Eyes

Warm, brown and round

were your eyes that stared

into me, as you dared

me to love you.

Deep, dark and striking

were your eyes as you held

on to my face - your breath heavy and lingering ;

my mind running

Your gaze - affixed on me

Empty, hollow and broke

were my eyes

when your heart turned to ice

and you became cold.

You had left me

hanging with a broken soul

as I gave you my all -

whilst you left me in sorrow.

Digging and tugging

were the mindless hands in my mind,

that frantically struggled to burrow

all thoughts of you in a d

                          e

                            e

                              p

                                           

                                dark hole.

Glossy, glistening

hardening

were my eyes as I searched for you -

in every crowd of faces I saw,

in every voice I hear.

As every memory of you fades away,

my heart gives way,

and the only thing that stays,

are those

pure, puppy, innocent eyes

that grasped me tight,

when you first said hi.

Your eyes - they sparkled so bright,

yet a darkness hides.

--

The day you said hi to me, our eyes met for the very first time. Your gaze affixed on me, as every single cell in my body erupted into butterflies. Every warning in my head blared at me. You're a dangerous human being, but your gaze, so soft yet so deep - it was alluring. With each passing day, our love burned bright, till that fateful day. As the blinds came up, and the lights shone through every dark intention of yours, I should have known that a human, so terribly beautiful, is too good to be true.

Your heart and you being broken are not mutually exclusive

The sound of my heart pounding
Is resounding

The ache in my chest is dull

My heart - no longer full

All the sleepless nights
Leave me in fright
As I grip my chest - tight.

Tears flow down my face

Heart agape

Chest open ;

Heart broken

My whole world is torn -

Deeply forlorn

//

An open letter to myself (and to anyone else who needs this) ; I hope this makes you feel better even if it's just minutely so --

We all have those nights where we feel so broken and lonely. Deep down, we know that there're some/ few people who genuinely care for us, but somewhere in the darkness, we tend to forget as darkness consumes us. We hear nothing, and we see nothing.

Here's to all the nights we cry ourselves to sleep, thinking we'd wake up feeling a little more whole, or a little less broken. Here's to all the nights we don't. And here's to everyone out there who feels like the pain in your heart might just kill you. It won't.

I know some nights, we all tend to think that the whole world has turned its back on us, and that everyone potentially hates us. Here's a reminder that those are just your demons playing tricks with your mind. You are worth so much more - even when you think you are worth nothing.

Yes, your heart and you being broken are not mutually exclusive. When your heart gets broken, so do you. But let's not all forget that when your heart is full (of happiness), so are you.

Forget about the ones who forgot about you, and remember the ones who chose to stay, even when there were so many times they could have chosen to leave. Also, do not forget to constantly be kind and generous to yourself. Self love is the most important love in the whole world because nobody can love you, like you.

To the thoughts that constantly come back to haunt me, and to the nights that I constantly lose sleep to - please be kind to my aching soul and my broken heart. Please be kind to my chaotic and anxious mind. Please drown away my mindless thoughts - of sadness, anger, hatred, resentment, and loneliness. Please dry away my tears.

I honestly just wanna feel whole again.

X.

2016 - done and dusted!!!

Hellu guys it's 2017!!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE WEW

2016 has been one hell of a ride and it honestly doesn't even feel like one whole year has passed, cos the past year just flew by. 2016 was definitely not the best year, and in fact, it was a pretty bad year given the immense amount of stress I had to experience due to A's and all the other shit that happened, but I'm really glad it's over. With the new year comes new resolutions I want and hope to achieve, and as we get done and dusted with 2016, we all come out with people lost (and gained), lessons learnt, and experiences gained. 

It's funny because as every year comes to an end, I always tend to know very clearly what lessons I have learnt and stuff, but as 2016 comes to an end, I don't really know what I've learnt. I guess I learnt that it's okay to let toxic people go. In fact, we SHOULD let toxic people go, and not let their negativity affect us. I guess I also learnt that we should never let anyone or anything get in the way of our goals, and we should always stay focused and on task. I learnt that it is important to know what we want in life, and to work and fight for it. In 2016, I've lost a few friends, some more dear to me than others. I've learnt that even the people who were closest to you, and who meant the world to you, can and will hurt you. They will disappoint you. I've learnt that pain is a back and forth thing, and sometimes, I really wish it'd just cease to exist. I've learnt that resentment is extremely unhealthy, and it's better to just let bygones be bygones ((even if it's just easy to say, but hard to do)). I've learnt that no matter how deep your wounds, time really does heal you, no matter how long it takes. And with that, I've learnt that pain is temporary. You may not forget, but with time, one day, you will really learn to move on. Maybe because of somebody, or something, or maybe it's simply because of yourself. Regardless, you will. With that said, I've also learnt that the people who help you move on, can end up becoming the ones to hurt you all over again. Pain is a constant cycle, and the only person who can truly help you, is yourself.

//

I just wanna take this chance to say how damn grateful I am for these 2 friends (chan n fel ofc) who have stayed throughout everything - the good times and the bad. Thank you - for seeing the best parts of me and the worst parts of me, and accepting me wholly for who I am. Thank you for sticking by me through the thick and thins of my life, for being so damn understanding, and for always listening. I'm sorry for all the times I was a really inadequate friend, but I'm learning everyday to become a better person (and friend) and I hope you all know how much I freaking love you guys. We've known each other for 3 years now (time seriously flies) and here's to so many more years of friendship!!!❤

To Josh, thank you. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I am so damn grateful for you. It's so rare for couples to stay as friends, much less as close friends, after they break up, but I am so very grateful that we're still as close as ever. Thank you for being so damn forgiving through everything, and for always tolerating me. I haven't been the best person to you and I always tell you that you deserve more than me (because I truly think that you do) but thank you for not abandoning me hard and cold, and for staying in my life, even after we've seen each other at our worsts. I don't really care how (almost) everyone thinks it's weird that we're still so close even though we've already broken up, because really, their opinions are invalid as hell to me, but thank you for being such a true special gem with such a kind heart. You are such a good person, and thank you for being my best friend and I love you, always X.

"Part of what we shared has already vanished, and no amount of crying is going to bring that back."

To you. I really wish I could name you, and I really wanted to because there was so much for me to be thankful for, but it's such a pity that our friendship never ever works out no matter how hard I seem to try. I would like to think that you tried too, and I guess you really did at some point, but I guess I just am never good enough for you. I don't know what is going through your mind, and I guess I never will since you never will explain to me, but despite all the pain you put me through (I bet you don't even know much you broke my heart and hurt me because you just stopped trying), I just wanna thank you for all the good times we shared, and all the happy moments you gave me (even if it was only for a while). Thank you for all the nights you stayed up to talk to me when I was dealing with my panic attacks and anxiety. Thank you for all the times you tried to cheer me up when I was feeling really down, and for cheering me on and encouraging me to study when I was really unmotivated to study. Thank you for letting me open up to somebody again. You may not know how hard it is for me to open up to people because I know I look like I open up to people really easily, but the truth is that I don't. I hate and fear attachment because everyone and everything that I get attached to, somehow always leaves me (which is true for our case again...) and I hate dealing with losses. So thank you, for letting me learn to open up to somebody again, albeit it was only for a short period of time. Thank you for letting me in (somewhat) and for sharing with me things you said you only told me. I sincerely hope you weren't lying because I really appreciated every single thing you shared with me, no matter how small. I wish I could hate you for all the pain you caused me, for making me feel so small and empty (almost like I was nothing), for making me feel so easily replaced, for being so damn lazy ass irresponsible, and for just cutting me out like I never meant anything to you (even as a friend), but I could never. Deep down, like I said before, I still want to think of you as the really really good person I think (or thought) I know. Many people have told me to cut you out from my life completely, but they don't know that I could never do that especially when I promised you that I'll never cut you out from my life again, since the first time I did. I don't know if your promises to me meant anything, but at least by my own principles, the promises I made to you will always stand. Either way, I still wish you all the best, and like I told you before, I strongly believe that one day, you'll be really successful as long as you keep working hard, and as long as you stop being such a goddamn coward, and not knowing what you want. Thank you, for the good because they made me really really happy at some point, and for the bad. Take care, stay safe, and I hope you're happy.

To the timely advice I JUST got from person X, thank you. I wasn't expecting myself to get any advice from you, but I really just wanna say a vvv big thank you. Your advices are always damn legit and never with a pinch of biasness, and you really knocked some serious sense into me. It was like a cold ass blow to my heart, but it really woke me up. Thank you for always being so forthcoming with me, for not sugar coating anything, even if you know it's something I may not want to hear, and thank you for being so damn understanding, for not judging, and for always being really objective. We may not be the closest, but for all the few random heart to heart talks we have, I am thankful :-)

For my new year's resolutions in 2017, I just want a simple happy life I guess. So here are 10 things I hope to achieve in the new year!!!

1) Be happy

2) Be healthy and safe

3) Be a better person and be more understanding

4) Be more patient and kind

5) Talk less, listen more

6) Be more outgoing and adventurous

7) Be more calm, and less panicky (and get less anxiety attacks)

8) Learn to love myself more and not feel so inadequate all the time

9) Do things more for myself than for others

10) Learn to be contented

Have a really great new year ahead everyone!!! Let's make this coming year a really great one WOOOO :-)

I've been feeling sad in all the nicest places

Maybe in another dimension.

Wondering if I dodged the bullet

Everything is temporary; emotions, thoughts, people and scenery. Do not become attached - they destroy you. //

I guess I overestimated my importance to you and I guess I was wrong but I guess, being confused, mad and hurt is just a temporary state of mind and I will get better. I cared too damn much and I'm a fool for still caring about you because I honestly wanted nothing more than to salvage our once very precious friendship, from whatever damage you and I had created when we crossed the line somewhere someday, ((or whatever little thing that was left for the both of us)), but I guess I'm just not worthy enough to you for that, and so I just sincerely hope you're happy - with the choice you made, and everything else. 

((I think you don't care anymore, but I hope that somewhere, somewhat, whatever I had thought/ assumed of you was wrong, cos I still want to think of you as the best version of you I know, or at least I think I know... sigh))

; Gentle reminder to every girl out there who is getting anxiety over a boy who made you feel so much, yet so little all at the same time -

Free falling

Just a quick update //

I was like doing some reflection mid-studying and stuff cos yeah I need a break from all the econs I've been doing and I realise that my life is really full of like "what ifs" and "I should haves". "What if I had ..." or "I should have ...", and I am honestly sick of that, and sick of my own cowardice (somewhat). It's hard to go for the things we want in life, and it's hard to muster up the courage to seek what we desire, cos there's always this possibility that we end up failing. But I feel like even if things don't end up working out, and going the way we had planned for it to, ultimately, at least we gave our best, and we tried. At least, we can say that we fought for it you know?

"It's a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah but what if it does?"

Obliteration

We were too young to know what love was -
I had built up all the walls,
and you had tried to climb across
but all you found was
thorns and glass shards of a previous hurt;
a previous love.

Time stood still,
as we stood across from each other -
our love frail;
our promises trail-ing
behind us,
memories fad-ing
and we both cried.

This love had died.

//

Our love -
to the world it burns brightly - 

But it died long ago.