"If I can't find the cure, I'll fix you with my love.
No matter what you know, I'll fix you with my love.
And if you say you're okay, I'm gonna heal you anyway."
Hello friends I am back from my long ass unplanned blog hiatus and it is almost 6 months post A's (this was unplanned btw it kinda just struck me that it'd be 6 months post A's tmr just as I begun writing this blog post o my) !!! I shall forewarn that there will be no proper structure/ flow in this blog post cos I have lost touch with some of my writing skills after not using them for so long, but I just needed to get some thoughts out of my system so here goes nothing!!!
I remember writing down this long ass list of "things to do post A's" before A's actually ended, but I'm not sure how many of those things I have managed to accomplish since then, especially when my life revolves mainly around work nowadays, so I just wanted to post it up here on my blog, and do a quick check on how much I have actually accomplished in the past 6 months (speaking of which, time really flies?????):
1. Go to lazarus island (this has been on my todo list since post O's n it is still on here..... rly rly tragic)
2. go see xmas lights at gardens by the bay
3. go
5. go tree top walk
6. go coney island
7. cycling!!!
8. movie marathon wew
10. travel w friends!!! Like go JB or sth
11. wanna try clubbing also for the experience LOLOL (kinda changed my mind about this because I realised that it's something I doubt I will enjoy very much??)
12. attend a xmas party
15. explore new food places wew (done!!! but I'm not gonna strike this off because we're never gonna stop discovering new food places in our life??? I literally discover a new food place every single week LOL)
16. perm my hair??? (uhhhh am having second thoughts about this so we shall see)
17. eat ikea meatballs (rly wanted to go for this when they had that huge ikea food discount last month or sth but I MISSED IT :-( )
18. go furniture hunting at ikea to look for bigger boxes to store all my notes and letters from friends and to refurnish my room a lil huehue
19. night walk at the singapore river cos the view there at night is beautiful!!! (all the times I went to timbre man.......) ((me n some other people from 203 went there n spent a total of $350 just last week :-) but okay I guess my heart is full even though there's a hole in my wallet))
20. go to the railway tracks thingy in sg!!! (sadly, I think this has closed down.... :-( )
Soooo I don't think I accomplished a lot from my list afterall??? LOL o well at least it's something am I right!!! HAHAHAHA dammit.
Anywayyy for those of you who were wondering, (if any cos tbh I don't even know if anyone still reads this blog??? It's so dead n all except for my occasional updates LOL), I am currently working at CPF Board in the Self-Employed Scheme & Workfare Department as their Temp admin, and life has pretty much been revolving around my work there ever since I began in Jan. My social life kinda ended right there too cos I don't really have the time to go out anymore since work began, except on fri nights and weekends, but I guess this is better than staying at home and feeling like I'm rotting my life away, doing nothing but sleep and eat. I mean... sure my work isn't the most interesting because seriously, how interesting can a temp staff's job - that consists of adhoc duties, bank runs, photocopying and printing stuff get, right? But well at least, I'm getting paid, and I feel like I'm learning how to be more financially independent, especially since my parents have stopped giving me allowance completely. While this wasn't a part of my todo list, I feel accomplished spending my own money and being able to take some form of ownership over my own life. My colleagues are really nice too and they (often enough) treat me to nice food, and while there is an inevitable age gap, because most of them are in their late 20s/30s/40s (I am the baby of my department HAHAHAHA), I am glad that they aren't hostile towards me, and are really nice to me? I have seen various characters in my office and it's kinda amusing sometimes. Honestly, due to the age gap at my office, I have been granted a lot of alone time because I can't really fit into adult conversations, and people are mostly (like 70% of the time) engaged in their own work there, and it has given me alot of insight to how adults think (some still think like kids tbh), and it has taught me to talk less and listen more. I would say that this is a good and bad thing because I am able to get alot of recuperation from all the socialising I have done over the past 2 years, plus the drain from A's zzz, but at the same time, I can feel my socialising skills deteriorating as I begin to adapt to life on my own (man I sound lonely when I put things this way), and I can feel myself being pulled into my own shell, albeit slowly.
Also, in my "solitude", I have discovered that in my studying for A's and all, there were many things that I have neglected. For instance, I forgot about my love for reading because reading while I was doing literature and GP became a chore, and my passion for it kinda dissipated over time. However, during my free time at work (which is quite alot tbh), I have rediscovered that love, especially when I came upon "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom (and basically all of Mitch Albom's books). I fell in love with that particular book because I have never felt such intense emotions whilst reading, and it really made me smile/laugh/cry??? I felt like I was on an intense rollercoaster ride that I never wanted to end. I got lost in that book, and I lost touch with my surroundings when I was reading that book. It was soooo intriguing, and I was so immersed in it. I felt like I was right there in the book with the main character, and that's how you know you're reading a damn good book???
It's funny though, I feel like I have had a lot of time to replenish my body with all the rest I lacked previously, but honestly, I still feel so drained and tired on some days, from work and personal thoughts/ emotions and all. Jan to March was filled with a shit ton of negativity and hatred over people that USED TO matter (clearly, they shouldn't and don't really anymore), and some day over the past month, I just woke up and decided that I was tired of being so sad all the time, and I got over it. Thank God I did, because I was really wearing myself (and the people closest to me) out emotionally, and I was wasting a lot of energy on people that no longer matter. Hatred is a tiring thing, and forgiveness is so damn difficult, but I'm just glad that that's another incident I am able to put behind me. No matter how much I wished time would just stand still and wait for me, while I tried to catch up with it, life moved right along, and me and my mindless thoughts moved right along with it. Here's an excerpt from The Five People You Meet In Heaven that I found really relatable, so I thought I'd share it here:
I also realised during the past 6 months, just how much my life is being consumed by social media (especially instagram/ telegram/ whatsapp). I literally spend hours on my phone nowadays, scrolling through my instagram feed every few minutes (like I'm not even kidding), and it has become such a mundane routine. Another random thought that struck me is that, with school being the only common thing me and my friends had (like back when we actually had school), it's kinda hard for us to actually keep in contact now that we have graduated, so this is where real effort comes into play. Sadly, but honestly, I haven't really been bothered to keep in contact with many people, except for like my few constants and all (cos it's pretty much effortless with them), but I also don't really feel much? It's not that they don't mean anything to me, but I guess I just feel too tired to care nowadays. Also, I actually forgot the existence of some of my friends until someone brings their name up again, and I'll give the "oh right!!! They existed in my life once!!!" reaction LOL. Well, what can I say? Growing up sucks, and I do not want to hit the big 2 next year :-( I just wanna stop adulting and I kinda wanna stay 18 (or 19 because I am turning 19 in 2 months) for awhile... In the adult world, the adult stress is a whole new experience, and while there are pros such as increasing freedom and all, a shit ton of responsibility also comes along with it.
With all that said, I still wanna say that I do feel relatively content with the way life is now, and for what is worth, I am grateful.
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To the best friend I wanted so badly to stay, but that hurt my soul and broke my heart instead - Happiness is a choice, and everything else is just a state of mind. I'll choose to remember you by all the good times we shared, and I hope you never forget them, because I don't think I ever will (I know I never will). Here's the closure I have been struggling to put on our chapter for the longest time. Thank you X.
