2 years, 7 months and a day since my last post on this blog.
I've been in a career rut these last few months and it's been difficult. I made a difficult decision - leaving nursing. It was not an easy decision at all. In fact, it was really tough. Till today, I'm not sure I've made the right decision. I chose to leave at what I would consider to be the peak of my career - right before I was about to get promoted to become a senior staff nurse, at a time when I'm considered to be one of the more reliable seniors in the ward, precepting students and probation staffs, and being the overall in charge of the ward. Choosing to leave this ward was not a wrong decision because I felt so much peace when I finally set my mind on it, but choosing to leave nursing on the other hand... I'm not sure.
Nursing was a career path I had never expected myself to journey on. 5 years ago back in 2017 when I first embarked on my nursing journey as a student, something about this had felt like a calling for me to stay on. I felt my heart open up in ways I never thought it would and I felt a spark of passion - in wanting to serve. 5 years later as a staff nurse, things have changed drastically. I feel a level of burn out I find difficult to explain and I feel like half of my life was robbed from me. The work life imbalance, the lack of time to do the things I actually enjoy, the always not knowing when my next off day would be and having to plan my roster nearly 2 months in advance, yet still not knowing whether my requested off days would even be approved. It was also the "anything can happen at any time" at work mentality that I have to always uphold because the shift could be good, until it isn't. The always not knowing what each shift would be like was so mentally exhausting and tiring. It drained me. As a student, things were easy. It was easy to be empathetic towards these patients who were sick. I saw them once every few months. However, as a staff, having to deal with them everyday has been extremely challenging. It was easy to empathise with those who were sick but were empathetic towards us nurses. However, it was truly so difficult to empathise with the self-entitled ones. The ones who act like the world owes them a living, the ones who come into the hospital acting like they own it, like they deserve everything they ask for, like they have the right to complain about every single minute thing. The truth is, they don't. Healthcare is made to be a service job in Singapore when in fact, it shouldn't be. Nurses aren't treated right here and certainly not in this ward. Since joining this hospital and ward in July 2020, I can count with 1 hand the number of times I've managed to go for my break when I'm doing morning shift. By break, I mean a simple toilet break or even 5mins out of the ward to drink a sip of water. As a staff nurse, I hardly feel like I'm being supported by the management of this ward. They do not care about you - whether you're dying or barely surviving. All they care about is that you get the job done (and well), that you make no mistakes. If you do make a mistake, this ward finds ways to shame you and blame you. They do not stand up for you nor do they have your backs when you're being scolded by patient's or their families. They just do not wish to get any complaints from them. You are alone. There is no welfare. We work SO HARD day and night, yet not once are we appreciated. It's been really tough. We do not want claps from the country. We just wish for a little understanding.
The day I chose to walk away, I cried. I loved nursing, but I no longer do. I saw my passion for this job wasting away and burning away right in front of my very eyes as I worked in this ward day in, day out. I gave my all for this job - blood, sweat, tears; but what I got in return was a declining health (both physically and mentally). It was truly such a difficult decision walking away from something that I've come to be so comfortable with and choosing to enter something completely new to me, but I trust in God. I trust that He knows what's good and what's best for me better than I do. When I was unsure if this was the right decision for me, He showed me signs to go for it, shared with me words that gave me so much peace and comfort: "Don't be afraid to walk away from something comfortable to something uncomfortable and to try something new. Going into something unknown is scary, but be excited! Because nothing is scarier than being stuck in the same corner forever, not knowing what else could have been out there."
Getting through my 2 year bond was not easy at all. There were so many times during that 2 year journey that I wanted to break my bond, give up and just walk away from it all, but somehow with God's grace, I persevered. 2 years and 5 months later, I am walking away. One day, I might come back to nursing, but for now, this is what I need. To be away, to take a break and to catch a breather.
// To new beginnings!
"Here is where I lay it down,
Every lie and every doubt; Every burden, every crown.
This is my surrender.
I will make room for You, to do whatever You want to."
