You

This post took me a really long time to get started, and it's gonna take a hella lot of courage for me to even post it cos I always need a lot of courage to post the blog entries about you. I've opened a new blog post and then subsequently deleting it a lot of times, cos I never knew how I was gonna start. I feel like, I owe you a lot - explanations, favours, etc; and I could never repay you, ever.

I don't really wanna go into the details and stuff but I just feel like I need to say something, y'know? I wrote a letter for you and it's inside a box now that I keep in a cupboard of mine, and I just don't know how I'm gonna pass it to you, but at the same time, I don't want to leave without a word, like I did the other time. I just don't want you to think that I'm gonna leave you hanging for a second time, and I don't know but I need you to know that I don't mean to leave without telling you anything. I just don't know how I'm going to tell you anything, given the circumstances that we're in. And I really hope you understand. But, if you were to hate me for leaving you hanging a second time, I guess I'll understand too.

Even the first time when I just decided I was gonna stop texting you was a really hard decision, but I did it anyway. I wouldn't say that I didn't mean to do that cos that would be the lousiest excuse ever, but I just want you to know that if you've been thinking that I did it out of nowhere, that you're wrong. Of course, if I could have a second chance at that, and I could make that decision again, I wouldn't have done what I did back then.

I didn't realise what was gonna happen after what I did back then, and I never knew that we would end up being the way that we are today. Someone asked me the other day if I knew what happened between you and me, and why we're what we are today, and I said: "I was the one who stopped it then. I know, he doesn't." And it was in that moment, after the past 4 years, that I realised how horrible of a person I was to have done that to you back then, yet you never ever blamed me. I'm sorry. I really am. Maybe up till now, you're still wondering what went wrong back then. Maybe, you're wondering if it's something you did or said, or if it's even your fault. Well, it's not. I take the blame of everything that has happened between the two of us. I really do. And I guess you'll never find out what happened unless you come and ask me yourself. I would tell you, everything. I owe you that much, and I have way too much to say. Honestly, I was waiting for you to, but I guess, some things just never happened.

This whole leaving without a word thing has really been bugging me over the past few days. And I guess the point of this entire post is just to say that, if you read this, I hope you'll contact me, and get the letter from me. Even if you aren't sure if I'm talking about you, please please just contact me, because I most probably am. You know you were supposed to text me before O's to wish me luck. You promised, but you didn't. They said that you're a lazy person, but I know that, that wasn't the real reason. I know you know too. Honestly, I was really upset about it, but I kinda got why you didn't do it. And I'm just really hoping that you would text me now. So do it, fulfill that promise now. Get the letter from me. I'm leaving our school and I don't want to leave you without a word. And I know that you wouldn't want me to do that too.

Maybe from this, we can finally find the closure that we've been looking for, cos this closure is gonna be so important to the both of us. And maybe, just maybe, this closure might lead us both to a whole new journey lying ahead, waiting for us.

But I guess, if you read this, and decide that you don't wanna contact me, I've kinda put my main point across that I'm leaving. And maybe to you, that's enough. That, that wouldn't be considered as me leaving without a word. Of course, there are more things in the letter that I'll never put here, but it's up to you if you wanna take that letter and make it yours, or make that a letter that I wrote, and that now just simply sits in a box in my cupboard, waiting for the owner that will never come.

Honestly, thinking about it now, I just don't think that my letter for you even contains everything that I wanna tell you, cos I realised that I missed out on so much of the things that I wanted to say. New things that I wanna tell you, just keep popping into my mind every single day, and I could never write a letter that will fully say what I wanna tell you. So instead, I just really hope that you'll get the letter from me, and at the same time, give me a chance to just tell you the things that I've been wanting to tell you for a really long time now. Ask me questions, ask me everything I know you've been wanting to ask me over the years, text me, I'll tell you. I'll answer everything. I promise.

And as always, I just wanna thank you for everything. I could never thank you enough. Words, will never be fully enough for me to express everything that I feel and that I wanna say. You've been the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I am more than grateful. It's a pity that we ended up the way we are, but if anything, out of all the things and the people that I'll miss from leaving, I'll miss you the most. X.