything so worth it. I know this sounds like some drama, but wow it was really such an emotional moment for me, and it was right there and then that I realised, that I had made an impact on someone's life, and how important it was for me to know that I had done something like that. Those 10 days taught me to not only cherish the people around me more, and care for them more, but it also taught me more importantly, that I should always remember to count my blessings, and to learn to be contented (something that I'm always always trying to work on).

When I was working in CPF, and I was doing that admin job every single day from 8.30am to 6pm, I was really bored, and by the end of my 6 month contract, I was so sick of doing the same old things every single day. I knew then, that I did not want to do an office job for the rest of my life, and although I had no idea back then what exactly I wanted to do, I would like to think that I am beginning to find out what I want to do in the future, with my life. It is so crazy to think that, just less than over a year ago, I was really worried about which uni I would get into, then I was worried about whether or not nursing would be the course for me, because I did not know if I would have the strength and courage to overcome all the challenges I knew were going to be present for me. My parents, and my best friend ever, Josh, have been such huge supporters for me throughout the whole of last year (and the many more before that of course... I think I am only starting to realise how important their support is to me recently, but it is better late than never right?). If not for my parents constantly encouraging me to go into nursing, especially after I got my A Level results, and if not for my mum always telling me that "I can do it", I really would not be able to get through all the challenges. Even when I thought that I had screwed up my interview to get into the course, they never stopped believing in me, and I am so thankful for that. Them believing in me, gave me a little reason to actually begin believing in myself. Also, Josh, who has been there for me through every low in my life, when I lost myself, and on the days where I am the most insecure, and the most depressed. I thank God everyday (or at least constantly) for letting me keep you in my life as my dearest and closest friend. We have been through a lot, from strangers to friends to more than that, but I am so happy that we have reached a status quo, where we are both happy with the way we are now. We definitely had our lows after our break up, and there was a time where I thought I might lose you, but I am so glad that we made it through the toughest part of this uniquely special relationship and bond that we share, and that we have come to a consensus. You have seen me at my ugliest (literally and non-literally) and I know I say this soooo much, but I truly mean it when I say that I'm so very grateful that you have stayed through all the worst and bad times that we have shared together, and you are one truly special person to me.

And of course, I am the most grateful and most very thankful to my one and only God - for always being here everyday, to listen to me talk about my challenges, the things that I fear, the things/ people that I love, the things that I hope to eventually achieve, the situations I hope/ want to be in one day, and just anything that I could possibly talk about under the sun. I am so grateful that He has instilled in me strength and courage to overcome all the various challenges that have come my way, for making me a more resilient individual, and for constantly giving me some form of hope on the very very bad days that I get occasionally, by showing me the good. Though things do not always go the way that I had intended for it to, things always work out in the end, because God has a plan for us all. While I might/ may not have seen the reason for some things working/ not working out the way they have, I know and have faith that I will, eventually. God, You are so good, and You have been so good to me, and I thank You everyday, my Holy, Heavenly Father for being my one true supporter, supporting me through everything that I do, and for being here for me when I felt like I was at my lowest, and when I felt like I had nobody to rely on. When I felt like I had reached a dead end in my life, You were there to lead me and guide me to new beginnings, and You were there to help me keep my head up high, and to show me the way forward. I still have so much things in life to learn, and to experience, and I know that there are many obstacles in my life that I am yet to encounter, but with You, I Trust that You can, and so I can, and in You, I Trust.

"His grace is sufficient."

Flicky, flickering

In the spring,
you came into my mind like a petal - from a flower,
reminding me of the colour pink - soft, sweet, subtle and beautiful -
the colour when
the blood flowed to your cheeks
and you blushed like a little rose.

In summer,
you came in like a breeze - from the wind,
fast,
whoosh - gone,
like the clouds that moved so quickly in Paris
as the winds blew
in that deep blue morning sky.

In autumn,
you came in like a fallen leaf - from the tree,
orange, and warm,
muted, and loud.

In the winter,
you came in like a flake - from the snow,
cold, droplets - seemingly painful, but not.

You -- are like the weather to me,
hot and cold,
sunny and rainy,
conflicting.

A memory

Fading,
Then appearing

Once in a while

In my dreams ;

Flicky, flickering -
as if you're the light of my life,

Because you are.

{LQ.W}

My sanity, insanity

Shipwreck

I should be studying or preparing to go to sleep cos it has been a longgg day after going back to school while it's recess week to complete up my project, but instead, I'm on here thinking of how I should consolidate my very messy thoughts.

It has been 6 weeks since uni begun, and this week is our recess week so that makes it 7 weeks into the school term, which is insane given how it has been nearly 49 days since we started school officially, and it doesn't even feel like it has been that long?! Time really flies and this scares me more and more as I grow up. But this isn't what I came on here to talk about.

Tonight, I came on to my blog because this year has been a real shitty ass year for me, and truth be told, I am not happy nor am I whole. This year has been really rough for me, and while I may appear to be fine physically, I am a complete emotional wreck on the inside, and it truly sucks to say this, much less admit this to myself, but I am not in a right mind or place.

2017 started off with me feeling like I had sunk to rock bottom. I was going through many things and the most significant one that hurt me the most was me losing my best friend (I never really spoke about this openly on this particular platform, or any other social platform actually, and I'm not about to, but I had to kick start this somewhere). There was not one particular factor (other than one I think neither of us wishes to bring up ever again) that stood out to me every time I thought back on what went wrong between our friendship because everything happened all too sudden. One day, we were really happy, and xxxxx made me really really happy, but the next, our friendship had been completely shattered, along with my already very vulnerable heart. The loss had hit me like a truck, and I lost myself completely. All of a sudden, I stopped feeling like I was good enough for anyone, and I was hollow and extremely bitter. Nights after nights, I just kept crying myself to sleep, and I felt like a complete shipwreck. What made matters worse, was the release of my A level results, and having the shock of my life at my Math results. I had expected to do a lottt better for math, but I really screwed it up, and for awhile, it felt like my life was ending because it felt like I had reached a dead end. It took me nearly 5 months to be somewhat okay again. One day, I woke up, and I decided that I have had it with feeling like a broken mess every single day, and I decided that I had to be the one to make things okay for myself again, and so I did. I broke out of that stupor and for awhile, I was okay. I wasn't happy, but at the very least, I didn't feel like a mess I couldn't fix.

Throughout this period, there was another situation that really bothered me and hurt my self esteem and my self worth. This is yet another situation I haven't spoken about openly on any social media platform (other than like 1 rant every blue moon on my private ig account). Ever since pre A's (say like prelims period?), my face has been breaking out non-stop and because I had such itchy hands that couldn't stop popping those irritating breakouts, I aggravated my face situation, and made my face really inflamed, and though it has been more than a year since the breakouts, my face is still full of left over scars, and hyper-pigmentations that refuse to leave my face, and it has brought my self-esteem to almost non-existent, and it sucks cos it has come to a point where I feel disgusted with myself every time I look in the mirror. Also, social media like instagram doesn't help cos for some reason, there has been an increase in the number of influencers around lately, and like everyone just looks so freaking flawless on there - smooth skin, flat stomach with abs etcetc, and I will not lie that it makes me feel even worse about myself. To feel uncomfortable in your own skin, is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world because I have forgotten how to love myself, and somedays I don't even wanna leave my house simply because I feel like I don't look good enough. Of course, there has been significant improvements in my skin, but I have grown so used to feeling disgusting and gross in my own skin, that it has come to a point where I no longer know how to be comfortable in it. Also, it didn't help that when my skin was at its worse, people I do not know (yes, complete strangers) actually came up to me to offer me facial brochures etc, and it really made me feel extremely self-conscious about myself, and I always wanted to hide my face in a hole. I no longer know how to love myself, and I struggle with my self-worth every day, and trust me when I say I try to love myself every single day, but who knew that learning to love yourself, could be harder than learning to love others?

Lately, as uni has started, it feels like I am slipping right back into that period of time when I was broken and depressed. Since I am being so candid about many things now, I shall also be candid about the fact that I have anxiety. I mean I'm not clinically diagnosed or whatever, but I tend to feel breathless, and I tend to experience chest tightness. Such experiences used to surface only when I am in the face of stressful situations, but it has gotten to the point where it just hits me out of nowhere - like I could literally be doing absolutely nothing, and all of a sudden, it'd hit me. I have tried out online counselling because I get to remain as an anon, and the counsellor is also an anon (ec2.sg) and it was pretty helpful for awhile, but I grew lazy and stopped signing up for it because I also (honestly) felt like I was burdening the anon counsellor with my stupid irrelevant problems. My closest friend, who is also the only person in my life that knows all the real shit I am going through, says that I am no longer the girl he knew when he first met me, and I am now depressing as shit, and it hurts him to see me like this. He also says that it's quite fucked up watching myself hurt myself like this, by letting myself stay in this slump of depression, because no one can help me other than myself. And he isn't wrong because it IS true that no one can help me other than myself. He asked me if I control life, or if life controls me, because right now, it seems to him that I am letting life control me. I can't say that he is wrong, but I honestly do not know how to let myself control life. All I feel in me is a whole vessel of emptiness, and I do not feel like a whole human being. It sucks because I am indeed letting myself slip right back into my slump of depression, and it's as if I'm stuck in quicksand - no matter how hard I try to pull myself back up, as soon as I seem to succeed a little, I slip right back in. I am a stuck, lost soul that needs a hella lot of fixing - fixing that can only come from myself, but I do not know how. It feels as though a part of me is missing, and I do not know what exactly it is that can fill me up again. This feeling of depression, and anxiousness, is one I absolutely do not wish upon anyone. I hate feeling like the only thing I am capable of, is crying myself to sleep every night, and trying to cry out all that sadness, because it honestly doesn't help at all. The only thing that all that crying does, is give me red puffy eyes which makes me look even uglier than I am. (And there I am doing it again, putting my own self-worth down, and as you can see, I am very aware and conscious that I am doing this, but I do not stop myself because I do not know how, and I do not feel like I have a reason to.) Also, uni life has been extremely challenging for me, because this wasn't how I envisioned my uni life to be like. I had really wanted to stay in hall, but I signed up for hall too late, and when I did, I wasn't offered the one I wanted, and instead got the hostel. I also found out too late that I could actually directly email the hall comms to appeal in to stay in hall, but I also did not want to add an additional burden to my parent's shoulders cos hall is really kinda expensive. Ironically, I am now regretting not appealing for hall because I have not made much new friends in uni, and my life bubble is so tiny now, I absolutely hate it. It also doesn't help that I became even quieter than I already was post A's, and I do not know how to approach people to make friends with them. It also doesn't help (third time I'm saying this in this blogpost I think) that people in my class do not really approach me to talk to me (maybe cos I seem unapproachable and all I don't even know) and it makes me feel even worse about myself cos while I know this shouldn't be the case, how other people react to me/ treat me now, really affects the way that I feel nowadays. I hate feeling like I am stuck in this unmovable bubble, and I just really wanna get out of it. Looking at everyone else's uni life, and comparing it to mine, makes me feel like something is horribly wrong with my life, and trust me when I say that I am extremely good in picking up all the negative shit in my life, and letting them pile up together. I don't even see the positive anymore, so I just become this depressing fat ball of sadness. Ha ha I hate feeling like I am so broken and shit. God I just wanna be happy again please help me.

I am also very angry tonight because one of my closest friends (who I think I am drifting from already because we are starting to be on really different frequencies from each other) has forgotten about her old friends that has been around for her for many years, after finding new friends, and it makes me really upset because I am trying to put in the effort here to like organise meet ups and all, but she isn't really putting in the effort, and I have become a 2nd choice all of a sudden, and I am sick of being people's 2nd choice, and being so easily replaced by people. This just makes me feel (once again) like I am not good enough for them, and that there's something wrong with me, because the only thing I am freaking good at is losing the people dearest and closest to me, no matter how hard I try to hang on to them. I am good at nothing else (and I know everyone who reads this is gonna say like "oh dear liqi, this ain't even true" "can you please start treating yourself and seeing yourself for who you really are" but I DON'T KNOW HOW AND GOD I AM TRYING BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW AND I AM JUST A LOST SOUL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO LIVE EACH DAY AS IT IS AND NOT FEEL LIKE I WANNA KILL MYSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY AND GOD THIS IS SUCH A DEPRESSING POST BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BECOME). I am just honestly so utterly sick of being taken for granted by the people around me, especially when I really let them in, because it feels like they had taken a look at what's inside of me, and had then decided that they no longer want anything to do with me. Well, that made me feel extremely shitty about myself again.

To be honest, I also do not know if anyone even keeps up with this blog anymore cos I don't even have this blog link up anywhere other than my twitter and my askfm, but both of which are so dead, because I don't really use them anymore other than to check on what other people are up to, but I guess it also doesn't really matter to me cos I am just blogging to let some steam out from my brain, lest I suffocate from the increasing level of negativity within me. I have become a complete negative blob, and I forgot when was the last time I could tell myself that I am truly happy (which seems like such a long time ago), but to be happy and contented, and to feel like I am good enough, and I am worthy enough is all I really want in life now, and all that I really ask.

Collateral Damage

"Waiting here for someone,

Only yesterday we were on the run,

You smile back at me and your face lit up the sun -

Now I'm waiting here for someone.

And oh, love, do you feel this rough?

Why's it only you I'm thinking of?

My shadow's dancing,

Without you for the first time.

My heart is hoping,

You'll walk right in tonight.

Tell me there are things that you regret,

'Cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet.

It's all I'm asking,

Is it too much to ask?

Someone's moving outside,

The lights come on and down the drive.

I forget you're not here when I close my eyes.

Do you still think of me sometimes?

And oh, love, watch the sun coming up -

Don't it feel fucked up we're not in love?"

To the one I never forgot no matter who came into my life, or who I was with, no matter how much time seemed to have passed --

For me, there's always only you.

Loving you is my greatest "sin" // 搁浅

I barely (or should I say never) blog in chinese, but this song《搁浅》sung by Jay Chou and covered by Rainie Yang (the version I fell in love with and that I have been putting on repeat continuously over the past few days) resonates with me a lot and it speaks volumes about many things I have been feeling and wanting to say over the years, but never really knew how to put into words. //

久未放晴的天空
依旧留着你的笑容
哭过
却无法掩埋歉疚

风筝在阴天搁浅
想念还在等待救援
我拉着线
复习你给的温柔

暴晒在一旁的寂寞
笑我给不起承诺
怎么会怎么会
你竟原谅了我

我只能永远读着对白
读着我对你的伤害
我原谅不了我
就请你当作我已不在

我睁开双眼看着空白
忘记你对我的期待
读完了依赖我很快就离开

//

希望 -- 希望是可怕的 ；
希望你会再度出现在我的生命里
希望你会重新回返我的生活
希望我们还会有重逢的一天。

记忆就像一张渔网，捕捉了生命中点点滴滴的回忆。许多回忆与情感随着一天一天的过去而渐渐地淡化了，但今天（和昨天与明天），我又在想你了。你仿佛一个影子，总是隐约地在我最预想不到的时刻浮现在我脑海之中。这么多年都已如岁月的过去而流逝，但你一直都烙印在我脑海里的最深处，总是缓缓地随着一首伤感的情歌，一张旧照片，或在人山人海生活迷茫之处 - 也许有机会再次遇见你熟悉的面空的地方，而出现。好奇怪，原本以为我只要努力着，就能将你取代，甚至曾尝试过把你忘掉 - 至今才知道，我永远都做不到。

--

I see your face in every crowd, and I look for pieces of you in everyone I meet. I know I probably no longer cross your mind like you cross mine, but somewhere deep down, a teeny tiny part of me still hopes that I do, and that our paths will cross and meet again someday, so you could stay for good this time. ;

So many years on, and you're still always in the deepest darkest corners of my mind. Funny I thought I could replace you if I just tried hard enough, but now I know I could never.

Untitled

I've been going through a phase where I'm constantly re-evaluating my life because so much has happened and so much has changed over the past months/ years. A lot of the things that I wanted and that I intended for to happen, didn't happen, while the things I never expected to happen in life on the other hand, ended up taking place. Well.

I guess that's another blog post for another day. //

An open letter to my friends (either within my close social circle, or not):

In life, we will all meet a bunch of sweet talkers - the ones who sugar coat their advices to you even when they KNOW you are wrong, and who try to empathise with you, even when they do not exactly agree with the way you are feeling. I am guilty as charged for the above mentioned, because it's simply easier to agree, to disagree. Why try to contradict the other party, and end up making them (and maybe even yourself) unhappy, when you can choose to make everyone happy right?

Wrong.

That, to me, is what you make to SEEM like a real friendship, but is actually a superficial one.

One day, if and when my actions no longer reflect the person I could potentially be, and if and when my actions make you question if I am still the person you used to know, do not let me be. I want a friendship that is straight up honest, one where you're able to tell me right off the bat how you feel. I want a friendship where both parties are able to express themselves truly and freely. Do not be afraid to share your views and opinions with me. I may get upset, but that's only a normal reaction when you get contradictory views as opposed to your own. At the end of the day, I would like you to know that I still (very much) respect your views, and I'll still accept your criticisms and varying opinions. This to me, is what would make up a true and genuine friendship.

With that said, I would also like to say this - if you're looking for a friendship where you'll only be able to accept opinions that are on par with your own, you're not looking in the right place with me. I had an encounter recently where I have been sugar coating my own opinions for way too long, because I know the other party would not be able to accept it. The truth is, while simply agreeing with the other party will make both of us happy due to the lack of conflicts (the most ideal situation), I have grown tired of that friendship (which has shown me that we're both people with increasingly different frequencies).

//

To be honest, I have no idea where this blog post is going (as usual) because my thoughts are always all over the place, but these are just a few random thoughts that I wanted to put out here.

I feel like as people grow up, people either grow closer together, or they grow further apart. We could have been really really close friends, who could once talk to each other about anything and everything under the light, but that could very much change over time as well. I guess growth causes people to develop different wavelengths of either very similar or very different frequencies.

I am about to enter a really new phase of life, with only 10 days left before university starts officially, and I am feeling so many things all at once - mostly excitement and fear. This fear arises not just from the fact that I'll be in a completely new environment, with new people (which means that I'll have to step out of my comfort zone again, and stop being such a turtle, and try to make new friends), but also from the fact that I may very well end up losing some of my very dear friends due to the distance (both physically and mentally). If you know me well enough, you'd know that one of my greatest fears is losing the people dear to me. Loss is not foreign to me, and neither is the underlying hurt. 

This path that I am about to go forth in, is one I never expected myself to take. When I was younger, I always aspired entering NUS FASS, and then going on to take the psychology course. That was (and is) my dream, but life took a turn and I ended up in the NUS Nursing course, a course I never ever thought I'd enter. I had never seen myself as a nurse, and up till today, I am still (honestly) very unsure if I had chosen the right path. Everytime I tell somebody that I am in the nursing course, they all ask me the same question - "Why nursing?" This question seems like such a simple one, but no exact answer comes to my mind. Often enough, I ask myself the very same question. "Why nursing?" It is not an easy course to study, and it is not an easy job to handle. It is a job that is demanding and challenging, but it is also rewarding and fulfilling. I do not have an answer for that question yet, but I hope that as I go through this course, I'll be able to find an answer true to myself. Whilst I never saw myself to be in this course, much less a nurse, and while I am still full of uncertainties for the future that is to come, I also believe that everything happens for a reason. As such, while I know that I'll face many obstacles in the years to come, I hope to eventually learn to see every obstacle as a stepping stone in life for me to grow into a better and more mature individual. I have faith that God will be there with me every step of the way, and I believe that with this faith, I'll be able to gather enough strength to get through the really bad and tough days that are yet to come, and help me make the best out of my upcoming journey.

With this, I shall end off my lengthy (unusually planned or rather, unplanned) blogpost. 

Till next time X.