Endings; new beginnings

I guess I don't really know where to start with this post, but I'm just gonna go with the flow I guess.

I cannot believe that my journey with the school has come to an end over the past 4 years. I would like to think that the school has given me alot, and has taken alot away from me. It's given me so so many amazing and wonderful friends who'll stick with me for life, but I feel like right now, the school's threatening to take that away from me, by my leaving. 

I would like to think that me leaving the school, and that my journey ending with the school, does not equate to my journey with my friends ending. I guess in some ways, we're bound to drift apart, but I hope that at the end of the day, we'll still be able to keep in touch and stay close in certain ways. I was gonna do like a dedication note kinda thing for all of you guys, but I feel like it would just be a repeat of what I wrote for you guys in the letters, so I'll just leave it for you guys to read it in the letter.

However, there is this one group of people that I've grown so familiar to over the past 4 years, and that I've never actually thanked, so I'm gonna do it now I guess.

To the most amazing, most accepting, most loving class ever, 2Innae:

Thank you. You guys are the ones I started my journey in the school with. Meeting you guys 4 years ago, I never realised how important this class was gonna be to me. In the 2 years that we were in the same class together, many things changed I guess. We all started out as strangers, but to me, we've all become like a family. No one likes school, but in those 2 years, I really looked forward to going to school everyday, dreading the holidays, cos I had so much fun with you guys. That feeling is something I feel I may never have anywhere else again. I cannot believe that we've all known each other for 4 years. Time really flies. In this class, I feel like we were all really accepting of each other, supporting each other. We didn't have the best teachers, but we always had each other. I've never been in a class more accepting than ours, and it was or is a really comforting experience. You guys made me feel really accepted and loved, and I am so grateful. In the 4 years that I've known you guys, I feel like I've changed a lot as a person. From who I was back in my primary school days, to who I am now. You guys really changed me in a good way. And I would like to think that I've become a better person and a happier person. No other class has been able to do this for me. Something that has always made me feel really comforted about our class is that despite us no longer being in the same classroom anymore for like 2 years, when we organise and plan class chalets and stuff, you guys are always really spontaneous. Though not everyone attends the chalets and stuff, the fact that we actually still try our best to attend, and that there are people who're still willing to just stand up and help to organise the chalets, make me feel really welcomed and loved. This class is the one class that I'm really proud to belong to, and that I love with my entire heart. I will miss this class alot when I leave. I just wanted to say that though I'm leaving, I'll always be willing to help out in organising class outings, and I will ALWAYS be willing to attend every single outing planned so don't you guys dare to forget about me okay!! Love you guys so much X.

I don't really want this to be goodbye or anything but I guess to a certain extent, this post kinda sounds like goodbye? And that isn't a good thing at all, but oh well. 

I realised I never did mention where I'm gonna be going, and till today, I still do not know cos posting results will only be out tomorrow so I'll only know exactly where I'm posted to tomorrow, but I will be going to a JC. Maybe I'll update you guys on where I'll be going when I know it, but as for now that's all you and I both know. And I think that even if I don't update you guys, you'll somehow find out. I'm sure you will. If there's anything that you guys would like to know, you can come and ask me personally, like not as an anon or whatever on askfm cos yeah, I wouldn't tell you anything if I don't even know who I'm talking to, but like really personally, and I'll tell you. And so yeah, I guess I'll just end off here for now. Till then X.

You

This post took me a really long time to get started, and it's gonna take a hella lot of courage for me to even post it cos I always need a lot of courage to post the blog entries about you. I've opened a new blog post and then subsequently deleting it a lot of times, cos I never knew how I was gonna start. I feel like, I owe you a lot - explanations, favours, etc; and I could never repay you, ever.

I don't really wanna go into the details and stuff but I just feel like I need to say something, y'know? I wrote a letter for you and it's inside a box now that I keep in a cupboard of mine, and I just don't know how I'm gonna pass it to you, but at the same time, I don't want to leave without a word, like I did the other time. I just don't want you to think that I'm gonna leave you hanging for a second time, and I don't know but I need you to know that I don't mean to leave without telling you anything. I just don't know how I'm going to tell you anything, given the circumstances that we're in. And I really hope you understand. But, if you were to hate me for leaving you hanging a second time, I guess I'll understand too.

Even the first time when I just decided I was gonna stop texting you was a really hard decision, but I did it anyway. I wouldn't say that I didn't mean to do that cos that would be the lousiest excuse ever, but I just want you to know that if you've been thinking that I did it out of nowhere, that you're wrong. Of course, if I could have a second chance at that, and I could make that decision again, I wouldn't have done what I did back then.

I didn't realise what was gonna happen after what I did back then, and I never knew that we would end up being the way that we are today. Someone asked me the other day if I knew what happened between you and me, and why we're what we are today, and I said: "I was the one who stopped it then. I know, he doesn't." And it was in that moment, after the past 4 years, that I realised how horrible of a person I was to have done that to you back then, yet you never ever blamed me. I'm sorry. I really am. Maybe up till now, you're still wondering what went wrong back then. Maybe, you're wondering if it's something you did or said, or if it's even your fault. Well, it's not. I take the blame of everything that has happened between the two of us. I really do. And I guess you'll never find out what happened unless you come and ask me yourself. I would tell you, everything. I owe you that much, and I have way too much to say. Honestly, I was waiting for you to, but I guess, some things just never happened.

This whole leaving without a word thing has really been bugging me over the past few days. And I guess the point of this entire post is just to say that, if you read this, I hope you'll contact me, and get the letter from me. Even if you aren't sure if I'm talking about you, please please just contact me, because I most probably am. You know you were supposed to text me before O's to wish me luck. You promised, but you didn't. They said that you're a lazy person, but I know that, that wasn't the real reason. I know you know too. Honestly, I was really upset about it, but I kinda got why you didn't do it. And I'm just really hoping that you would text me now. So do it, fulfill that promise now. Get the letter from me. I'm leaving our school and I don't want to leave you without a word. And I know that you wouldn't want me to do that too.

Maybe from this, we can finally find the closure that we've been looking for, cos this closure is gonna be so important to the both of us. And maybe, just maybe, this closure might lead us both to a whole new journey lying ahead, waiting for us.

But I guess, if you read this, and decide that you don't wanna contact me, I've kinda put my main point across that I'm leaving. And maybe to you, that's enough. That, that wouldn't be considered as me leaving without a word. Of course, there are more things in the letter that I'll never put here, but it's up to you if you wanna take that letter and make it yours, or make that a letter that I wrote, and that now just simply sits in a box in my cupboard, waiting for the owner that will never come.

Honestly, thinking about it now, I just don't think that my letter for you even contains everything that I wanna tell you, cos I realised that I missed out on so much of the things that I wanted to say. New things that I wanna tell you, just keep popping into my mind every single day, and I could never write a letter that will fully say what I wanna tell you. So instead, I just really hope that you'll get the letter from me, and at the same time, give me a chance to just tell you the things that I've been wanting to tell you for a really long time now. Ask me questions, ask me everything I know you've been wanting to ask me over the years, text me, I'll tell you. I'll answer everything. I promise.

And as always, I just wanna thank you for everything. I could never thank you enough. Words, will never be fully enough for me to express everything that I feel and that I wanna say. You've been the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I am more than grateful. It's a pity that we ended up the way we are, but if anything, out of all the things and the people that I'll miss from leaving, I'll miss you the most. X.

Reminiscence

Somedays, I miss you more than the others.

They say that you miss the memories more than the people themselves, and I could never really agree to this statement, yet could never put into words what I really felt against that statement. Now however, I realise; you couldn't miss the memories if you don't miss the people that created those memories with you. You miss the people and then you reminisce, and you start to miss the memories too. But really, you miss the people the most.

Reminiscent;
"And I felt comfort.
He took the mess that was Macbeth and fixed it, and I had to wonder if he might in some small way, be able to do the same for me. So I moved myself closer to him, and I'd been there ever since."

Even when I'm sober, I must admit, just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it.

2015- 51 Things On My New Year's Resolution List

1) Grab a few good books (aka book shopping!!!)
2) Get a hair cut (I have been pretty damn lazy to get one hahaha)
3) 放天灯with Joy!!!☺❤
4) Have a movie marathon (!!!)
5) Get contact lens
6) Go café hopping!!!☺☺
7) Get rid of bad habits
8) GET FIT (run regularly HAHAHA)
9) Buy more new clothes!!! (They are never enough idk hahaha fml)
10) Buy more new shoes!!!
11) Go pinicking☺☺
12) Have a sleepover at someone's house (!!!)
13) BAKING☺☺☺
14) Ramen and sushi with Felicia omggg HAHAHA☺❤
15) Keep in contact with chem tuition friends and meet up with them occasionally☺
16) No more binging on food (aka eat healthier!!!)
17) Stop procastinating and start being more focused, and more on task (!!!)
18) Give myself some quality time a few times in a week, and do some self reflection☺
19) Go to the movies alone
20) Be a happier person (You have the ability and choice to make yourself happy - you choose your own happiness)
21) Be more positive and be a less negative person!!!
22) To find love and to be loved (I mean this in so many ways) ☺
23) To be contented with what I have in life, and learn to appreciate & cherish the people around me more (You never know what's gonna happen in the next minute)
24) To be a stronger and more resilient individual
25) To be more independent
26) To be more outgoing as a person - learn to talk to strangers and make friends, and stop being so socially awkward
27) Step out of my comfort zone occasionally
28) Take roller coaster rides and try not to puke HAHAHA
29) Face my fears and watch a horror movie (MAYBE)
30) Stop being so afraid of getting hurt and the idea of attachment, and detaching myself from someone, ruining that relationship I have with the person everytime I start to get a little deeper and closer to the person
31) Be a cleaner and tidier person
32) Stop being so lazy
33) Be more tolerant and patient
34) Be a better friend, a better person and THE better person
35) Save up more money (!!!!!!)
36) Get a pair of sunglasses LOL IDK HAHAHA
37) ✨HAVE A BLAST ON MY 17TH BIRTHDAY YAS✨
38) Be brave and be courageous
39) Try to live with no regrets
40) Blog more often
41) Listen and observe more in conversations
42) Buy a polaroid instax printer!!!
43) Sign up for cooking classes☺
44) Spend more quality time with my family (!!!) ☺
45) Try to lessen/minimise the amount of time spent on my phone
46) Keep faith in what I think is right personally, and not be wavered by peer pressure
47) Learn that it's okay to make mistakes, and learn from the mistakes made
48) Find work in the holidays and earn more money, and not give up so easily LOL
49) Know my self-worth and what I deserve, and not take anything less than that (You are the love you think you deserve)
50) Be a more accepting person and accept people's flaws along with their good sides, but at the same time, take no bullshit from others and learn to stand up for myself (!!!)
51) Live 2015 to the fullest (and the years to come) and complete my 2015 New Year's Resolution!!!☺☺❤