Risks

Risk is like testing the waters. It's when we put ourselves on the edge, and we're not sure if we should retreat back to our comfort zone, or to step forward, and to just let ourselves fall, regardless of what's at the bottom.

Risk requires courage. It is when we have the courage to take that first step out of our comfort zone. It is when we're in the middle of a cross junction, and we choose a path. We don't know where it leads to, or where it goes - it may lead to a dead end for all we know, but we go forth anyway. 

Risk is when we're confused as heck, and we're not given any signs at all, but we choose to believe and trust that things will work out some way, somehow. //

I don't know what we're doing, or how to even put any of this into words, but I just kinda really need a sign right now.

Fragmented

Mid way through the June hols and my exams ended last wednesday and idk but even though I only have 2 weeks of hols left, I'm quite glad that I don't have to spend all 4 weeks of it slogging my ass off to prepare for exams right after the hols which is exactly what alot of students from other JCs are doing. It's funny cos this exam is only the block tests and not even promos or A's but I felt the stress I felt for O's and idk if it's a good thing, but I guess it's a way for me to push myself to study cos I really don't wanna let myself or anybody else around me down, and when BTs finally ended, I remember how I had this smile on my face and for the first time in weeks, I was able to breathe. That day was also the first time in weeks that I didn't stay back in school till like 5/ 6plus to study, and it felt really good.

I went to AMK hub that afternoon to look for the bio people cos they ended in the morning after maths, and me and Cher went to join them after our lit paper, and I had a really good time with all of them, just lepaking at macs and talking about life, and reminiscing about the good times during the adventure camp. It was nice just sitting there with them and talking, and not having to do anything else like study.

At this point in time, I guess I just really wamna say how much I appreciate certain people in my class cos I really don't think I would be able to get through my JC life without them, esp gq, josh, damain, liseem, chartay, jr and kath. Thank you so much for helping me get through the past 5 months guys. I really don't know how I would have done it without you guys. You guys don't even know how much you've done for me. It was really hard leaving dhs, esp the certain people that I've left behind at dhs, and having to move on from certain things have been a challenge, but you guys gave me a new focus, and it's hard to believe that people I've only known for like 5 months will be there for me everytime I need someone to be, but I know that you guys will be, cos you guys have done so much for me, supporting me and encouraging me; pushing me on. The fact that I'm so comfortable with you guys, that I'm able to tell you guys so much stuff, the fact that I trust you guys so much when I don't even trust people that easily to begin with, says alot. This amount of comfort isn't something that I feel with alot of people and though I feel comfortable with each of you in different ways, it is very important for me to let yall know just how important each of you are in my life. It's hard to believe that yall have become such important people in my life in such a short period of time, but I am very grateful, cos yall make me so happy. 

I remember how I was telling one of my teachers in dhs that I really didn't want to leave dhs cos I'm scared of how I wouldn't be able to adapt in a new environment, one that is out of my comfort zone, and I think it's funny how I've managed to find a comfort zone within you guys, and though some days, I regret the times when I didn't study hard enough to stay in dhs cos dhs has a good studying environment, that's like the only reason for which I'll regret leaving dhs, cos everything else has been really good, esp the people that I've met. DHS and YJC are like two different worlds, but for every one of their differences, I am grateful.

I think I kinda digressed alittle, but I guess I just really wanted to let you guys know that I am very grateful for everything that you guys have done, and for making me laugh alot, and making me very very happy, cos yall make my life so much better. And thank you for tolerating me and my random moodswings LOL and my nonsense sometimes, and my rants and complaints. Idk, but just thank you for tolerating and accepting my flaws. You guys light up my life in every way possible, and thank you, for despite the ups and downs, you guys have been such blessings in my life.

Bring me out the dark

I'm really supposed to be doing my work now and studying but tonight, I just can't seem to bring myself to focus, so here I am blogging, hoping to get something out of me, so that I can go back to studying in awhile. Here's a random word of thought:

Today, I was walking to school alone in the morning, and all that was accompanying me was my music and everything else around me was really quiet and peaceful, and everything just felt really good; like I was at peace with myself. And I haven't felt this way in a really long time. I didn't have a single thought that would distract me from my goals, thoughts that would make me unfocussed, bothering me. As much as I felt the stress crashing down on me again today all of a sudden, in the middle of class, and I felt my chest contract, and things felt really heavy for awhile cos my desire to do well now is stronger than ever. And though, somehow no matter how much I try, it just doesn't seem like it's enough, everything else just kinda feels like they're in place.

The fact that I feel at peace with myself, that I can push all distractions out from my mind, and learn how to focus, gosh, I don't even know how to describe this feeling. This sense of relief, and this lightness in my heart; I hope they last. I really do.

They say the toughest times will pass. They say that things get better with time, in time. They say that the people you miss the most, and the memories you have with them will slowly fade to the back of your minds; the things you think of the most now will slowly turn to dust and one day, you won't even think of them anymore or at least - not as much. And one day, you'll get better, and being okay is something that will be in your reach. And for the first time in awhile, I feel like it's in my reach - that the toughest days will pass.

I haven't been this happy in awhile.

"You were the ocean, and I was desperate to drown. But not anymore."

Think of me in the depths of your despair